Yesterday I screwed up big time. Wednesdays are W's day off, so after the success of last Saturday night, I mentioned that we might "do" something during the day. When she told me she had planned to do a bunch of housework, I countered with we won't be spending all day on it, plus I'll chip in and help out with whatever needs to be done.
W: "But we just did something 3 days ago. Wasn't that good enough for you?"
Me: "Yes, it was wonderful, that's why I want to do it again."
Then she insinuated that she would have the time if I had just done this stuff in the first place (cleaning the bath rooms). You have all this free time after all. That's when I blew my stack. It hit a raw nerve.
Do you think I sit around here all day doing nothing? I been working my ass off trying to find a f***ing job!"
There were even shoes flying. I took off and threw my slippers across the room. Thankfully they weren't Birks, I probably would have broken something.
Me: "Why do we have to fight tooth and nail over ML. It is something that is meant to bring us together not drive us apart."
W: "I just don't think I will ever be able to give you what you are wanting."
At one point she stripped and even said, "OK let's do something now."
Finally I cooled off and apologized for blowing up. But I didn't apologize for wanting this part of our M back. I'm tired of being the "sex police", but if I'm not we fall back into once a month or less and I won't go back there again.
I know I was so pushy and lost control. It's just so stupid to keep having to do this with her. Either she wants me or she doesn't. I feel terrible after we seemed to be doing so well over the weekend.
So we end up both furiously cleaning the bathrooms. When we finished all of that and took showers we ended up doing something but it wasn't ML. I don't know why I didn't just say let's wait until another day. It was bad, I know she was just pissed the whole time.
Like I said can somebody just shoot me now, I can't make this work anymore. This is the worst backslide yet. It may even be the sign of the beginning of the end of my M. I want to make my M work, I really do. I just don't know how or even IF it is workable anymore.
Well hun, this is still salvagable, but to me it just still screams out the same thing I have always been saying.....time for a talk. Time to let her know how close you are to leaving. Time to lay your cards on the table. Time to find a counselor, even if just for you not both of you.
She did tell you straight up, I just don't think I will ever be able to give you what you are wanting, right? Then please explore that with her. Get her honesty from her. She knows what you want and need and she is trying to be honest and say she doesn't know if she can do it. So essentially she is saying "will you want me even if I can't give you what you are wanting?" YOU are the one who needs to answer that question honestly with yourself, and work through it with her then.
She knows within herself that she doesn't feel the same about sex and about having sex with you that you feel about her and having sex with her. She is trying and has tried to stir it up within herself, but she can't find it any more often than she is already giving you.
This is your answer, dear. This is her highest level of desire she can reach. Please just face this answer and stop trying to change her.
I'm not saying that means leave her, I'm saying it means radical honesty with each other and FIND OUT if there is any hope for more. She will tell you if there is or there isn't.
Why make her unhappy, too? She feels pressured and inadequate, and all the while, she is giving you her best.
If her best isn't good enough for you, you need to be honest enough to say that and just figure out the next steps of what to do.
I am praying so hard for you and I know you are near a break through, one way or the other.
Time to let her know how close you are to leaving. Time to lay your cards on the table.
I didn't mention that the D-word came up in the argument. When she talked about my wanting you live now and wanting for us to ML more, she asked what I will do if she can't live up to what I am wanting.
W: "Does that mean getting something else on the side or prostitutes?"
Me: "How would that bring us closer? I want connection with YOU W, not just more sex. I want to *feel* the love between us. If you don't want that with me then that would mean divorce. It's the last thing I want and I don't want it to come to that. If we can't find a way back to each other though, then yes I would leave."
I little while ago I apologized for being so angry yesterday. Also for being so pushy with her. We *have* been doing so much better and then I had to go and screw it all up. Can we just start again and keep working together?
Originally Posted By: DQ
She knows what you want and need and she is trying to be honest and say she doesn't know if she can do it. So essentially she is saying "will you want me even if I can't give you what you are wanting?" YOU are the one who needs to answer that question honestly with yourself, and work through it with her then.
DQ, You are right that she is being honest with me and she is trying. I still find it hard to tell if it is just resistance on her part or her true highest level of desire. I'm not asking for for once or twice a day, I'm asking for once or twice a week.
Maybe I don't know honestly the answer to if I would want her if she can't give me this. It's still a battle within myself that I have to resolve before I will know what I can accept.
I'm still very supportive of all you are doing, the love behind your message, and your patience. However...just bringing the D word to the table during a fight isn't really laying your cards on the table.
I don't mean to sound like I am scolding you, but the reality here is that if you took the time to force her into a radically honest discussion about all of this and told her how close you are to leaving, then you wouldn't end up throwing it out there during a heated argument. You are holding onto resentment about everything and that isn't really her fault, its yours.
She can't take seriously what you say during a heated moment the same way she would take seriously a radically honest discussion.
She also can't evaluate what she is willing to do or how much she is will to change or try, if there is just this vague threat hanging over her versus radical honesty.
I do think you already know the answer to would you want her if she can't give you this....you are just too afraid to face that answer yourself. Unfortuantley, this isn't really fair to her, especially since she really is trying.
You have lots of reflection to do....but I know you are breaking through all the layers and barriers, one by one....they are inside of you, not in her pants. (I know you know that).
I thought that I'd be happy with once a week. Now I know I don't want "calendar sex." I want to have intimacy all the time. The kind of intimacy that is open and that makes frequency a non-issue.
I think it's maddening when I read on these posts, "Geez. We just did it X days ago." That just highlights that they don't get it. Neither party would be monitoring frequency if there was true intimacy.
Intimacy=closeness. Intimacy=what we all give of ourselves on this board.
Maybe we should be writing to our spouses more so that we can be more careful about what we express. Maybe take some of our post material and edit it into a letter. I know you've done a letter already. I just wonder if it should be more frequent. Like a blog just between lovers.
I don't know. Like I said, I'm sleep deprived, so I'm not thinking clearly at all. I have a bad case of foghead. Why do I feel blue when I'm sleepy? Hate that.
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