Just keep in mind guys, that in general, women don't / can't just "turn on" in the same way that you can. You're trying to start a campfire the old-fashioned way, and in a strained relationship, in wet weather to boot. it takes careful attention to what's going on and how she's responding to what you're doing in any particular moment, and --> time <--. Dry your tender....get a spark going....feed the small flame.....bank it and build it slowly.
Hehe, uncanny coincidence you picked this analogy, or based on the title of my thread?
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First, if your LD spouse is feeling PRESSURE for sex, and doesn't trust regular non-sexual touch from you -- she always thinks you "only have one thing on your mind" and use *every* touch as a precursor to sex -- then everything I've written can easily backfire on you. While you're trying to relax her and coax her into arousal, she's getting more and more tense, knowing and dreading where you're going. Before you even head for the bedroom, she either has to have agreed ahead of time that a sexual encounter is alright with her, OR that she's at least open to the idea of letting you try to take her there. Be open and honest about your intentions from the beginning --> if you try to *sneak* her into the mood, it may very well backfire on you, either during the encounter or in the aftermath.
EXACTLY what I was thinking. As mentioned before, establishing intention is something I am working on, since my old pattern was to always move from non-sexual to sexual touch. Now when I want to ML I tell my W early in the day what I want and what I am thinking about so she can decide ahead of time if she is willing or not. This leaves other times open to touching her non-sexually without taking it there.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Brilliant as always B. I think I may request a Massage like that in the near future. My H offers and I have always said NO. I have to agree with your whole post. And~ Yes once the resentment goes. HARD is so delicious. I just finally got my H to agree to this. I had the best "O" of my entire life. Actually even better than that? The whole experience was sensual and electric.
This board would not be the same w/o you. I have to say touching outside the bedroom is something we ( H and I) are still working on and I would love to be touched much more. I understand though, he gets too turned on by me to do that more often. Anyway spellfire... what B said.
We had another milestone moment last night. We were talking about something and the topic of ML came up. She told me she knows I would prefer to be doing it 2-3 times a week, but she was still getting used to doing it once a week for now. I told her I understand completely, it is quite a jump for us.
She seems to have accepted once a week as a starting point for us. It's weird though, because I never specifically told her that, I just started initiating on weekends. I guess she drew her own conclusions.
She told me that eventually once her school is done with she will be more open to ML on weeknights. Wow! I never anticipated that!
The whole conversation was very light, we joked around a lot throughout, it was a very positive conversation and reinforces that the changes I have made and continue to make are changing our entire dynamic.
Feeling really happy about it today.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
I was only half serious when I posted that comment but I'm glad I did now. Some insightful information...... thanx.
Seems like there could/should be some kind of "in between". I hate feeling like a beggar or emotional slave and think some of these ideas would make me feel like that. I'm more than willing to give and even grovel sometimes but not as a regular pattern/the norm. This sure seems hard sometimes - it's such a process - and a delicate one at that. The *zone* is narrow and moves.
Mike - sorry if Lucky interpreted you posted the bluntness as I think she might have.
For newbies reading, the answer is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Go for hands, feet, arms, legs, neck, decoulage, hair, face. Then move in.
Sheesh.
Lucky
This^
Were you responding to me or SH?
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Not that I mind in the slightest btw, just trying to clarify what SH was referring to.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
I was only half serious when I posted that comment but I'm glad I did now. Some insightful information...... thanx.
Ah okay, well yeah some good did come of it, it helped me refocus on my recovery also. In fact, reading back I said to myself "damn I need to take my own advice!"
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Seems like there could/should be some kind of "in between". I hate feeling like a beggar or emotional slave and think some of these ideas would make me feel like that. I'm more than willing to give and even grovel sometimes but not as a regular pattern/the norm. This sure seems hard sometimes - it's such a process - and a delicate one at that. The *zone* is narrow and moves.
That's also part of the puzzle. When you feel like a beggar you act like one. She sees this and it is not attractive. In fact it is very unattractive to a woman. A good rule for you is never again will you beg, grovel, be a slave to her. The problem is when our spouse occasionally rewards that behavior, we subconsciously learn that it is a strategy for obtaining sex. Meanwhile it is actually doing more harm to our chances by making us "biologically unattractive" to our mate.[/quote]
NMMNG, gogogo!
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
I seriously thought Mike was joking when he was wondering if you should just skip the neutral zones. So, that was a legit question. Right. I'm with you. Sorry, I meant to be funny right back with the "sheesh" because I was afraid someone might read that and think that they should start going straight for the crotch. Which, like Bagheera said, is only for certain situations.
I didn't mean to be blunt, I swear. Sorry for the misread.
I seriously thought Mike was joking when he was wondering if you should just skip the neutral zones.
Yeah, but it wasn't me who said that, it was stillhope.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
