Just keep swimming...PH #5

[Tawnya]

Hey Pearl..I know you've probably heard this song before, and I have too..but it may be my new "tude" theme song and may work for you if you wanna have some "tude" Kelly Clarkson's Walk Away..you should You Tube it if you can

I don't remember if I can post links or not..I always get afraid to do that LOLOL!

I love the chorus where she says:

I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why are you still standin' here

Anyway..the middle part is my favorite where she says:

I wanna love
I want a fire
To feel the burn
My desires
I wanna man by my side
Not a boy who runs and hides
Are you gonna fight for me?
Die for me?
Live and breathe for me?
Do you care for me?
'Cause if you don't then just leave

Woot

Tawnya

[pearlharbr]

I started this long and detailed response to Gucci and Puppy, but I really don't have the heart to finish it right now.

It's been a bit of a rough afternoon/evening. Took my cats to the vet today. Little girl E is perfectly fine, big boy W is kitty obese and has gained a LOT of weight since last year. More bloodwork shows some problems but no explanations. So it's not terrible news, but I feel like a terrible kitty mom because I can't get his weight under control and he will likely develop health problems like obese people have: diabetes, joint damage, strain on his heart, etc.

Those of you non-pet people probably don't understand (I didn't before I got these guys) but W is my baby. I'm not having kids so he's my family. And I feel awful that he could be hurting and there's not much I can do about it.

Now I'm sitting here crying because this is the first time I have really, truly missed xBF. I want him to tell me I'm doing the best I can for W and we'll figure out what's causing his weight issue before he develops more problems.

I know it's probably because of the emotions brought up by this stupid letter and I know I can handle this on my own. But in this moment I want to have a partner to share the burden with, I want the person who's supposed to be here for me. Perhaps I just miss the idea of having someone and not xBF in particular. Not sure.

I've already resisted the temptation to pick up the phone and talk to him about this. Just need to get through it.

[davidswife]

Pearl,

I don't have pets, but I have children, and I can relate to how you're feeling. It's those moments when you could really use the bolstering of a partner.

Hang in there, and if you do decide to call him, don't beat yourself up about it.

I'll say a prayer for you.

[kassie]

My two cents worth: mostly backing up gucci and puppy. Look how far he has come and how he has gotten there. Don't forget what works. Then look at what he is saying, like guccil -I agree that he should be confronted on the OW and lying in the present. Push for the truth now, he will either be honest or not.

It sort of reminds me of the talk with my H last week. He wants to begin reconciling, while all the time talking about what he needs and when I confronted him on the question of how ready is he to be my friend - be there for ME - he is still talking about himself. Another big problem with us is his constant quitting behavior - and all he is talking about to me is how after7 months of RCIA classes - one wrong word from the priest and he has quit the church, then I discover his sponsor was a temp and now he has another temp.-he was committed to certain meetings and now goes to different ones because they weren't doing anything for him. You have to listen to the words and match it with the behavior carefully. Let him know and see what he says.

Tough place, tough call, most important part is - what do you want and how do you feel about him?

[Silver Fox]

I'm sorry Pearl. I understand. I don't have kids either - 2 dogs who've been my life savers since the bomb. They've been healthy so far but there are other issues with the house, especially after the recent snow. I need H here too - sharing the burden - and I'm heartsick over his callous disregard.

You'll get through it. You don't need xBF to tell you you're doing the best you can. YOU tell yourself that - we'll tell you too.

[Tawnya]

{{{Pearl}}} I hate that for you..and I hope your little sweetie gets better..let us know how it turns out and it IS hard to have to deal with these little curveballs by ourselves isn't it?? Argh..

Silver is right tho..YOU are a good kitty mom and you need to remember that and not feel badly about it!!

Tawnya

[JDOllie]

Pearl,
It's funny how you and I kind of jump around switching places - my W hasn't come right out like your xBF has, but it seems like that may be in the cards - dunno.

xBF may not be with OW - he may simply be "friends" now. My D8 told me yesterday that "Mommy and OM" don't date anymore. So, who knows. Maybe OW was a pacifier, obviously, she didn't "meet the need".

One thing I know is this, for me: if W comes back, the first thing will be:

"You will not communicate with OM ever again. One text, one phone call, one visit, and I go straight to my attorney's office."

To me, this is the only way to handle it. Even if there is no more romance between them, I will not deal with this again. And I'm not going to tiptoe around wondering and worrying.

I suggest you do the same - but to me, it's either give it your all, 110%, or don't give anything.

I'm willing to do that, but only if W is willing to do the same.

How about you?

[Sam1007]

Decided to check out your thread after reading a lot of your posts on Tawnya's and JD's threads.

Mostly, I have to side with what PDT, Gucci and JD are saying. You are in a position of power now. So now is your chance to make clear to your xBF what you want/need out of a R for it to work for YOU. xBF has left the door open for you to respond and set your demands. And there's no real hurry. I don't think you want to wait a few weeks before responding, but you can think about this for a few days in my opinion.

[pearlharbr]

I still don't know JD. I don't know if I love him anymore. I don't know if the feelings are gone or just buried so far underneath the hurt. Either way I'm just empty inside when it comes to xBF.

And I sort of feel like I need to figure this out before doing anything. Why bother giving him any hope if there isn't any?

You are right about getting rid of OW first. I will not accept any contact between xBF and OW. Period. That's the point of Gucci's suggested email. xBF needs to get rid of her permanently on his own before I would even consider working on our R.

Tawnya and I were talking about something earlier. Seems like the women we hang out with here are not as inclined to take the WAS back as the men are. Interesting.

And here's an issue I haven't seen anyone discuss (granted I haven't gone over to Piecing at all): how do you get over them being with someone else physically? The only way I can see myself getting past it is getting even. Not mature at all, but it's like I feel like he's gone out and had his fun, tried someone else on for size, so I should get to do the same before knowing if I really want to recommit to him. Now I know it's not right which makes me think that I really am done with him.

[JDOllie]

Revenge is never as sweet as you think.

In my opinion, that's the best place to start. IF the OW is gone, and he is willing to do that, no questions asked - then, and only then, in my opinion, can there even be a TALK of reconciliation.

If you require that of him, I would also be honest with him about your feelings. Let him know that if he completely pushes her away, it still may not result in reconciliation, but it is a requirement to even CONSIDER it.

If he doesn't respect that, then he's an idiot, and truly hasn't seen himself in the light he needs to.

I would say him "going out physically" obviously didn't do a whole lot for him - so what would it do for you? Wouldn't you just sort of feel soiled?

Quite honestly, if W came back to me, I wouldn't even want to know if there was a physical relationship - I don't know at this point. If I did know, I would require a full-scale STD test. Not very romantic, but oh well. If the test came back clean, I wouldn't ever mention the relationship again, keeping in mind my rule about zero contact for the rest of her life. I mean if she walked by him in the grocery store, she better leave her cart with the groceries still in it, and walk out - just in case he might try to say hi.

But that's me.

The feelings are a tough one. I love my W dearly, but I'm not sure if it's worth taking a chance on getting hurt again, just as I'm getting over it.

Honestly, thinking about going through the pain again makes my stomach hurt.