Wife is out and annouced OM to all #2

[25yearsmlc]

Hi MC,

I've been lurking on your posts, waiting for more news I suppose. But rather than waiting any longer, I wanted to tell you what a good dad you are. It's crucial that we women read these stories, and that you know that WE know you are a good guy. I don't know your former story or significantly older posts. But what I've read here is pretty calm and impressive. Your faith is inspiring and your clarity helps me a lot. I have some questions for you.

Given that I only know the recent past, my opinion is of limited use. But it's a little different than what you might think. And it raises a big flag issue for me. The role of the LBSer's residual anger in the failure of M's. Don't take this the wrong way. I'm asking you b/c you're so honest.

From what the texts said, she seemed to be fishing to me. She isn't taking the real risk of going out and saying she wants to reconcile, b/c she's too cowardly and confused ?? OR just wants to know you are "in waiting". I feel strongly that she IS doing that AT LEAST...

So, one has to ask why. She's Not in love with OM. No one "In love" with OP talks about the 5 year plan or the "someday when I'm not screwed up will you love me then?" kind of thing. It's like she wants a 3 year break so she can be single without long term consequences. Except she is feeling those consequences...

As annoying as that is, she also confessed some things that don't make sense as lies. I mean, OM"s Mother telling her she's not being a good mom for giving up custody...OUCH OUCH!!! That would hurt ANY woman. It surely hurt your wife, and of all the things she said that you may doubt, I would not doubt that. Someone said this to her. It's too painful to make up, let alone confess to you, of all people, so painful enough to hear, and then repeat...no, she would not make it up.

If the mother of OM told her that... I can see how that would trigger some self examination. If not that, then what? That R Isn't going so well I guess...

Back to you. I offer the following thoughts, not all consistent. I am struck by the love between and for you both, in the tone and content of what you tell each other.

There is friendship and real concern about the other.
But regardless, If she were fully ready and willing to bravely ask for reconciliation, she'd come out and say, "I want back in. What's it gonna take?" And she'd do it, or try damn hard. If she wondered about it but was afraid, then what is it you think she fears?

I don't know your past behavior, or what she might worry about. I doubt it's your temper, but is it? Your suspicions & retaliation? Or is it all her shame? Shame is a drag.

Remorse leads to insight and conscience, and can trigger real change. But shame can just get the person into self destructive behaviors, often making it worse, or they turn it around/outward, and lash out in anger cuz it's just TOO uncomfortable and painful to experience. Better to blame someone else.

But I didn't get that from her at all. She seems to be owning it, and she told you "you didn't give up. I did'" and why say that if it isn't real? Yes I know and agree about the other self serving comments --- but that is NOT self serving. It's confessional.

Her actions are not all consistent with her texts. Her bringing a beer over and wanting to have R talk, missing numerous chances to be with the kids but saying she wants more time, calling after the fact... Struck me as odd and sad. A lot of what she said struck me that way.

Fwiw I didn't think you were "too nice" in the texts, under the circumstances---which means, you said what was on your heart and wanted her to know that in fact you are open to a reconciliation and there isn't a way to say that without love in your words. Somehow she has to think it IS possible, achievable and desireable. From my end, I thought you made it sound fairly remote. Like she'd have some mountains to climb. Many on this board think that's the thing to do but I feel as if the time for that is when they're brave and feel strong so they don't get scared off. She isn't there. But heck, I am not certain in these things...

Fwiw, your analysis about what it would take for a reconciliation, and the lines you'd have to draw for yourself and how you would have to watch yourself so that you won't become too controlling or punitive, was amazingly insightful and honest. Well done. You're one of the first LBSers to say it that way. You hit the nail on the head. I think we (LBSers) all have to wonder what we'd need to reconcile happily -- and then we have to ask ourselves if our spouses, or any spouses, can possibly achieve that.

Or, are we setting them up for failure? Consciously? If so, why?

I know recon can't be too easy or fast or it won't work, obviously. But Is it that we are so afraid of being hurt again, or so angry, that we don't want it to be easy at all, and thereby make it almost impossible? And if so, why?

MC, Don't get me wrong, I'm just exploring with you b/c you are so articulate and honest about the downfalls of the "not so forgiving" LBSer in reconciliation.

WE all know WASs who really do not want to do the work needed, or don't "get it", don't want to, can't handle the enormity of what they've done...that happens commonly. But what about the LBSer who attaches so many conditions...the M fails?

My bil (WAH/OW) wants to come back, but he can't/won't. Says he would love to be back with his family and would do anything to turn the clock back. He loves his w and deeply regrets the A, seems profoundly sad about his behavior and feels remorse and shame, etc ( I do personally think he's ready to reconcile with his wife and make it work, etc.)

But in his heart and opinion, he believes in the long run, SHE will make his life miserable. He Says he deserves it, understands it, and could take if for awhile...but that in the end, some months or years down the road, he'd have to leave b/c he feels she won't let it go, ever...and he can't have the kids witness that...and I'm sorry to say he's right. In their case, in their sitch, he IS ready and willing, but she isn't. How ironic.

So MC, how do you, as an honest man with a good heart, know what you can/should handle? Do you have any specifics about what it would take for you to stay M, and how long? Have you told her?

I am not saying anything you've done is incorrect nor am I suggesting you do anything. I admire your course of action and tone, and feel you've taken the high road. I'm asking for other reasons. How do you know you won't be the problem? Make sense?

(( j ))