A month ago my wife told me she wanted me to move out/ a separation. We have had a rocky relationship for nearly 19yrs. At times I was verbally abusive, said hurtfull things and yelled alot. About a year ago we began to go to counseling. During that time we had great times together and bad times as well. Around the begginning of December I made a personal choice to start creating an atmosphere in our relationship that I wanted in an attempt to create a change in the house. I was more attemntive, loving and compassionate toward her. During that month we made love twice, we hadn't made love since last summer when we were on vacation. Although that was a pleasant change, she seemed awkward though on a daily basis when I would give her a random hug or just be affecionate. So the second week of January I confronted her about the awkward feelings I was getting from her, I explained that I had begun to just act in the way I would like our relaionship to be as I had said I began to do in December. I asked her what was going on with her, meaning did she not like the changes that I was making or was she uncomfortable or what, because if she didn't want for us to be like that then why not, what's the deal? So that day she didn't respond, a week went by still with no response. Then one morningshe told me that she had bought tickets to a concert that would be happening in April. I asked her if she knew who she was going to go with and she said a sort of friend of ours that we occasionally see with a group of other friends. I asked her when she made this decision and she said two days ago, when I asked if and when she was going to tell me that she made these lans she told me she didn't know because she didn't want to get itno a fight with me about it so she just planned on not telling me yet. I was devestated to say the least!
So then a few days later she tells me she wants us to separate and for me to move out while she figures things out.
In addtion we have two young boys ages 3 and 7.
In a counsleling meeting the counselor pressed her to tell me how long this separation might occur, and she said 3 months, but didn't know what that would mean about whether or not I would be coming home.
To add insult to injury, I am out of work, I hurt my back a few years ago. So I went back to school and got a college degree which I graduated December 2007. I did not get a job and we had made the decision that I would be a mister mom for a while because she had expanded her buisness and needed to spend alot of time there. We made this decision to help the kids and so the house and such would be taken care of. So now I have no job and no place to live except in the garage on a cot at my parents house and they live 30min. away.
So now a month has gone buy and I am still in the house, two weeks ago, the day after valentines day, I told her that I needed some answers as to what we were going to do since I was still currently in the house. She told me she still wants me out of the house. I asked her why I was still in the house at this point if she still wanted me out and she said that when she intially told me she wanted a separation she had expected me to fight with her a be mean about it, but I hadn't. In fact, they way I was handling myself, and actiong toward her and the boys had made her feel the urgency to get me out of the house wasn't there. So I said to her that I love her with all of my heart and that I had confidence and faith that we could work this out and come together stronger. I told her that I had died inside when she initially told me and that made me reevaluate my life and what was important and that I was willing to do anything to work it out with her for us and the boys. I told her I wanted to show the boys by example how to overcome absticles with love and compassion and to give them the opportunity to grow up in an intact family, something that neither her or I had growing up. She gave me know response at that time except to nod her head alot and say that she believes what I am saying but she needed to work on herself so that she could be happy within herself. She said she needed to sort alot out about why she would put up with what she had been putiing up with and why she would treat me in the way she hd been reating me and thatshe couldn't do it with me in the house because she felt like she just could't breath when I am there.
So two weeks went by without any discussion what so ever of our relaiionsip or our future. During that time I really took on the changes in me, and I have been carring myself in a way that I know is right. I decided that the only thing I can do is to be the best man I can be, the best loving caring father I can be and the best husbaand I can be, because that's what we all deserve. The changes in me and my actions began to change the way we all are now in the house, there is less tension, the kids get along better and are listening better, its just a totally different feel than it has ever been.
BUT, a few days ago after the kids had gone to bed she told me that she had thought about what I had said to her two weeks before about when she wanted me out and about the boundires she ws comfortable with. She told me she wants me out by the first of April. She said that we need to talk about how where were going to tell the kids and when and how I would be able to see them. I told her that I had changed and those changes were going to remain whether or not I stay with her. She said she had been seeing those changes, but she didn't know whether those changes were going to be permanent. She said that the changes in more are the changes that she had been hoping for all along, but now they are so drastic that it is making her uncomfortable. She says she doesn't feeling like I am smothering her or pressuring her, but she can't get her breath when I am in the house and that the separation had to occur.
So I asked where does that truly leave us, because she really doesn't deal well with decisions any ways. She told me she knows how bad this is hurting me especially given my changes and that I had no where to live except in the garage at my parents house and that I was giving up everything that is important to me in life, she said she feels bad about hurting me. But she said we would have no chance unless I leave. So I asked if we would have contact with each other and she said the only contact she wants is to discuss the kids and their well being. She said she doesn't want to work on us or discuss us at all. So I asked if she was going to start to see other people and she right in this moment she has no plans on doing so, but she also said that she would not rule it out either.
So now I don't know what to do, things in the house have been very good and the kids are doing better than ever. I don't want to move out, I think its the wrong thing to do. Its bad for the kids and if she doesn't even want any discussion work to be done on our relaionship than are we doomed. Should I refuse to move out or should I respect her wishes in hopes that she continues to see that the changes in me are here to stay and to see that I respect her wishes?
