The Flames are Still Rising....

[blindsided1]

Hey all..I'm still here. Just been busy and it's much harder to get online once I'm home. This week has been decent. I am feeling so much more like my old self...I love that. I am confident and don't really give too much of a f!ck anymore. There are days...yes. But, for the most part...I finally realized that having my H in my life NEVER left me feeling good or even the same after I talked to him or saw him. I always felt worse. So, I am pushing him as far out of my world as possible. Does it hurt? Yes....sometimes. But, overall, I'm much happier.

K is STILL perfect. She did come home from her Dad's the other night with about 10 flea bites on her head. I tried to figure out a way to discuss it with him without him getting defensive. But, I knew that was impossible. I called him, asked him what we should do. I suggested that he bomb his house before he has her on Friday. He told me that maybe it's not fleas...maybe it's a spider...because my Mom thinks spiders are good for nature and won't kill them...blah, blah, blah (don't take any responsibility...just deflect it). I said " Well, H, I would consider that if I thought that there could possibly be a spider that crawled around K's head at night and bit her 10 times with one fang." I really haven't come across that kind of spider yet. I told him that I wasn't blaming him. I just thought that we should both take extra precautions. I have never had an issue with fleas. She has had flea bites twice...both times after coming home from H's house. My poor Mom said that now she has to put her pet spiders up for adoption (she was kidding). He's pretty ridiculous. But, I try not to fuel the fire.

I honestly, want him to be not part of my life. I feel sad for that. I feel that it isn't the way it should be. But, I can't be the only one trying to make a R with my daughter's father. So, I give up. I don't really feel like I love him anymore. That hurts. I had hoped that through all this, we could be a family that just didn't live together. We can't. He can't. I don't think he's allowed, honestly. So, for now.... the best thing for K and I is to just be our own family. I have enough to give her. I doubted that for a while. But, I now know....I have enough love...enough good influence...enough common sense...enough responsibility,..enough of what she needs. Daddy just seems to be the icing. I'm the substance (the cake).

For the last few months I have been having the same type of awful dream....I'm with people that I love and they kill someone...I know this, but I don't report it because I'm afraid that I'll be in trouble. I'll end up hurt. I told my Mom about it tonight. she said that it sounds like I'm afraid of something bad happening to me. She suggested that maybe it's the impending arrival of H's son. that struck a cord. I have been pushing it down and NOT dealing with the reality of it. I think I may have mentioned that at one point, I forgot, OW was pregnant. I can't see to GO THERE. I can't seem to make it a reality, right now. But, what is the point? If I make it a reality NOW...it won't make it hurt less when it actually happens. So, I try to prepare...but, how can you? I just have to think of it as...he will be K's brother...that's it!!! And, God willing, it will be a good thing for her.

I also, sorry to disappoint, have seen OW's FB page. For some reason (intentionally, I'm sure) she doesn't have it private. There are pics of K and her kids and "them" and all the tag lines are "Our family at ..." "My loveable, cuddly man" "The love of my life" "precious K". This, I know, is evil. I KNOW she put those up to hurt me...knowing I would look. And, guess what? I did. But, knowing that it was on purpose.....makes me think she has to be pretty desperate, insecure and malicious. So, that's my thought process.

It's coming....the baby. Nothing I can do about it. Just keep trying to distance myself so I don't get burned. But, I will. Maybe 2nd degree....hopefully, not worse.