I know you've been on this board for a while and I'm missed a lot of your situation, so please forgive me if I ask questions that you've already hashed through.
A couple of images and ideas in your post hit home:
"The hip-high pile of books" - Does he ever read them? I'm assuming he doesn't if he isn't willing to go to C. That must make it hard. I know that my H is willing to read, but I think that it's not a "fun" endeavor for him. He works a lot, so he just wants to flop in front of the TV and eat tortilla chips and hummus when he gets home. I know that it takes a lot for him to keep his brain going even longer in the day. Anyway, the way you wrote it, it sounds like you're doing most (if not all) of the work. I hope my H doesn't get lazy, but we all know we can't control what they decide to do.
The notion of him hiding from fear and not being able to get in there. Isn't that frustrating... Because my H was so closed off, I imagined there must have been horrendous events in his past. There *might* be, but I have a hunch to doubt it. My intuition (along with all that I've been reading) tells me it's just good old-fashioned toxic shame and issues with self worth. Though he's started reading, I don't think he's gotten down to the root of it. If he had a true awakening, I would think that he would experience some pain and need to emote. Or, maybe that's just how I operate. I'm thankful that he's accepting of my quest and that he's willing to talk about it. We'll see how deep he goes into himself. I hope I hope I hope I hope I hope Oh God I hope. Even if his full awakening meant that he realizes that he doesn't want to be with me anymore, it would be a better fate for our family because he'd be able to be a happier, alive, real, connected father to our son (who then, would presumably become a greater man himself).
It sounds like your H has set his boundary with you: pushing intimacy=divorce. Is he bluffing or for real? Do you think he would be in pain if you walked over it? Do you think it would force him to love you more? Is walking too hard to even think about?
The last thought that makes me weepy... I also thought all these years that he would finally understand when I die. Us sex-starved people deserve a moment of a pity party, indeed. I don't care what hardass comes along and tells us to buck up and get over it and just take care of ourselves. To think that we have sat and systematically tried every rung of "what ifs," and couldn't see resolution until we reached the "ultimate end" as the "maybe then..."
And, you know what, even then they wouldn't understand. Not because they're dopes, but just because they are not us. No one can ever know exactly and specifically what it feels like to be another. That is why we have to learn to love ourselves and be happy "alone" in as many moments possible.
Here I sit. The furnace is kicking on, a car just drove by. I'm warm, I had a nice dinner, and I feel strong and healthy. My baby is sleeping like a lamb. I'm happy in this very simple moment.
OK. Not much of that was productive for you, but I felt compelled to connect with you. I hope a miracle (lightening, a visit from a spirit, winning the lottery, a good schmear of testosterone, whatever) happens to bring your H his spiritual awakening. I wish that every person had the blessing of waking up in their life, or re-awakening, or whatever it is. I don't think it's ever too late.
All my best, Lucky
P.S. Every time I read your posts, I notice that you lost your daughter. Experiencing the death of a child must be worse than any anguish in the world. I'm sure you lost something of yourself, too. I'm so, so sorry.
