It was a down day. Called in sick, slept most of the morning. I know my L turned in D papers in response to H charging him with adultery. I just hate this. I do not want this D but I have to go through the emotions .
I think that H is know living with Ow. His apt lease is up on 4/1 but he is never there. It took him only 2 months to want out of the M once the A started and H seems still deep in this. My greatest fear is that he will marry her immediately if the D goes through.
Just one of those days. It has been such a rough month.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Hi Hope, I am so sorry you are feeling so down and feel so bad that your H is lost in his own mess.
Hope, I read somewhere that it's not what happens to you that determines whether you are sad or happy or whatever, but how you react to it. Maybe this is something that you have to go through to make you into the person that you were meant to be. Maybe you will have wonderful days ahead of you. I know it is extremely upsetting to think that our H can just chuck everything away at the drop of a hat. But you and I KNOW that their actions will NOT make them happy. They are inherently UNHAPPY, that is why they are acting this way. They are doing everything differently to fix their unhappiness. Destructive behaviors.
But we have a choice here also, we can act like victims or we can act like survivors. Which do you want to choose? I am struggling everyday, like you, I choose to see myself as a survivor. I cannot save my H, but I can save myself.
Hope, I know it's very hard to see light when you are in the depth of darkness. But I want to share with you, there is a light. It is ALWAYS darkest before light. You WILL come out of this stronger and become the person you were meant to be. You WILL survive.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Hope, are you doing OK? I've come down with a cold here and am supposed to be working this Saturday night - at a BALL! Yup, long dresses, tuxedos and watching other people dance, can you believe it? What a hoot!
Hope you are doing OK and just know I am here if you want to talk. You can lean on me!
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Hope, Sorry to hear about your day. You are a strong woman. No matter how it turns out, you will not only survive, but thrive. We just have to remember even though we don't want to be without them, it doesn't mean we can't survive without them. You have shown your ability of surviving many times over!
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
thanks for your support. I have been having ups and downs. Today I had contact with H...
Saw that H was at the smoke shack, so I went to his desk to bring all of his mail while he was not there. As I went to leave, H shows up and asks to speak to me in the hall. I walk out with him and he asks how D15 is. Tell him I am taking her to C today. H says I want to see her; I said you don't get it; she does not want to see you; you are the problem not the solution. H looked upset and said what can I do to make this right with her. (Has not seen her since Dec). Ok can hear crack of the 2x4s boards...I said, The only thing D wants is for you to come home and even then it will take her a long time to forgive you. (uh oh relation talk - big nono)
For once H did NOT say his usual fog babble stuff. "I will never come home, move on, I don't love you." He actually said NOTHING. I told him I know originally you thought D would be mad but would get over it and be fine but she started off angry and I worry about depression. H actually seems to be listening.
But then I throw a few shots in. (Another nono - talking about Ow) I said I am sure when this started it was very exciting and like an adult Disneyland with plastic boobs on one side and a bottle on another.
When you are with the plastic pinata you don't have to worry about kids being home, (her spawns are out of the house and when they stop with their grandchildren they visit and leave) You can go out when you want, no worries, take off when you want any spur of the moment. For us we had soccer schedules, school work, and we could not be spontaneous and just take off to vegas. H said it was more than that and I said yes but that is why you work at it. I was pushng the envelope but he was pretty quiet.
H then said I have been trying to work on myself, so i asked well how are you doing with the alcohol and H says what do you mean? (Duh) -- Because you are an alcoholic. it was the only time H got annoyed and said ok so you are getting emotional (no I am calling what I see), so that was an LB.
Then H asks me if i got a L yet? Why are you asking? H says well you never responded to the papers from my L. I said you mean OW atty. And H (fog babble back) says I have the best atty. (Well if your L is such a crackerjack then why did he not know that we filed papers on Monday charging H with Adultery) I stayed quiet. I figure each day his L does not find that we filed paperwork it buys us more time! The snail divorce...
It is hard to have NC when you see H at work. But I should not have gotten sucked up into the conversation. bang bang Sound of 2x4 myself.
There is always tomorrow.
It is so good to be able to rant on this board. It is a life saver.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Hope, I hear you about what you say on being spontaneous!!!!!
One of the reasons my H gave for leaving me was that I was a planner and he wants to be spontaneous!!! Like you, I explained that I have to plan because of kids etc etc, you know the story. He agrees that kids need plans and schedules, that I am not wrong but that we are different. Can you believe it? He uses this AGAINST me for reason to be out with OW!!! I feel your pain! I feel your injustice! We are at home holding down the fort, providing a safe, secure home for the kids and all our H's want is spontaneity. Well, I want that TOO!! I would love to fly off somewhere and have some fun. But then who will put the kids first! It's like our H is another kid and they want to have their own fun and not be responsible for other people.
It's total MLC. The responsibility overwhelms then, they want to flee, escape it, the cage in which they built themselves. The career, the mortgage, kids, wife. It all got a bit too much and they want to live the carefree bachelor life again.
The good news is that he stayed quiet and listened. Do you think he was actually listening? Do what works, not what doesn't work. That is very important according to DB Coach.
I really hope your H is coming out of fog slowly and thinking more about D15. Have you read the six stages of MLC? They may flip back and forth for awhile so be mentally prepared. Stay strong, Hope.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
In reviewing everything with H yesterday it could have been much worse. H did listen; did he agree? Probably 10% in his fog babble mind so that is a start.
If I could hold off this D as long as I can hopefully H and OW will lose attraction for each other. Their A started sometime in June 08. I know she is the one pushing him along, I am hoping they start to Love bust with time.
I keep praying and working on myself.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
I think you did great too. There's a time and place for everything and eventually the LBS needs to state the facts - which you did very well. Just make sure you don't sound like a "mom" but a strong, sexy, confident woman. I'm working on this too for our first mediation appointment - which will be the first time I've seen my H since August.
So he hasn't received your response yet? Interesting. I responded in September and H didn't see it until January! I'm secretly ok with that since I'm trying to delay too, but you can be sure at some point I will ask H's L "I'd like to know why you did not give H my response in September" As business-like as possible of course.
Stay strong.
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
Hi Silverfox Good to hear from you. I will stop by your sitch. I wish my H would have waited that long to respond to my D paper return. He went in today and I know he made a counter response. It really hurts this divorce. I do not want it at all and I have no choice. Here there is no "waiting period". amazing.
You haven't seen your H since August. Long time. ARe you truly prepared? I know you will do well.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
