1.) Today is my one day off this week. a.) Feeling tired & blue
2.) Conflicted on how to spend the day (pattern) a.) Do I deal with serious, stressful issues that I seem to avoid during my tiring week? b.) Can I get enough energy up to do boring chores (need to do laundry)? c.) Can I get enough energy to take a walk, do some errands? d.) Do I spend money on beauty? e.) I know I need to make a ton of calls, dentist, masseuse.
3.) Feel like I'm losing hope quickly. 'Hope', lately, is like trying to hold water in my hands. It's there for a second, but it shortly drains away.
4.) I'm afraid of going to a local church because my last experience was stressful. a.) I feel that I'm forced to be with 'the community' and 'act happy and hopeful' always. They don't seem to understand why I still get sad. b.) My last church encouraged community (good), but they could not understand how I could feel more lonely in the crowd. To me, it only perpetuated the sad feelings. c.) My last church did not make me feel positive about my prayers for reconciliation with 'A', my 'H'.
5.) I seemed to have come to a stand still. I can't stand the overwhelming feelings. They paralyze me.
6.) Work seems to be easy. It's when I'm alone (which I like) that is my biggest challenge. It's something I want to overcome.
7.) My prayer life is desperate.
8.) It seems too late for me to get angry at 'A'. I did what I believed to be right and faithful in the 'D' process. Maybe God feels that I've done the right thing, but I feel like I've gotten the raw end of the deal. I know what it says in the bible, but I pray for something that will help me hold on, if God wants this to continue for eternity.
9.) I think, I'll start by taking a shower. (12:04 pm)
