Kalni, you know that you can't "make" him take on the responsibility. You can suggest that it is a good idea, and try to encourage it. Though about the time you start to encourage it he probably sees it as nagging, and shuts off to the idea. He may well regret his choices later, but I don't know what you can do about it.
For now, I think you should wait and see what the lawyer tells him. Maybe it will help. Over here, if a parent has more physical custody, they may pay less child support. Maybe that would motivate him?
He has no money issues Jeff. He is saving money every month, more than I make as salary (he still get his bank statement here and obvioulsy doenst know it even ). He has zero expenses on housing, utilities, etc etc I would gladly give him half the CS if he would take half the reponsibility and most of all SPENT time with them... K
Hey M, How strange.. he said he isnt sure its legal?? Whats not legal? THey're his flippin kids! If a wife offers 50% custody, I dont suppose the man would turn that down (look at Rob here fighting for more time).. I guess its because of practicalities, but why does he need to see his lawyer about it !? is he going to fight you for LESS custody!? Thats got to be a first, surely.
I dont know what to say, you are angry and upset again... I said before that I felt there still hadnt been any honest communication between you and now you are pushing the D and there still hasnt been. Your C said he had things to tell you, so he must have spoken of issues/feelings to her, you met him yourself but it all went unsaid whilst he played with his coffee cup. Have you told him you feel mad and upset and like a fool? Why keep it to yourself? Tell him how you feel?
I'm sorry, I dont know what to say, I dont understand any of this anymore, human behaviour, it all seems so perverse to me! (not you, him)
Kalni I am a dinosaur here too! My H told me outright that he wished he could go 50/50 on custody but he knew he was not capable. I do think it is easier for them, they show up when they want to, do a few fun things, and go back to their jobs/interests. No washing the kids' clothes, cooking their meals, cleaning up after them....
But that is sad b/c I think one day they will wish they had these years back, once the kids are bigger and don't want them so much anymore....
I am frustrated for you that things are going this direction. I read every day I just don't have much in the way of advice. But you always always have my support....
I searched the Internet. It seems that only in my country the custody isnt joint automaticaly (unless there is a legal fight/objections). But I am sure if we decided so, it can be done. Maybe I will offer him 100% and see the kids when I can... That would serve him well... Anyway, I am not going to fight him to give him his kids. I have to get a grip and start moving back to where I was 6 months ago (mentally).
Ali, we still havent spoken honestly with each other I guess. I am dwelling on making an effort to do it on Sat but to be true, I am afraid that would cause another postponment. I think he is in NO WAY going to follow through with the D unless I push and he will use any bit of hesitation I may have still, to delay things.
What bothers me is I am STILL not 100% sure. I wonder, is anyone ever? Like deep inside or is there always a small amount of guilt and second thoughts lingering? Am I trying to feel 100% sure while that is never possible after 12 years and 2 kids together? NO idea. I just want this to be over.
Wanting it to be over and it being over are two different things though maybe? I'm not really sure why you are pushing for the D if you feel upset/sad/mad/hurt/not 100%/undecided... if it were just practical reasons (kids, money) you could come to arrangements over thst for now, as Bobbi is? As for the MC, I think you should be honest.. for the sake of the kids, at the moment, communication is very strained between the two of you (wouldnt you say?) so maybe you could be honest and take the chance to air your resentments and feelings and start to work on having a healthier R, for the sake of co-parenting with him!??
Would yuo really be able to hand over your kids 50% of the time, neverlone 100% ?? Shame about the laws there...
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I was wondering about the being absolutely sure when you decide to divorce, so I asked my mom and my sister. Both have been divorced, my sis has two under her belt (SIGH), and both told me that you know when you are completely done. IF you have any doubts, then it is not time. Now, of course, that is just their opinion, but since I could go to a source, both who had small children when they divorced, I figured I would pick their brains.
Just something to consider.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Hi Maria, I,m with Jeff on the being 100% sure. I think its normal to have doubts whilst still knowing it is what you must do -if that makes sense.
As for being, mad sad, hurt and angry, they are all normal reactions and feelings to your situation. I cannot imagine anyone being happy with a D, or pleased about it or any emotion that is the opposite of how you are now feeling.
Gosh I waited years to D and only did so for financial reasons eventually but I still had all those emotions dispite not having seen my h for years.
Many many of those who have left the board had spouses having MLC or they supposed them to be having them if we believe all the "evidence" that says they are. Very very few come out the other side and return, yes some do but they are rare. I know people still waiting after 8/10 years. Thats alot of life to have missed out on. Many more move ahead after a much shorter time. We are always told that they can catch us up if they want to. Not sure about the custody of the children? is this you trying to make a point, could you really give them up, or are you just worn down by being the only person who is responsible for them and I don't just mean the washing,ironing feeeding etc. That is the easy bit, it's the being the one to settle the squabbles the bickering etc that most chldren I know do that wears you down. Thats when you need another adult at the end of the day to lean on,otherwise you feel or can feel overwhelmed by it all and doubt your own parenting skills. I could well be as we say barking up the wrong tree here,but it was just a thought I had.
A D isn't going to happen overnight you have lots of time to re think or halt the process should you decide to but I feel that maybe you need to know it is happening and then you will feel more able to cope with your H's indifference or inability to provide even a tiny bit of what you need.You may even interact with him differently when you have this knowledge that a d is happening. We all support you whatever you do I am sure for we have not walked in your shes although many of us have made the same journey. Take care.
). He has zero expenses on housing, utilities, etc etc
