A month ago my wife told me she wanted me to move out/ a separation. We have had a rocky relationship for nearly 19yrs. At times I was verbally abusive, said hurtfull things and yelled alot. About a year ago we began to go to counseling. During that time we had great times together and bad times as well. Around the begginning of December I made a personal choice to start creating an atmosphere in our relationship that I wanted in an attempt to create a change in the house. I was more attemntive, loving and compassionate toward her. During that month we made love twice, we hadn't made love since last summer when we were on vacation. Although that was a pleasant change, she seemed awkward though on a daily basis when I would give her a random hug or just be affecionate. So the second week of January I confronted her about the awkward feelings I was getting from her, I explained that I had begun to just act in the way I would like our relaionship to be as I had said I began to do in December. I asked her what was going on with her, meaning did she not like the changes that I was making or was she uncomfortable or what, because if she didn't want for us to be like that then why not, what's the deal? So that day she didn't respond, a week went by still with no response. Then one morningshe told me that she had bought tickets to a concert that would be happening in April. I asked her if she knew who she was going to go with and she said a sort of friend of ours that we occasionally see with a group of other friends. I asked her when she made this decision and she said two days ago, when I asked if and when she was going to tell me that she made these lans she told me she didn't know because she didn't want to get itno a fight with me about it so she just planned on not telling me yet. I was devestated to say the least!
So then a few days later she tells me she wants us to separate and for me to move out while she figures things out.
In addtion we have two young boys ages 3 and 7.
In a counsleling meeting the counselor pressed her to tell me how long this separation might occur, and she said 3 months, but didn't know what that would mean about whether or not I would be coming home.
To add insult to injury, I am out of work, I hurt my back a few years ago. So I went back to school and got a college degree which I graduated December 2007. I did not get a job and we had made the decision that I would be a mister mom for a while because she had expanded her buisness and needed to spend alot of time there. We made this decision to help the kids and so the house and such would be taken care of. So now I have no job and no place to live except in the garage on a cot at my parents house and they live 30min. away.
So now a month has gone buy and I am still in the house, two weeks ago, the day after valentines day, I told her that I needed some answers as to what we were going to do since I was still currently in the house. She told me she still wants me out of the house. I asked her why I was still in the house at this point if she still wanted me out and she said that when she intially told me she wanted a separation she had expected me to fight with her a be mean about it, but I hadn't. In fact, they way I was handling myself, and actiong toward her and the boys had made her feel the urgency to get me out of the house wasn't there. So I said to her that I love her with all of my heart and that I had confidence and faith that we could work this out and come together stronger. I told her that I had died inside when she initially told me and that made me reevaluate my life and what was important and that I was willing to do anything to work it out with her for us and the boys. I told her I wanted to show the boys by example how to overcome absticles with love and compassion and to give them the opportunity to grow up in an intact family, something that neither her or I had growing up. She gave me know response at that time except to nod her head alot and say that she believes what I am saying but she needed to work on herself so that she could be happy within herself. She said she needed to sort alot out about why she would put up with what she had been putiing up with and why she would treat me in the way she hd been reating me and thatshe couldn't do it with me in the house because she felt like she just could't breath when I am there.
So two weeks went by without any discussion what so ever of our relaiionsip or our future. During that time I really took on the changes in me, and I have been carring myself in a way that I know is right. I decided that the only thing I can do is to be the best man I can be, the best loving caring father I can be and the best husbaand I can be, because that's what we all deserve. The changes in me and my actions began to change the way we all are now in the house, there is less tension, the kids get along better and are listening better, its just a totally different feel than it has ever been.
BUT, a few days ago after the kids had gone to bed she told me that she had thought about what I had said to her two weeks before about when she wanted me out and about the boundires she ws comfortable with. She told me she wants me out by the first of April. She said that we need to talk about how where were going to tell the kids and when and how I would be able to see them. I told her that I had changed and those changes were going to remain whether or not I stay with her. She said she had been seeing those changes, but she didn't know whether those changes were going to be permanent. She said that the changes in more are the changes that she had been hoping for all along, but now they are so drastic that it is making her uncomfortable. She says she doesn't feeling like I am smothering her or pressuring her, but she can't get her breath when I am in the house and that the separation had to occur.
So I asked where does that truly leave us, because she really doesn't deal well with decisions any ways. She told me she knows how bad this is hurting me especially given my changes and that I had no where to live except in the garage at my parents house and that I was giving up everything that is important to me in life, she said she feels bad about hurting me. But she said we would have no chance unless I leave. So I asked if we would have contact with each other and she said the only contact she wants is to discuss the kids and their well being. She said she doesn't want to work on us or discuss us at all. So I asked if she was going to start to see other people and she right in this moment she has no plans on doing so, but she also said that she would not rule it out either.
