"With respect to the verbal ju-jit-su, what do you mean? Can you give me an example of how that would go if she says that she can't because she's still hurt/anger/resentful?"
Well when you're having a conversation with her and you say something and she brings up the "hurt/anger/resentful" argument again, that's your cue that what you just said was wrong in her eyes. It's her defensive mechanism to block what you just said. So you counteract her defense by saying something that neutralizes what you said that she found wrong and in turn change it into something she agrees with. When you do that, she's going to feel that you "understand" her. Don't worry if it's not what you believe but if it helps to keep things positive between you two, then you have nothing to lose.
It takes some practice but after awhile, it'll get easier. That is an excellent cue that she gives off.
"If saving the marriage is the goal, then what's the right answer? Working/improving on the relationship? Finding the love/passion back in our relationship?"
That's the thing. What you just said are all goals. The right answers are the little positive things you do to make the situation better. For example, things that show that you appreciate her efforts, thanking her, complimenting her, GAL. See all of those things are little answers to your questions of what should I do? If you do enough of these things (like the Love Languages), you are in turn working on the relationship and bringing in the love/passion back into your relationship. And that's love/passion, not sexual. They are very different to a woman. Intensify the positive experiences with her and it will stoke the flames of passion. Hope that makes sense.
"It is so descriptive of her that it seems to be a mid-life crisis. She really seems unhappy/negative about everything in her life. I had asked her what her dream was (2-3 weeks ago) before and she said it was to be in a better place (I assume she meant physically and emotionally). Do you think I should ask her again to elaborate?"
Don't elaborate. I have a feeling she's going to bring it up on her own maybe in a different way. Just be prepared when she does and then you can ask her to elaborate IF SHE WANTS TO.
"I know it's bugging her as she's been trying to lose weight and I lost it without trying....."
Total MLC thinking. She's again looking at what she can have, but is self-defeating herself. She feels that she doesn't have the energy or strength to get into shape. Our Ws only see the negatives of everything going on right now. They need to see that the power lies within and that rather than tearing things down, the better answer is to build upon what they have.
People in MLC are either builders or destroyers. The ones who come out stronger are the ones who re-evaluate their lives based on the positives and build their new lives on that. The ones who come out weaker, are the ones who feel that the only way they can be happy is to destroy everything they had before and start all over again. They don't care that they are also destroying other peoples' lives along the way (spouse, kids, home, etc.) It's a very selfish time. So understanding that, make it about you and her as individuals.
Right now my W is so MLC that I decided that I would setup a bunch of fun activities for all of us to do. If my W has fun, great, if not, then her loss. I've changed it to show her that it's her decision to be happy or not. Rather than her trying to please me and vice versa. That builds her up and makes her stronger as a person and along with the compliments I've been giving her, hopefully will snap her out of her funk sooner. and that's what you want.
Your W will see your positive activities and at first she will be put off, but there may be a tipping point where she will think "that does look like fun" and start joining in. That will produce all of the good feeling endorphins in her body that will counteract all of the depressed feelings she's been keeping inside.
Keep her mind off the negative feelings. Literally. That's why I said something as simple as playing a board game together can do wonders.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
