In desperate need of advice, separation looming!

[PortlandDad]

I recommend the book "Just Friends" by Glass: it might give you some perspective on what your W is going through. Also the advice to stand up to her on the moving out issue is solid. You said it yourself that you have no where to else to go. Does your W have family or other support nearby that she can stay with?

[working on me]

Last night my wife and I talked after dinner at some length. The conversation was not realionship based at all though. It was in regard to her buisness, I offered to help out in any way i could with maintanence tasks and such. Basically that I would help out in any way I can. She was friendly and receptive about this.

Yesterday was also my sons parent teacher conference. My son was recomended to see the school counselor after my wife had told his teacher that we would be separating. The counselor was present at the meeting and discussed my son. In his own 7yr. old way with drawings he is expressing his pain. She said that he feels dead inside. Might heart was breaking!!!!!!!!

My wife and I have not told the kids yet that we will be separating. It's really devestating because the is more love and harmony in the house than there has ever been. This feeling/tone has been this way since I made my own personal 180 over a month ago when she dropeed the the bomb that she wanted the separation.
I beleive its the tone I have been setting that yelling, name calling etc. would not be accepted in any way in the house any more. My wife sort of lives in her own little world where when she comes home from work I have already picked up my older son from school, helped him with homework and have begun to prepare dinner. She comes in with my younger son, says hi and then goes into the living room puts on her ipod and sits down in the rocking chair until dinner is ready. She doesn't really interact with anyone because the kids will be watching tv while I continue to cook, but if me or the kids want to say anything to her you have to go and tap her because she plays the music so loud that she can't hear anyone.

Then when dinner is done I clean the kitchen and do the dishes while she once again goes back to her chair and ipod. Then when I get done with dinner I go out to the living room and help the boys get jammies on and brush teeth. Then I put them in bed and read them a story. After that I go out to the living room to watch a show while she sits in her chair and goes on the computer. She occassionally will watch a show with me.

I don't know how to be around her, I don't know what my bounderies are with her. I just act as if I am positive and friendly. When I do talk to her i occasionally will give her a few rubs on her back or arm, nothing overly affectionate, i am just that way by nature. I like to touch people in a friendly manner, you know like when you see someone you know I will touch there arm and say hi, that kind of thing. Is this kind of physical contact with her a bad idea or should I not do it anymore. I have also stopped saying I love you to her, but the times that I have said it to her since she told me she wants the separation she said she loves me also what does that mean, but I do occasionally give her a hug, which I initiate. shoulod I stop show any physical affection, ie. hugs, rubs on her back. By the way she NEVER initiates this kind of contact, but when I have asked her if the contact that I do show her is alright she says its ok. I told her that if she ever feels like she needs a hug that I am always there to give her one.

[2gthrButApart]

I am by no means an expert.This is just my opinion, and I'm not sure if you've tried it yet...

Maybe your wife doesn't feel "needed" b/c you seem to have everything under control. Have you tried asking her to help you cook dinner? Or to help the boys get ready for bed? Maybe say "You know I think the boys would Love it if you read them a bedtime story tonight. I think theyr'e getting a lil' bored with the way I read to them"

I have a hard time asking my H for help. I was an only child for 11 yrs, so I was used to do in things alone, so now as an adult I have a hard time asking anyone to help me. My dad's a cop, and very strict so I'm used to trying to fend for myself.

I began asking my H for help and it helps him to feel needed and wanted. The "air" in the house is lighter. Sometimes if they don't feel needed they figure there's no point in doing anything. Another thing, if you ask her for help with anything, if she does it differently than you would, DO NOT make any negative comments. Thank her and tell her how much you appreciate it, or how much the kids loved it. No negativity.

BTW, I even ask for help with the simplest things. Things I KNOW I can do on my own, opening jars, help with the girls, getting things off of high shelves, help carrying things. But it helps to show him he's appreciated and needed. We are far from a reconciliation, but the tension is lighter, and there is a friendship blooming.

I wish you luck. Hope I helped in some way.

[working on me]

Thanks so much 2gthrButApart, I tink I am doing so much because I believe she feels that she can do it all without me. i have always been the one to cook dinner and do the dishes since i am the only one who can cook if we want to actually eat good tasting healthy food. It has always been a huge priorty for us to eat dinner together as a family so that's another reason I cook good meals. I have always wanted for the boys to think to them selves, "hay dads cooking dinner, right on", even though at thier current ages of 3 and 7 they usually say what are we have, oh grose, but thats ok because they will eventually appreciate it, if I still get to father them in their own house that is.

[2gthrButApart]

I have also stopped saying I love you to her, but the times that I have said it to her since she told me she wants the separation she said she loves me also what does that mean

She does love you but is hurting and confused. You're her H, the father to her sons, she can't Not love you. But she's not in love with you at this moment, the pain she feels, the sadness, the confusion, all of it clouds her judgement.

So she does Love you, but maybe you should stop telling her you love her for a lil' while, b/c it hurts you and confuses you when she "says" it back, but her actions say otherwise.

[2gthrButApart]

"hay dads cooking dinner, right on"

I think that's awesome! But maybe you can incorporate your W into the event. Teach her how to cook. Say hey, since I'm getting dinner ready, can you help me by getting the boys ready for dinner/ ready for bed/ sign their HW, or I'm tired can you help me do the dishes....something to help her feel needed, show appreciation for the things she does do.
If I don't feel appreciated I can feel resentful, and feel like what's the point in even trying.

Maybe she thinks you can do it all without her, so what's the point in being around. I know as a woman, I like when I feel wanted or needed by my H. What have you got to lose in trying?

If what you're doing isn't working, try something different.

[working on me]

If anyone has any advice on the hugging and stuff that i spoke if ealier?

[stillloveshim]

Sure. Stop it. If someone does something that makes you feel awkward ALL THE TIME would you look forward to seeing them? Just hug the kids for now and stop the affection with her.

As far as the concert: Do NOT let her go with that guy. Try to stop that.

Here's my experience that I hope you can benefit from: My husband wanted a "break". That turned into a separation, that turned into "I think I want to date other people. I don't like to be alone." Like a desperate idiot, I agreed to let him date other people because he said he needed to see what else was out there. HUGE regret on my part.

I didn't know it then, and I would have denied to everyone, told them they were wrong, but his EA had already started and that's who he wanted to date. Fortunately for me, the OW did NOT want anything to do with physically, so it stayed a short lived EA. But it happened, and it still hurts. Working hard to learn how to let it go.

Now in the meantime, we've made great progress from Christmas when he got me NOTHING but bought her $100 earrings. OH, and he was saying at every opportunity in many different ways the marriage was over, move on, divorce, divorce, divorce. And he was mean. Now, he doesn't use the D word but he also hasn't said "Let's work this out" either.

I live by this: Don't believe anything he says and don't believe 50% of what he does. People who are confused say some crazy crap, so I just don't give him the opportunity anymore.

Oh, and don't move if you don't want to. She can go.

[working on me]

How can I stop her from going to the concert? I have no control over her and she will see any attempt to stop her as me trying to control her or her an opportunity for her to have a good time doing what she loves. She has told me that she loves going to concerts more than anything.

And how will me telling her that i don't want to move out help, she already knows I dont't want to.

[stillloveshim]

Ask her not to go with that guy. You're right, you can't stop her from going to the concert and shouldn't. Ask her to not go with him. There's something weird about it and you're uncomfortable with it. If she decides to go with him....still nothing you can do, but at least she will then know you have reservations about this person AND if there is something going on.....then she knows you have your suspicions.

Don't tell her you don't want to move out. Tell her you are NOT going to. End of topic.