Hi John, glad to see your post, have you updated your thread at all?
"If I move on with my life, she'll rationalize that it was me who left." I feel this way too and this is what my two best friends keep saying is what he wants. It certainly looks that way, but I am finding it hard to believe it is that black and white. I am sure they have misgivings also. They probably realize if they leave they are giving up something that they know they should appreciate and want, but for whatever reasons, can't. Us leaving/filing takes it out of their hands. I know I would feel a lot better of my H just said he was done and he was the one filing. Then it would be out of my hands and there wouldn't be anything I could do. Right now, I have ALL of the control over a situation I don't want to have control over because I don't want to end it. Ugh.
Not only that, I feel in telling my H that I could not live the way we were and felt we needed to separate (not my choice - told him THAT about 5 times), that it pushed him away. Yet, if I tried to pursue him at all, it pushed him away as well. I told him I was in a lose-lose situation. I feel backed into a corner, with no options other than to call it quits.
Now, here's the really hard part. We've still had some contact lately, mostly kid and house stuff. Sometimes it is awkward as hell and sometimes it is really comfortable and easygoing between us. I can't help but let the "comfortable times" get me feeling like there's a chance. It is like I really need to have no contact with this man because I fall into the comfort zone IMMEDIATELY with him. I am trying to get myself to the point of simply believing the "comfortable times" are just the remnants of the old relationship dying out or the remaining friendship. But it is hard. Something you've fought so hard for and for so long, it is really hard to just let it go. Kind of like when you've nursed a family member dying slowly of cancer. After they pass, you still feel the need to do something and there is nothing left to do. That's how I feel. I don't know how to not fight for my marriage. When I feel myself detaching from him, you think I would be relieved because I feel less pain, but I actually dislike the detached feeling just as much.
Is it possible to have SOME contact and still be letting go? I really hate to end all contact with him because I know then we have no chance. I just don't know how to protect myself from getting hurt. I don't think I can. I am too vulnerable because I love him too much.
