The Love Languages book is good for a quick read-through not only because it helps you identify what makes you feel loved in a relationship, but it also is helpful in understanding why certain relationships within a family work better than others. One of my BILs cannot get along with his dad--yet if you look at it, both are offering the other what THEY like in a relationship, they're just frustrated that what they're getting back is what the OTHER person needs, which they're pretty much dismissing. Often where a parent has a "favourite" child, it's really because they both share the same language.
Ooooh, I know what you mean about feeling your H was totally bored with you. That sure shrivelled up my self-confidence. Then, to make matters worse, it became clear that any little thing the OW said was endlessly fascinating and exotic, by contrast. That's what hurt the most: my H stopped taking any interest in anything I had to say, but was constantly on the cell with the OW.
The whole housework thing is a really tricky area. When we were first married, I expected my H to do his share, and we did much of it together, and I taught him how to cook some things, etc. But after having kids, I was home more, and he'd look after the kids so I could get stuff done, and gradually he did most of the outside stuff while I looked after the house. Then came the MLC he became more and more selfish: his primary contribution was complaining about how I'd done things, or that his favourite shirt wasn't washed yet.... It drove me crazy that when we were guests elsewhere he'd help with the dishes, etc, but never lift a finger at home. I felt like a drudge, and disliked myself for getting into this position, but couldn't get through to him. When we'd met, he'd admired me for my mind, and now he couldn't even tell I had one.
His MLC made him repulsively selfish (though he'd always been that way to a degree), but I'm happy to report that he's a better guy now. He notices when I'm doing housework and helps out, and we're back to making meals together sometimes. We try to do the yard work together. I'm not sure he's ever cleaned a toilet, but I'm happy with where we're at. I think, if I ever get into another relationship, I wouldn't move in together without a clear agreement of how the housework was going to be split.
The disadvantage of this board is that the WAS always comes across at his worst. I can see a lot of negatives in your H, esp. after the MLC intensified his selfcentredness and unwillingness to engage with you. I'm having a harder time seeing his positive qualities. And I'm wondering, are they still the sort of qualities you'd want in a mate, or would you really prefer someone who, I don't know, argues with you? Does more couples activities? Have you thought what sorts of activities you might enjoy?
I hope Operation Weight Gain is still progressing steadily, and you have nice plans for the weekend!
