Spellfire # 3 - Need a campfire here

[Bagheera]

So instead of starting in that "neutral zone" of the belly area we should go straight to above or below ?

This is all very situation dependent, but in general, if you're trying to bring your wife to an aroused state gradually via snuggling and physical touch -- that is, taking a "soft" approach -- then you initially need to keep things non-sexual and RELAXIHG for her. Relaxation is often key for a woman to become aroused: *especially* for LD women who aren't overtly sexual and for whom "hot, animal passion" is a rare thing. Here's one (of several) patterns you could try:

Touch, caress, and massage focusing primary on her back, neck, and scalp -- those natural tension spots. A foot massage is also a great way to relax her and get her enjoying your touch. I frequently give my wife a full-body massage, from scalp to toes, but even on a night when we don't have time for the 'full treatment' her back and neck are always the opening round.

From her lower back, it's a natural progression to move down to buttocks, hips, and upper thighs. A year or so ago, before we began really working on improving the level of physical touch (non-sexual and sexual) in our relationship, my wife would have reported that her buttocks were not much of an erogenous zone (they "didn't do much for her"). Now, however, they are a prime area for getting that opening, arousing 'tingle' started and growing. Only after paying proper attention to her backside do I move up her back again and around to her breasts, which by that time are generally aching for my attention --> which is exactly how you want it to be.

Just keep in mind guys, that in general, women don't / can't just "turn on" in the same way that you can. You're trying to start a campfire the old-fashioned way, and in a strained relationship, in wet weather to boot. it takes careful attention to what's going on and how she's responding to what you're doing in any particular moment, and --> time <--. Dry your tender....get a spark going....feed the small flame.....bank it and build it slowly.

Nowhere did I mentioned bellies, above. As the women here have pointed out, and my wife did to me, touch her belly and there are two things she'll be thinking: (1) He's touching my unattractive belly -- not a very arousing thought. (2) He's either going to go north or south from there, and I'm not ready for it yet. So don't go there unless she's fully aroused and ready for you to nibble her belly-button...and perhaps other spots.

Two more thoughts come to mind for this post.

First, if your LD spouse is feeling PRESSURE for sex, and doesn't trust regular non-sexual touch from you -- she always thinks you "only have one thing on your mind" and use *every* touch as a precursor to sex -- then everything I've written can easily backfire on you. While you're trying to relax her and coax her into arousal, she's getting more and more tense, knowing and dreading where you're going. Before you even head for the bedroom, she either has to have agreed ahead of time that a sexual encounter is alright with her, OR that she's at least open to the idea of letting you try to take her there. Be open and honest about your intentions from the beginning --> if you try to *sneak* her into the mood, it may very well backfire on you, either during the encounter or in the aftermath.

Second, while this "soft" approach may be necessary most of the time in the beginning of trying to repair a broken and sex-starved marriage, once the resentment barriers begin to fall and trust (particularly in the areas of touch and sex) begin to be rebuilt -- on both hers and your own part -- then other avenues to arousal will be open to you. With the right man, and in the right circumstances, women can thoroughly enjoy being "ravished" in an aggressive and passionate manner: a "hard" approach, if you will. As the man, YOU will have to take the lead, and the risk, in learning what approach works best *for the both of you* and at what times. And yep, you'll screw up from time to time, I know I do, but that's all part of the process, and you learn from it and move on.

-- B.