Here is the 3+ page letter in its entirety at Gucci's request. All the spelling, grammar and punctuation is his! Feel free to skip it if the highlights were enough for you.
Let me start out by saying I love you and think you are the love of my life and don't want to lose you.
I've been a complete ass over the last couple of months and want to do everything I can do to make it up to you. I have lied to you and promise to never do it again. Sometimes I have purposely lied to you and other times, I think I have been lying to myself to try to come up with reasons why I thought our relationship wasn't working. The following is the truth about what I have been feeling/thinking/going through and in now way is it an excuse or good reason for what I have done - it is just what I have been feeling - neither right or wrong, but I need to tell you and you deserve to know.
Sex life (and history) - I think this is something I've been open with lately and communicating the hurt it has caused so I won’t go into detail again. But I think it helps explain why I couldn't talk to you about my feelings (issues). I thought that if I talked about critical issues in our relationship, it might cause you to doubt things and leave me. I think it started back when we were talking about our sex life and you said "if you don't like it, leave." As I said, I loved you too much and was afraid to lose you, so I didn't bring up the issue anymore. There would be times while we were living in AK that you would say "I'll just pack up Buttercup [car] and Weatherby [cat] and I will drive back down to Seattle." I never quite knew how serious you were. I guess this made me hesitant to bring up serious matters. I guess I didn't want to rock the boat.
Job: Another thing that was bothering me is the job thing, but I think we've talked about it. I'm not sure why it exactly bothered me. It probably because of three things: 1)it would help you establish a life of your own - different friends and experiences and hopefully you would enjoy yourself more here in Denver 2)I felt mad that I had to work a lot of hours and go through a lot of stress to support our lifestyle and build a retirement for us and you seemed to be just sitting back and enjoying it (I know this isn't necessarily the case, but it is just the way I felt sometimes) and 3)I just felt uncomfortable when everyone asked me how your job search was going and when you are going to get a job and such. I know it was not their concern, but maybe it was the same reason it bothers me - why is a smart childless young adult just sitting home? It seems kind of odd now as I write this, but it did bother me.
I think this leads into why we haven't had much to talk about - I'm not that much of a talker, but I know I've been better in the past and need to be better about communicating about everyday things now. I think part of it was my [accounting software project] job. I've been in so many stupid meetings that I think were such a waste of time I just didn't want to talk about it and at the same time under a lot of stress to get things done. I've missed having our work to talk about, you always seemed to have better stories or more interesting things going on (and was better at communicating it) than I did. Like I said, I need to work on it, but I think it will also help now that I'm moving to a new project. If you haven't heard, I'm going to be one of the project managers to centralize Accounting/AP/Payroll/Purchasing/Tax into Denver. I think this is going to be a lot more interesting than working on the Oracle project and will be more excited to share.
As I'm reading what I writing, I don't know why I reacted so poorly lately....
And to the more difficult subject to write about, but you deserve to know everything:
You asked once - "Why her?" Here is how it started. A couple of times during the summer (two that I can remember) I would go out to happy hour and she would be there also. Most people go home after a couple drinks, but we stayed and talked. Mostly about her dating life or just random chit chat. It was never anything flirtatious or anything, just having a good time over beers. And I felt comfortable talking with her. That is how we started becoming friends. then we had the rafting trip - you went to bed early the first night and I stayed up late and partied with the rest of the group, we just had fun playing Jenga and drinking, again nothing serious, just becoming closer friends. Anyway, halfway through the bowling season, she started hanging out with guys for drinks afterwards and then we starting talking more at the same time, this is when I wondering what was going on with me and you. So, thinking I needed a third party to talk to, I was talking to her a lot more about us or at other times, just someone to go have a beer with, have fun, and try to take my mind off of things. We starting going out for beers more then we should have and starting texting and you know where that ended up.
Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, the night at the bar after you left, J and J [female former coworkers] gave me an earful of "You guys are so different - I can't believe your together, etc..." This clouded my thinking the following weeks and reinforced what I thought was a problem. (hence the one point I focused on in the book [Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay]) Looking back, I should never have listened to what they were saying - all they could comment on was what they saw at a distance, they have know way of knowing what we really have in common. Also, I think they were a bit mad at you ever since the trip to AK. I think you commented to them that they were my friends, not yours or something like that. So, I think that also made them a bit jaded.
After Thanksgiving, at one point I told OW I could not communicate or see her again, and I was holding firm to it. But you were still going out with friends without saying anything and then on a Sunday you went out to watch football without inviting me - I felt like you moved on (stupid thought, but what I felt at the moment). That is the day I first went to [bar B] because I didn't think you wanted me to go to [sports bar C]. I went by myself and intended to be by myself the whole time. But after awhile I was stupid and texted OW to see if she wanted to stop by for a bit. She did, but only for about a half hour. This is how we started hanging out again.
Short of unrelated, but I've think I've always missed having someone else to go have a couple of beers with since S [best friend] got married and moved away - just a good friend to chat with. I think E and R filled this roll for awhile in AK, but I never found this person in CO until I started hanging out with OW - obviously not a good choice - woman and single, but that is what happen.
I think this helps explain a lot of what I've been feeling and I think you need to know. This whole thing started from me not wanting to talk, just making up my mind that it was broke and there was no way to fix it. That is how I approached the conversations - it is too late and the only answer is "it is not working."
Yes, I cheated on you and there is nothing I can do about it now except promise it will never happen again and do everything in my power to help you trust me again.
I also need you to know you are my best friend. No one else knows me like you do and enjoys all the things we do such as:
Walks through the Garden District Buying Zeus his first earring Reading the paper on the patio on Sunday mornings Dancing at the Grand Hotel Breakfast at Pete's Watching Baby dance on every hotel bed she gets a chance to Belly Bopping Watching Football on Sundays Trying new restaurants Just watching you as you sleep in the car next to me Watching men throw heavy things Old houses Open Houses Scottish Breakfast These are just a few of the things, there are many more.
I know I said we have nothing in common, but obviously I was wrong. I think we have so many things we enjoy together and could have many more in the future. To use your words, “we will always find something new to enjoy together” – or something like that If you truly feel that I’m not your best friend (excluding recent experiences) then you are going in the right direction and I will live with that and wish you the best and hope you have a happy life.
This experience has taught me that I can’t keep things to myself and bottled up. I need to share and communicate to have a truly successful relationship. I am committed to tell you everything I am feeling even though it may cause issues, but I now Know it needs to be done.
I love you! I am truly sorry for the hurt I have caused will do anything to help you trust me once again. After eight years, I think it deserves the effort to see if we can work things out (I know – I didn’t listen to this before, but you were right!) I would very much like to go to counseling again and get the help we need. I think we need honest open dialogue (meaning me) and I think [Marriage Counselor] would help with that. I don’t want to end it like this and even if you do feel the need to move on after counseling – it can only help give you better piece of mind. I am committed to do everything in my power to make this up to you. I am asking for the chance I wouldn’t give you two months ago and can only hope you are the better person and is willing to give it.
I love you and don’t want to lose you or the life we have built.
If you truly feel that I’m not your best friend (excluding recent experiences) then you are going in the right direction and I will live with that and wish you the best and hope you have a happy life.