Seperated and Not Talking

[Can it work]

Hi there Uncool Cat. Sorry to see you here on these boards. It's not a good situation we all find ourseselves in which causes us to come here. It's a fantastic place to come for support and advice though and no doubt you will be getting plenty of it.

I'm in a very similar situation to you right now. My wife told me all the things that yours told you. We separated on January 5th. The main difference here is that because it was her who was wanting the split, I refused to move out. In your case is there a particular financial situation which means you wouldn't be able to keep the house on yourself? You shouldn't be a doormat for her. You obviously still love her and want her back or you wouldn't be here. You have to stand up to her though and don't let her call all the shots. Women are attracted to a strong man and if you give her everything she wants, she may indeed be grateful but she won't respect you for it. It's time for you to work on yourself by getting a life and showing her that you're ok without her. That doesn't need to be true but you still have to act 'as if'.

Also, why are you only seeing your kids one evening a week? I have a baby boy and there's no way I could settle for such little contact. Again, I had to make my wife see that I needed as much time as I possibly could with him. I'm always going to be his Dad no matter what my wife wants to do about our marriage. I now have him 12 days out of every month. I'd have more but I work full time and it just wouldn't be practical.

Trust me, the feeling of hopelessness does get easier but you have to learn to start respecting yourself and do what's good for you. Right now it may seem as though that if you rock the boat you'll make things worse but the opposite is true. Don't give her everything she wants, it's only enabling her to do exactly what she wants in this situation. The last thing you want to do is make it easier for her.

Finally, STOP DOING ALL HER HOUSEWORK WHEN SHE'S OUT!! If you don't live there, it's not up to you to keep the house tidy. Let her do it herself. You said you made some initial mistakes but it sounds to me as though you're still making quite a few.

I don't mean this response to sound harsh and honestly I want you to succeed in this as I want to succeed in it myself. In your time on these boards you will get some serious criticism but it's all meant in the best way.

Good luck and keep smiling.

Kev