Newly Seperated - What To Do?

[Uncool Cat]

My wife and I separated about a month ago. She said she didn't love me anymore. I guess she's a WAW - ironically I'm the one who had to move out. I'm on red alert trying to do everything I can to save the marriage. I made some initial mistakes, but two weeks ago I signed up for coaching and started listening to Michele's CDs and reading the books.

I haven't put any pressure on my wife (at least I hope not). I keep our boys (8 and 5) for her once a week when she goes to night school. When I do, I do the best job I can with the boys. Then once they are in bed, I work like a madman around the house. Doing as many things as possible: dishes, clothes, etc. When she comes home. I do my very best to act upbeat, ask her how school went, and then I say goodbye and leave.

She did thank me the last time I did this. I chaulked that up as a positive.

What frustrates me is that she doesn't really talk to me about anything. We discuss when I will pick up the boys, how long I will keep them etc. She's cordial, but that's it. She's not nice or mean, or anything. It's like she's become this robot. I have been erased.

I don't know how to do a 180 here. I know not to pressure her. I know not to say I love you. I try to act happy. I'm just frustrated. Many (I know not all) of the techniques Michele suggests do involve having a conversation. We have almost no coversation about anything at all.

I just don't know what to do.

I originally posted the above in another forum. I thought since I am a newcomer, I should probably post here instead. Here are some more facts you should know.

I implied above that I only see my boys once a week. That's not the case. I also see them on weekends. I just don't get to do it at my house, and I have even more limited interaction with my W.

Also, some people may wonder why I'm trying to do so much for her around the house when I'm there. This is what my DB coach told me to do.

I just really don't know how to do a 180 in this situation. I also don't know how to set the small goals Michele talks about. She says that the goals should be accomplished in 1 - 2 weeks. I don't know what I could do in that period of time that would get any reaction out of my spouse. At the rate I'm going, I speak to her 15 minutes a week - mostly about when I will pick up or drop off the boys.

I considered telling her that I had accepted the fact that we would never be together again and that she would never love me, and that I was trying to move on. I thought this might be a 180 type event. But I haven't done it.

Any advice on a 180 or the very first goals to set would be appreciated. Thanks for the help.

[spellfire]

First question: If she is leaving you, why did you leave the house?

Second question: What are/were your W's major complaints about you throughout the M?

Third question: Any chance or signs she might be seeing someone else? A new "friend" or anything like that?

[working on me]

Hey, I am really sorry and feel your pain! I am going through a near ientical situation right now as well. I hope there a vets of this sight that can offer us both some sound advice. I just wanted to tell you another guy just like you is out there. lost, devestated, confused. I know that statement doesn't help you in any way, but know this you are a brave and honorable man for fighting to keep your family intact. I will check back in with you often. Try your best to be the best man, father and husband you can, I think that maybe all we can do right now. Once again I am so sorry for the pain you are in right now.

[Uncool Cat]

Spellfire, here are the answers as best as I can give:

1. She is leaving me. I'm not exactly sure why I left. Probably more than one reason. I think I hoped she would stop me. I think I wanted to appease her and do something different. I hadn't read any DB stuff and thought this would invoke some sort of change in her. It didn't. At one point I even asked her to stop me. That didn't help either. I've thought about going back, but I think this would only escalate the tension. I will ask my DB coach about it on Monday, that's our next appt.

2. She says that I am selfish. She says that I put everything else in front of her - job (I own an insurance agency), music (I play guitar and write songs)etc., etc. I made the mistake of telling her I could change a few weeks ago. This escalated into an argument where she attacked my personality brutally. She says it's too little too late. She doesn't believe it can happen.

I guess I can understand why she doesn't believe. She threatened to leave two years ago. I worked really hard around the house for a few months, and we went to counseling. [I see now that this wasn't the right kind of counseling. More about that later.] I got her to hang on and stay. The problem is I ran out of energy after a while. I did make some changes that stuck, but I think she's pretty blind to those. In the end she was just "tolerating" me for those two years. Therefore, in her eyes, she has some "proof" that I can't change.

She also had a big problem with another agency/business I am trying to purchase. She was worried that I was using our home as collateral. In the end I told her that I would not use the house, that she would not have to sign anything etc. I did this after begining the DB program. It's the only thing so far that I'm fairly certain I handled correctly.

