I've been lurking on your posts, waiting for more news I suppose. But rather than waiting any longer, I wanted to tell you what a good dad you are. It's crucial that we women read these stories, and that you know that WE know you are a good guy. I don't know your former story or significantly older posts. But what I've read here is pretty calm and impressive. Your faith is inspiring and your clarity helps me a lot. I have some questions for you.
Thanks for the kind words. Even though I know that I'm a great dad and a good guy; it's always nice to be recognized as such by others unrelated to the sitch. My faith is pretty strong; though I don't always want to recognize what I know that God wants me to do. In fact, it's pretty coincidental that you posted to me this morning as I was going to post last night. However, I had to discuss this with a great friend of mine before I went public with this. I'm at a crossroad. I've enjoyed my time separate from her; a whole lot more since she officially moved out in Jan. She had been doing things in the last 30 days that I took for just being friendly. My friend told me she was coming home. After we spent time together and conversed a couple of nights ago; I'm convinced that she's at least giving it serious thought. Right out of the blue she comments, "If we're going to do this again, we have to do it right this time." And we were off and running after that.
What do I feel about that? Frankly, scared!! Why? Just like one of her reasons for not coming back was HER fear that things would go back to the way they were. Common amongst all of us, I'm sure. Certainly, I don't want to return to that life.
She stated that we would to go to counseling. Iagree. I want to go to Retro first. She mentions how we need to start attending church together; even if we just meet there. Sounds good to me. Get to know each better and in a more intimate way this time; as we rushed into our marriage anyway. I also agree with that. She isn't to return home immediately and maybe we just do a prolonged separation now instead of a D. She hasn't been in her R with OM since after the texting volley we had a few weeks back. She mentions her changing perspective on life, marriage, and motherhood. I could go on and on with all the positive talk. But look at what I just wrote, TALK. I told her that when starts making the changes and doing the right things; I would consider recon if she were to ask. But I'm not willing to spell out the couple of things I'd like to see; I think I'll make them new DB goals and work toward it, if I have to.
Back to you. I offer the following thoughts, not all consistent. I am struck by the love between and for you both, in the tone and content of what you tell each other.
There is friendship and real concern about the other. But regardless, If she were fully ready and willing to bravely ask for reconciliation, she'd come out and say, "I want back in. What's it gonna take?" And she'd do it, or try damn hard. If she wondered about it but was afraid, then what is it you think she fears?
Interesting observation that you make; there is a friendship and she told me as such the other night. How comfortable she is around me; how she's really starting to enjoy the time that we spend together. But we really haven't spent much time together short of the funeral last month and an hour or so the other night.
I also have started hearing about how great our M was at times and she's talked about some of the good times that we've had. So her perspective on our M is being verbalized in a positive tone now. I don't know what to think of that.
As I stated above, I think her fear is a return to cycle of life we were living during the last 2.5 years of our M. There might also be some pride involved as well. There might be some fear of rejection as well. She has always needed to liked by everyone. She doesn't like "no."
I don't know your past behavior, or what she might worry about. I doubt it's your temper, but is it? Your suspicions & retaliation? Or is it all her shame? Shame is a drag.
I don't have much of a temper. I'm pretty even-keeled. That is NOT an issue. What one issue would be is my suspicion. She has behaved pretty awful in numerous ways and, even at this moment, I'm suspicious of her motives. Why now? OM is gone, lonely? She thinks I have a GF, jealousy? Wants custody, so she comes back for a while and works a new strategy? These are all things going on in my head.
I don't think she's worried about retaliation; she has already expected me to have my own affair and she knows I'm not vengeful.
I'm sure she's worried about how I'll watch her every move, phone call, and trip outside the house. I don't want that kind of life again; but trust will be a big issue.
From my end, I thought you made (reconciliation) sound fairly remote. Like she'd have some mountains to climb. Many on this board think that's the thing to do but I feel as if the time for that is when they're brave and feel strong so they don't get scared off. She isn't there. But heck, I am not certain in these things...
Yes, she would have mountains to climb; so would I for that matter. Maybe we've been climbing them already. Lord knows, I've been dealing with myself and why I get hooked up with these types. I have almost always had a crazy GF; then I married one. The only one that was sane; I didn't know how to act around. So I blew my chance.
I made the mistake last April, when she came home in a crying breakdown after a 3 week separation; of making hard demands on her for reconciliation. In retrospect, that was a mistake because I didn't offer to make any hard changes in myself.
She told me the other night that she knew there would be demands. I told if and when the time comes; we'll discuss them.
Fwiw, your analysis about what it would take for a reconciliation, and the lines you'd have to draw for yourself and how you would have to watch yourself so that you won't become too controlling or punitive, was amazingly insightful and honest. Well done. You're one of the first LBSers to say it that way. You hit the nail on the head. I think we (LBSers) all have to wonder what we'd need to reconcile happily -- and then we have to ask ourselves if our spouses, or any spouses, can possibly achieve that.
Or, are we setting them up for failure? Consciously? If so, why?
I know recon can't be too easy or fast or it won't work, obviously. But Is it that we are so afraid of being hurt again, or so angry, that we don't want it to be easy at all, and thereby make it almost impossible? And if so, why?
We ARE afraid of being hurt again. Dammit, I've given this women numerous chances in our M; I feel we're finally about to be done with this and she comes to me with all of this talk that I would have loved to have heard 10-24 months ago. Now, I just question the motives and don't trust the reasons.
But my faith in God and her, apparent, renewed interest in living a Christian lifestyle force me to have to at least listen to hear and watch her actions.
I just want to run and get D; as quickly as possible. But HE makes me wait, for he hates divorce and my children deserve two loving parents living together. But in the end, I still ask myself; "What does Tom want?" "Why can't I have what I want?" Maybe I can; I don't know; for there are no guarantees.
Alas, the land between self-will and God's will!!
So MC, how do you, as an honest man with a good heart, know what you can/should handle? Do you have any specifics about what it would take for you to stay M, and how long? Have you told her?
First - Leave Girl's Night alone; save a couple of times per year. Second - Be my friend on FB and list yourself as married to me. Third - Retro Fourth - MC Fifth - Date while she's living at her apartment
Some of these, obviously, can occur simultaneously.
How do you know you won't be the problem?
In two words, I don't! I just know that whatever decision that I make; I'll make it in the best interest of me and my kids. All the while, I'll be praying for Him to give me guidance.
