25yearsmlc??? Are you there?

[saffie]

I'd love to chat about piecing sometime. Like how you stopped yourself from going back in time now and then. I mean, when I see something that reminds me of his past behavior, I get very uncomfortable. H says I seem "too ready to bolt"...probably true. Feeling at moments, like I must protect myself. I stare at anything that looks like deception

This has been a really hard area for me. I came to these boards post reconciliation , but reeling still a year on from the feelings I had inside. I just couldn't trust my H and I was still heavily medicated due to panic attacks etc. I also had been ready to bolt on many an occasion.

My therapist got me to start looking forwards rather than backwards. To always have something to look forward to, however small. My H also speaks to me a lot about what we are going to do in years to come in retirement, and that really helps. It's like he is sure we will still be together.....that was something that had gone missing for a while when things were bad.

I have found that the mentallity you need for piecing is one that you have to keep forever. I am constantly trying to take my H into account more. I do grieve the loss of 'innocence' in our M.....the lack of it being able to flow naturally without having to think about it - but perhaps that was why things went wrong in the first place, because I didn't attend to the needs of the M enough before?

I honestly think you and your H will adapt to one another again. It may take a bit of tweaking here and there but it can happen. You don't have to do the same things together all the time. My H hates my horses and so he does other stuff with some of the kids whilst I take the horsey ones with me and we arrange to meet up later and do stuff together. We also have date nights which we stick to pretty religiously and we meet up for lunch once a month etc. We make 'us' time.

I think though that my H is probably not as head strong as yours from the sound of your post.

Things in the garden aren't always rosy. For example, my H is working extra late this week and that makes me very uncomfortable as that's what he would do when he was having his A. But now I tell him that it is making me uneasy and so he talks with me about what is going on etc. It does help.