3. The third question is difficult. I don't think she is seeing anyone else. She has gotten back in touch with several friends lately through Facebook. Not really any males though. Most of those are happily married females (as far as I know). I did get kind-of sick of the Facebook and her when I was living there. But, I never said anything about it. Besides, I'm on it as well.

I've tried to think of who might be telling her this is all OK, or giving her some motivation, and I really don't know. I mean I know who her friends are and who she talks to. I'm sure she's getting the standard support, but I can't think of anyone who would say, "He's awful, you should definately leave him." If she's having an affair, she's doing a very, very good job of hiding it. And who knows at this point, she's a pretty smart lady. Maybe she is hiding it that well.

[OK, about the counseling. First of all, what the guy mainly talked about was our past. Her mom and dad, my mom and dad: how we became what we were. The solutions were few and far between. Second, he told me not to complain about my lack of affection etc. until we came into a session. He told me to let the session be a time when I could discuss my feelings. Well, what do you think I did? I bottled it all up until a session, and then I let her have it. He moderated, but it was still torture for her.]

In conclusion, according to her, "I can't change and counseling won't help."

So, do you or anyone have a suggestion for a 180, or some small goals to set? Thanks for the help.

[Uncool Cat]

Sad

Thank you. I really don't know what else to say except thank you. I just hope we can both grow from this and have successful marriages. Talk to you soon.

[2gthrButApart]

I'm new here too, so can't really offer any words of wisdom yet.

The thing that has been "working" a lil' for me was trying to remember the complaints my H has made about me or our M, and trying to do complete 180's.

I've been showing changes, but NOT TELLING him I'd change. Thats' a big mistake I made when we 1st started having M problems last spring, I said I'd change, and I would. For a couple of wks. Then the old me would come back. Now he's having a hard time believing I can change. So basically now I'm proving myself to me, then to him. The walls of trust need to be able to open again.

It takes a lot of self control, but you can definitely do it if your M is important enough to save, and I know it is or you wouldn't be looking to save it. Acting "As If" is super hard, but it helps in a weird way. I know I bottle things up too, and acting as if isnt bottling things up, it's holding back, acting like you're not angry, then expressing your feelings in a non harsh non complaining way.

When you don't show your weakness, by reacting to their nasty comments, they have nothing to feed off of, like a bully in school. If you ignore them they get bored, they quit trying to make you angry, there's no point.

Read DR, and practice what it says, and follow advice from the experienced members here. A lot of them really know their stuff.

Good Luck....We are in the same boat.

[letterman]

We have similar situations, but I'm living in our finished basement. I've been here about 6 weeks now. I had a nice talk with the W last night for the first time in a few weeks about what's going on between us and our Ds. Lesson 1 is to take care of yourself, physically, emotionally. It's very difficult to get into a new routine, but it's what you need to do to effect change. Also remember, that you've come to a great place for support.

[ppenton]

Well, my W was very good at hiding her A for at least 2 months. She had a disposable phone and when she went out with her girlfriends, she would ditch them to meet with OM. When someone is having an A (not that your W is) but they are very good at being secretive and lying. Follow the DR book and the coaches advise.

[spellfire]

Good responses UC, I'm at work but will respond when I get a spare moment.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Uncool Cat,

1) Most women who leave their husbands have been working on a "soft place to fall." I'd be highly surprised if their wasn't at least a strong emotional attachment to another man there somewhere.

2) Most wayward spouses -- and nearly ALL wayward women -- have an enabling friend, usually a girlfriend, and maybe more than one that they surround themselves with. Has she cut off or pulled back on her usual relationships with friends and family, and gravitated toward a new small circle like this?

3) You shouldn't have moved out of your house, and I'd strongly advise you to consider moving back in.

4) You seem to be a bit of a "pleaser" and a "Nice Guy." I recognize them because I'm off-the-charts in this regard, too. Would it be safe to say that it would be a "180" for you to stand your ground a little here, and not appease your wife?

5) I don't like the bust-your-ass around the house advice. It rarely works, most people do it for the wrong reasons (you should do it if you haven't historically pulled your fair share, and because it's the "right thing to do" -- NOT to get a reaction out of your wife), and if anything, it makes you appear WEAK to the walkaway spouse. I do like small acts of kindness (washing her car for her as a surprise, covering her with a blanket if she falls asleep on the couch while you're visiting, etc.), but NOT Mr. Housekeeper.

Just my two -- or, in this case, FIVE -- cents.

Puppy