Over the Shock - Detaching and GALing

[sandi2]

Of course, now that I have been reminded of my true sitch, I am

once again feeling desperate, clingy, controlling, etc etc.

I felt bad because while she was out (and I saw that the card was gone and knew what was happening) my sons were interrupting me and I lashed out at them. They don't deserve that.

I really need to work on detaching more, but am finding it really really really hard.

Thinker, I wrote a post to Rzrbkfan today. I would say the same thing to you, so do me the favor of not having to retype everything and jump over to his thread and read what I wrote to him on how he is allowing his W to dictate his phyaical and emotional feeling. In other words, LBH's have that in common b/c you all are so focused on your WAW that whatever she says or whatever she does, or does not do that day.....it determines how you will feel. Why don't YOU make that determination for yourself? You will when you stop focusing on your W and focus on your life. As long as you are wrapped up in every word and deed she does, you are going to feel drained, depressed, and exhausted.

Sandi

[Thinker]

Thanks Sandi,

I went to that post and read it.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showthreaded&Number=1727370#Post1727370

I had a bit of an emotional hijacking this afternoon, but it's past. It's a cycle I go through. When we are together, things are generally friendly and "normal" so I slowly convince myself that things are better than they are -- and then get shocked back to "reality". It's that shock that hits me every time. Fortunately, the shocks seem to get milder and shorter each time, and the peace I feel between them seems to get a bit deeper and longer.

I Left and went out with a friend I hadn't seen in a while. We got talking and it turns out he is also going through a similar sitch - a bit different and a bit longer than I have, but similar enough that we could compare experiences and agree to support one another. That was a good feeling to know that you are not alone. I'll probably be going out with him a lot more often.

I also got a call from my Sister inviting me to a concert this weekend - music I haven't really listened to in 10-15 years. It will be good to get out and have fun in a crazy kind of way without my W.

[NewMe]

Thinker,

It's late and I want to go the gym tomorrow morning before work, but really wanted to chime in tonight. I can relate to your intermittent detachment. Some guys have done it much better than me - lovingly detached - and earlier in their sitches.

Me, I didn't really truly DETACH, until my W was in the D process and I had been GALing for 6 months - and it was still hard. Mine was more out of necessity - that I'd better get my sh*t together because I was going to be by myself soon. But it was still very helpful at that point - to get me through the last few months without going nuts.

But like I think I've said before, there was never an OM in my sitch - not sure what I would've done - I would've been crushed to say the least. And sometimes, I think it would've made it easier to go along with the D - at least in my mind. I'm not sure if I could stay married in the presence of an OM, since along with the new self love comes a new self respect.

What's good for you is that even when your detachment is weak at times, the weak times are getting shorter and therefore you are getting stronger. I know this isn't easy, with the OM and being in limbo. Sometimes, I think I have it "easy" knowing that the D is coming for me.

Stay strong. Keep reading. In addition to strengthening your body, work on you mind. That's one of my goals - I'm doing some yoga and want to start meditating.

Keep writing. You're doing great.

NM

[Thinker]

My W had LASIC this morning - a good thing in general. I think that if she no longer has to deal with contacts and the associated trauma, etc then she will be happier as a whole. I know it also goes along with the whole sort of MLC she has been going through (wanting to be younger, wanting less responsibility, focusing a lot more on her looks, looking for a new R, etc) but it will be good for her in the long run.

So now I am at home (not unusual since I work from home) and taking care of her while she sleeps and recovers. I think I'm going to have to take of for a while (maybe go work from the library or something) so that I am not staying here and hovering.

I need to go through "No More Mr. Nice Guy" again - and this time actually do the writing exercises that it requests.

[Thinker]

LESSON LEARNED: THE DANGERS OF NOT DETACHING

In the start of this thread - the first titled "Man Am I not Detached" I described my frustration / temporary obsession with a card that I was sure my W had hand delivered to OM when she ran out suddenly at the end of the day.

Fortunately I never said anything or really let on that I was feeling anything (she may have noticed, but I could have been upset about anything.) Today, when I was leaving to go out for a while, my W handed me the card, addressed to a girlfriend of hers who lives out of state and said "while you are out can you mail this for me? I tried to make it to the post office before they closed yesterday, but wasn't fast enough..."

Shows that I am I a DAM. It just goes to show you how paranoid you can become if you are not detached and are worrying about your sitch.

Lesson Learned:
-- Forget about what your S may or may not be doing.
-- Put your focus where it should be - on yourself.

