WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 4

[confusedinpa]

Don't worry so much about the "right" words to say, focus instead on feeling her pain. Try to imagine what it might be like to feel unable to, or afraid to let go of the pain. Perhaps you have felt something similar in your life. In your previous thread you said:

From what my therapist has been working with me, in my life, everytime something good happens, it had always followed by a steep negative. That's been the story of my life since elementary school. Because of that, my therapist thinks I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop so I'm afraid to really enjoy the moment.

I actually shared that with my wife yesterday. We talked about how shortly after we were married how she had been diagnosed with brain lessions. We went through about 6-9 months of testing and CAT scans, etc. Fortunately, it came up as non-issue. She said that she can see how going through that it caused me to be scared of losing her. I did agree with her as I was. I then went into how shortly after that we decided to start our family. I told her it was something that I knew we both wanted but I was scared. I was scared since my father left when I was only 1 month old, that I never knew what being a good father was suppose to be so I was scared. I see now that was a fear I know I should have shared with her. Part of my therapy/growing has made me realize that fear isn't weakness, but sharing and addressing the fear is a strength. Hiding the fear is not a healthy approach.

Part of me is thinking that what's been missing in our marriage is the emotional connection where I've been vulnerable to her with sharing my feelings. I'm torn whether to do that now, as most of my current feelings are related to what is going on with our relationship. So I know I shouldn't go there. Perhaps I'll just share the emotions I had during our marriage that I didn't. Or will the 2x4's come out to tell me to stop trying to share my emotions as the goal is to get her to share hers?

I'm thinking about sharing mine as a way to get her to share hers....

OK - please don't smack me too hard....

I agree with AnotherNightmare. If you are feeling frustrated with your wife for not letting go of the pain, your frustration will come through to her no matter what you say. Conversely, if you can genuinely feel compassion for her pain, your caring will come through to her even if your words are clumsy.

My wife has commented about how she wonders if my sudden "changes" are just a desperate act to get her to stop the divorce. I know it's only been 8 weeks (actually 6 weeks for my 180), but she feels it's so sudden, that it can't be real. I'm sure its because she senses my frustration so it seems to conflict with what I'm trying to do with my 180.