DA Club III

[silvagod]

Hi gang....

I see that everyone is still sticking to the rules. Excellent

I am as well, ok, well not quite. I got into a rage today and txt W telling her that I was (insert your own expletive here) annoyed that she has NOT told me about her mum. S21 told me more earlier and MIL hasn't quite told me the truth. She has to go into hospital for a CAT scan as there maybe more wrong than everyone thought at first. I mean WHY didn't W tell me that?!?.

Anyways..it's done now, no excuses from me but I was incensed. She knows what I feel now and that's not a bad thing, S23 said to me, "Way to go Dad, nothing like throwing a baby into the tigers cage eh?" Sarcasm is his favourite pastime

I don't want a reply and I am unlikely to get one, but I feel better getting it off my chest.

Stopped counting days ages ago, but I think I am/was on week 10 or something.

Keep it up the rest of you

[Tawnya]

LOLOL Silva..I love your son..sarcasm is one of my favs as well {{{Silva}}} I think you can be forgiven for that one, as it counts as a family issue (I didn't make the rules, but I would think there should be an addendum somewhere, paragraph 25, section A, column 10 I think?)

You know I haven't counted either and certainly not as far along as most of you, BUT I'm on week 3 (this Sat will be 3 weeks)

Tawnya

[pearlharbr]

Oh no, sorry to hear MIL is worse than previously thought. Of course you were upset and W should have told you. Honestly. So getting it off your chest is understandable.

Here's a question: if I respond to xBF's letter of remorse do I start over with the counting? I'm not initiating the convo, but it would be R talk.

I kinda feel like it's rude to not say anything at all, but I will not be rushed into it either. I'm thinking of early next week so I still have the weekend to mull it over.

And on another topic: I've seen a few threads where people are asking for help learning how to detach. It's been a while since most of us hit the detachment point so I don't really remember what worked for people besides NC. Was there anything else specific? I told someone that I'm definitely not the person to offer advice on this because I never "lovingly detached," I only let go when I decided I was done.

[silvagod]

Pearl,

I think in your case, the counting has pretty much stopped anyway. You are handling yourself with grace and poise and therefore as co-founder of the club, I grant you an exemption for a single reply.

If however, you invite him over and talk R talk for ages and still not get to a satisfactory conclusion, then the exemption will be revoked

Just do as you are and take your time. I mean how long has it taken him to talk like this?. An you're worried about rushing a reply?...no way girl. Take as long as you feel is right.

[kassie]

I can do the detachment talks if i know what the questions are.

{{p}} DA is not the same as NC, DA allows for a contact with a focus point. DA is listening to what is said and controlling your reaction. DA is responding as you would a friend (without the benefits), a reasonable response that avoids falling into familiar traps or negative behaviors.
HAving a response to the letter is reasonable and expected behavior. Your response is up to you. Timing is up to you.

{{Silva}}

CAlling your W out because she is not giving you the whole truth doesn't count - it was reasonable response to a situation that needed to be addressed.

Here's an ex from alanon that I thought expressed it in a somewhat humorous way:

if your S passes out drunk on the floor next to the bed and you pick him up,put him in bed and tuck him in - you are enabling.
(the opposite of DA)

if you S passes out drunk on the floor next to the bed and you leave him there and just step over him when necessary - you are ignoring him.(not dealing with it at all)

if your S passes out drunk on the floor next to the bed and you throw a blanket over him - that's DA.

Everyone got it? Good!

Doesn't quite say to do if you are the one passed out drunk on the floor though.....

[Silver Fox]

I think the rule is that the LBS must not initiate contact. So answering his letter Pearl will not set you back. If you feel it's rude not to answer, that's your heart talking to you. Do what's in your heart.

[Silver Fox]

That's great Kassie. I'm going to copy paste it.

Thanks

[silvagod]

Kass,

{{{KASS}}} have a hug back Thanks for letting me off. I've calmed down now after about 4 hours. S21 told me to just keep in touch with MIL and him as W tells him everything and he will pass on the info. S23 said he is past caring what his mother does. That is sad, she has pushed him out of her life. She NEVER contacts him direct other than to reply to his contact and yet still moans to S21 about him not calling. Selfish to the extreme.

One cool thing though, a while ago, I was offered a free hol and chance to look for work in Oz, well talking to Oz mate last night and offer still there. Mentioned it to both S21 and S23 and they BOTH said they would come with me

What W would make of that, I don't care, she is in her bed and can lie in it.

I like the alanon one

I guess if you're the one on the floor you don't really care what happens

[pearlharbr]

Woo hoo Silva, a trip to Oz!! You should definitely do it and it would be great if both sons went with you.

And if you decide to move there Tawnya and I will have to high tail it to England so we don't miss our chance to stalk Patrick Stewart. Then we'll plan another trip to Oz (what part?) to visit you down under! Brilliant.

[kassie]

I don't know Silva... 4 hours of anger... that would be how many hours in "OZ" time? Would that make any difference? (LIke would it not last so long)