So now I don't know what to do, things in the house have been very good and the kids are doing better than ever. I don't want to move out, I think its the wrong thing to do. Its bad for the kids and if she doesn't even want any discussion work to be done on our relaionship than are we doomed. Should I refuse to move out or should I respect her wishes in hopes that she continues to see that the changes in me are here to stay and to see that I respect her wishes?
Go with your gut. You DON'T need to move out, and you CERTAINLY don't need to give her your blessing for dating other people while you're still married. She seems to be fishing for space, and for permission to do that, like she already has someone in mind. Just tell her that you think it's disrespectful, and that YOU have no intention of doing so, as it would be breaking your marriage vows.
If she's the one who wants the "space," you should let HER leave. You're wanting to work on your marriage, and keep your family intact, and by her own admission things are peaceful. Why break that stability up for your kids?
Something doesn't smell right to me. Who's this "friend of ours" that she's planning on going to the concert with???
Since last summer she had asked me to go to a few concerts with her, she loves music and concerts. I had declined though, I get pannick attacks in large crowds. So she began going with her mom and other people. One night on a group outing this guy was with the group when my wife was talking about music and concerts and he said how much he likes going to concerts. This guy has been divorced for the last year after his waw left him and their kids for another man. I don't know him really well, but he had always seemed to be a stand up guy. My wife told the guy that she wanted to separate with me but still wanted to go to the concert with him. He asked if I was okay with it, she told him he would have to ask me. He even called me and left a messeg saying that he was sorry for what i was going through right now because he knows how painful it is and wishes me the best in working things out with my wife, But the plans are still in the works for them to go to a concert next month.
Just be careful. I find it curious that her going to the concert with him was the FIRST thing she brought up after a day or two of silence following your questioning of her cold and distant behavior.
Almost like she's trying to ease you into it or something.
Since last summer she had asked me to go to a few concerts with her, she loves music and concerts. I had declined though, I get pannick attacks in large crowds. So she began going with her mom and other people. One night on a group outing this guy was with the group when my wife was talking about music and concerts and he said how much he likes going to concerts. This guy has been divorced for the last year after his waw left him and their kids for another man. I don't know him really well, but he had always seemed to be a stand up guy. My wife told the guy that she wanted to separate with me but still wanted to go to the concert with him. He asked if I was okay with it, she told him he would have to ask me. He even called me and left a messeg saying that he was sorry for what i was going through right now because he knows how painful it is and wishes me the best in working things out with my wife, But the plans are still in the works for them to go to a concert next month.
This is who your wife has feelings for and this is who she really wants to be with. Now, he might not have those same feelings for her, but she wants him to. I have the same problem with large crowds or really even small groups of people.
Ok people I don't just want to talk about this guy thing. I really ned some sound advice on my looming separation and that fact that she wants me out despite the changes in me. Please some sound advice!
The general opinion on the board is that the one who wants the separation should be the one moving out. So I probably would not move out in your situation. I would not even move out of the bedroom.
There are ways to give her space in a lot of other ways. Let her initiate conversations, no R talk, do your own thing at night, spend time with the kids, allow her to go out, go out yourself etc
Do you want to move out? How would that make you feel better?
M43 W45, M17 S9 D6 Bomb: 11/11/08 EA: 10/26-12/31/08 ? Retrouvaille: 2/13-2/15/09 Healed, but still heading for D My situation
I understand that you don't want to talk about this other guy, but if you don't address this now, it will grow. Believe us. Your W might be in an EA with this guy. He may not even know it.
Right now don't move out. Your W feels like a caged animal, then let her move out. If you're the one that's been staying home, why should you have to leave?
Your W is reacting based on how you had treated her in the past. So the one thing you want to do is start re-building the trust and friendship with her. Tell her you understand how she feels and are willing to give her space, however because she is the one who is questioning the relationship, she should be the one to leave and sort things out.
Don't do or say anything to make her feel guilt, just say it matter of factly. You want to make it easy for the kids. Split their time between the two of you if you want, or you can even have an in-house separation.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I really don't think she is having an EA at this point. She has no time. She really doesn't have any friends and told me that the guy reminds her of hear brother that died ten years ago and that she just wants a friend. I know this doesn't sound good but I just want to believe her.