[stillloveshim]

LMAO!!
Not that I'm laughing at you but I'm actually very relieved for you! And sounds like you've learned your lesson and thanks for sharing it with us.
Other than that, how goes it?

[sandi2]

I wished you would post that to every LBS that I have told to stop focusing on their spouse and focus on themselves! It will drive you crazy and you will get paranoid about everything said and done.....or not said and done!

Glad you didn't say anything. That would have been pie in your face, huh?

Detaching is awful, but it is for the health of the LBS in every way possible.....and it is for the sake of the WAS, too, b/c the LBS stops with the pursuing and the pressure that he/she isn't even aware that any is being applied to the WAS.

Sandi2

[Thinker]

Things have been quiet for the past few days - No R talk, no fights (we never do), but also no real affection. Basically no feedback of any sort. My W was crying quietly last night as she sat next to me watching TV (as far away as she could get on the couch) - "Are you OK?" - - "yes".

She got upset yesterday when I told her I was going to a concert on Saturday with my sister (My sister is a big-time music fan with ties to a lot of bands) and asked "I'm not invited?" When I replied "I didn't think you would be interested, would you like to go?" she just got quiet and said "No"

I am happy with the work that I have been doing and am much happier with my life than I was several months ago. In some ways, however, I feel like we are in a standoff. I have backed off on the relationship (dropped the rope), and my W is unwilling to pick it up (resentful, feeling like that should be my job?, still focused on OM?, still not desiring to be in the R at all?).

I still have the lingering fear that my W will interpret my dropping the R rope as proof that I am not interested in the R (and never have been) and she should just move on.

[stillloveshim]

That is confusing....the crying, the hurt feelings for not being invited to something you didn't think she'd care to go to. Did you invite her to those things before? How do your sister and your W get along?
Maybe she wanted you to physically hold her while she cried. Maybe next time she does that, go get a tissue, sit down next to her and see if she wants a hug.
Man, that's confusing.
I was told I can invite H to do things but as my friend. I can invite him to all family activities but nothing that he would see as a date. And if I ask him to do something I need to make it clear that no matter what his answer is, I'm still going, with or without him, so no pressure on me, no pressure or hurt feelings for me.

[Thinker]

I got the impression she did not want me to hold her, or even to notice that she was crying. She was looking straight ahead, not at me, and I only noticed because I saw her quickly wiping away a tear. Sitting facing forward, her legs and feet pulled up on the couch sideways between us, but pulled in tight so they didn't touch me, leaning on the arm of the couch away from me. Her whole body language was saying "don't touch me"

My Sister and my W used to get along pretty well, but a couple of months ago there was an accident while my sister was babysitting for our kids. She put our 7-month old on a counter and didn't hold him while she turned to get something. He rolled off and cracked his head. My W and I spent the night in the hospital with him, and he is fine, but it was traumatic. My sister was extremely sorry and has apologized profusely, but my W has never forgiven her.

I'm not sure if this has anything to do with my W's current upset at the concert. I checked, and can get another ticket and asked my W if she wanted to go and she said no (again). I think it is more that I never used to go out (thought my job as a Father was to always stay home with the family) and she did fairly frequently. She and probably resented me for it and/or looked down on me as being "boring". Now I am going out, and didn't invite her along, and she feels resentful at being left at home.

Anyway, I do wish I had a better way to interpret my W's moods and silence when we are together. I really have no idea whether it is:

"I am unhappy and stressed and I wish you would be more supportive and closer to me - but I feel resentful if I have to ask or make the first move"

- or if it is -

"I am unhappy and stressed because you are close to me here and it reminds me that our R is not good and I am thinking of all of the real and perceived bad things in our R and I wish you would leave so I would not be so stressed"

- or -

"This feels so normal for us to be sitting here but I feel so guilty and unhappy with myself because I don't feel close to you and am still thinking of OM"

- or even -

"I am upset about something that has nothing to do with us, but don't feel close enough to you to tell you."

In any case, the only thing I can do is not let it impact my mood or my plans, let her know that I am there if she reaches out, and otherwise do my own thing. I can definitely say that her moods don't impact mine in anywhere near the way that they would a couple of months ago. I am no longer walking on quite the eggshells I was.

My real fear is that this is too close to the way we were in some earlier parts of our M which she now says were miserable. She was unhappy, did not directly communicate what or why, so I continued doing my own thing, and our current sitch is the result of her resentment at that building up over many years. The only real difference is that in those early years, if she did say something, I did not listen very well. Now I would at least try.