Wife is out and annouced OM to all #2

[25yearsmlc]

I think you want clarity....and don't we all?

(( j ))

[marriedCrazy]

Hey j,

I don't think I answered one of your questions about residual anger sabotaging any chance at reconciliation.

I definitely believe that residual anger may kill many marriages; and there was a time where it would have killed mine if I had let it. But I don't feel any anger and I wonder why. Am I NOT normal? Of all the things that my W has done; why am I not angry as hell? She has said and I have agreed; that being on the path to D is whole lot easier when we hate each other.

Don't get me wrong; I have had anger, lots of it. However, it has subsided over time. But it was anger that pushed me to detachment and ultimately made me happier. It forced me to get out of my shell and start living. The secretary at work commented recently that I am like completely different person since the separation. She said that I'm like a little kid now; happy and living like there's no tomorrow. Has that made the anger toward what my W has done disappear? I haven't forgotten what she's done; and I don't want exposure to that behavior again. But now her recent comments and that absence of any anger has opened up my heart to try again and I'm scared as hell about it. I'm scared that I'm being misled again, or played.

[25yearsmlc]

MC,

WE have all learned that there never were any guarantees, so to an extent our fears are something we didn't have before, b/c we assumed there were some guarantees and we were wrong. There was, and is always a risk in choosing to love. Always.

So, of course now that we know what the down side to the risk is; DEEP PAIN...we're gun shy. We'd be idiots not to be. It's just that all that "Standing" time means---I don't know what it means---IF we end up getting exactly what we prayed for only to then turn away from it.

Geez, I don't know the answers. I felt at one point the reason my M would probably end (which it has not) was actually b/c I would not get past the behaviors, and the kids had seen it, and I wasn't sure what the right thing to do was in that arena,(b/c you can't tell if it's your pride or trying to set a healthy example that is guiding you, if that makes sense) and my pride blurred with self respect, so it made it hard to know the diff between setting/enforcing a healthy boundary, and being punitive, like telling myself that it was "teaching h a lesson" "consequences", blah blah blah...

I used some of Marianne Williamson's books and materials about forgiveness and anger, that helped me so much that I don't think we'd have made it this far without her. She's a tad 'new agey' for some, but her exercises on forgiveness were great. I NEEDED THE EXERCISES...the experiential approach rather than didactic lecturing was what helped me to stop the obsessing and not let the anger consume me...yes, losing the anger was for me and our children, first and foremost..

So we are farther along in our restoration b/c of them. Does NOT mean we are done and like I said, we/I have backslides.

I did not really expect to be here in Piecing, b/c back then I thought the M had a 10% chance of surviving his departure....yet here we are. It's tenuous but getting more solid in a two steps forward one step back type of way. I think we're approaching a crossroads where we'll either end up renewing our vows and meaning it, letting go of the past and moving forward together with the lessons learned and processed and behaviors addressed/changed...or we'll be done.
I'll be fine either way but cannot say the same for h. I feel bad for him and the R's with the kids for he was once a happy interactive father with them...I pray they'll find their way back to each other some day.

I'm rambling. But I know what you mean about the anger. Who's to say God did not soften your heart and what you are seeing as utter confusion, is actually a softening? I choose to believe that in my case. But like others have said, "take your time and protect yourself, as best you can in a realm where NONE of us is ever truly "safe"... make sense?

Take care
(( j ))

[pearlharbr]

Hi MC, I'm Tawnya's friend who's facing a similar sitch...

Because the truth is I still want out; but if she's changing her mind, it muddies up the situation for me.

I don't know what I want right now.

This is exactly where I am. So frustrating.

I'm not a religious person but think I am going to pray for clarity tonight.

It's good to know someone else going through the same thing. Not that any of our sitchs are good, but hopefully you know what I mean. I'll be following you to see what happens.

[pollyanna]

Hi MC - It is amazing that you find yourself in this stuation. In order to protect yourself I guess you have to be suspicious of motives. i think the fine line is when your suspicions start hurting any chance of gaining trust back. I dont have any answers , but i will read with fasination your progress.

I am not religious but I will pray for you on this.

Lots of people are married for all sorts of reasons. List what is important to you and see if it is possible.

[marriedCrazy]

Pollyanna..you asked me to list what is important to me and to see if staying married is possible.

My first thought is that it really doesn't matter what is important to me; because if it isn't important to my W as well, the M is over.

But since you asked, my MAIN priority in saving this M has always been to give my children what the W and I lacked in our childhood; two loving parents, living in the same house, married and in-love with each other.

A few weeks back my S8 asked me if he was going to have 2 mommies. I, of course, told him "no." That he would only have one mommy; but I knew what he meant. I explained that it was entirely possible, that at some point in life there may be a step-mother in his life. Just like there may be a step-father in his life.

Last night, the W was over again to "see the kids." Mostly, she talked with me out on the back deck. She didn't bring up any talks of us this time. Talked mostly about her new job, her mother and their life growing up; she was explaining all the ways that her mother disappointed her. She was trying to say that she wasn't going to do that to her kids; but little does she know (maybe she does and doesn't want to admit)that she already does do some of the same things her mother did. She talked about school and about how our current situation was best for the kids.

In the middle of all this, S8 threw a fit. Something about he couldn't control his mind. He said that he was trying to go one way and his mind made him go the other. He cried for about 20 minutes and finally calmed down. He had a meltdown on Saturday at a friend's house and he told my mother that he had "anger issues." Those were his words. He has told me that before, about three weeks ago. We talked about the need to get him into counseling. We just haven't agreed to whom to send him to just yet. She wants to him to see one of her professors; who has her practice just south of us. I want him to see one that is part of a mental health group run by the church I have attended from time to time. Anyway, he needs it. His grades aren't suffering and I'm not getting any negative feedback from school; so that's good.

So toward the latter part of the evening, S8 asks the W if she is going to come back to live with us after she finishes school. At that point, I couldn't hear her reply; I said matter of factly that this affects all of us, so she could feel free to speak up. S8 asked her if he was going to have 2 daddies, 'cause he didn't want 2 daddies. he only wanted 1 mommy and 1 daddy.

Several minutes later, the W asked me what I thought about that and how to respond. I told her with the truth. She said that she told him he would only have 1 mommy and 1 daddy. There couldn't be more than that. I responded that you should know what he means; he means step-parents.

So Pollyanna, last night is why I have fought for 3 years to save my M; just to avoid my kids having to think these thoughts.

My plan is do the settlement paperwork, 2 weeks from today and continue as we planned. I'm not seeing any action from her and I'm not waiting to proceed. If this spurs any action, we'll see; but I doubt it.

[Tawnya]

{{{MC}}} I'm sorry my friend..it seems your W has thrown you this curve, which threw your "well laid plans" into a holding pattern..it SOUNDS like she's rethinking, esp for the kids' sake, like you would be..

But you are right, actions have to follow or the words are just empty!

Tawnya

[marriedCrazy]

me thinks she was only reconsidering because she was broke...now she just got her student loan money and she's telling S8 that we are still splitting up. So that's how I'm going to proceed

[Tawnya]

ack {{{MC}}} that would suck if that is true..my husband may be a jerk..but at least he's sticking with the I don't want to get back together scenario..instead of waffling..

Tawnya

[Tawnya]

So {{{MC}}}} just popping in to see how your sitch is progressing, either forward, backward, or stagnant?

AND..hope you are having a great week and have good plans for a great weekend my friend

Tawnya