I don't want to sound contrite but my wife left, father had a severe stroke; on life support until November, grandfather passed, business partner decided to move on, my b-day, W's b-day and our anniversary all occurred over the course of the holiday season into the New Year. So if I don't have PMA then it doesn't exist. But like you said Punkt, and it was very appropriate, on the name change to Still Living as opposed to Living. And no, these things have not killed me but it has definitely been rough for me lately. I will survive.

I spoke to my W after the comment from Still and the conversation went ok. We talked for over an hour, and to my surprise there was no baiting. The conversation went so long I had to let her go because I was late to work. I can say it felt good to talk but it just feels and seems meaningless. I feel as though I'm getting better at not giving her ammo. I woke up a few days ago crying, but it was a different cry. It was not for our M, it was just me feeling like I just could not do this anymore. Of course I can forgive, but can I let my W get close to me again, enough to trust. No pun intended but something is definitely wrong with our sitch. My W has left me so many times, maybe 5-6; this time being the longest and most severe. So instinctively, I was doing some of the things in DR without knowledge, just because of being here so much I was just tired of being tired. But hey, the next day I'm re-reading her txt messages from months past like I was gonna find a hidden gem, the answer to all my woes or a greater insight that would give me the answer to get her back. Same old messages. I think I am starting to see how important DR is in making ME better for ME in the long run. Maybe that's PMA.

My W, to my surprise has been calling a lot, well maybe not a lot but it seems like a lot. Well I have not seen her physically in maybe 4-5 months. A week ago my brother called and said he would be in town to see our father and to expect him in late morning or early afternoon. So later that week, I was awakened by the door bell and then banging on the door. And without pause, went and started unlocking the door while looking through the peep hole, and low and behold it was not my brother but my W. I let her in, and it was good seeing her, but it was really awkward, sort of like a first date. We went to the living room and sat across the room from each other and pretty much just played catch up, coupled with some lite flirting. This lasted maybe an hour and sure enough she was looking for conflict at times, but I gave her no energy. Upon leaving, she said "Next time you should cook something" so I said yeah ok. Then not even 2 minutes later she says "Oh, you did not have to change the locks, you could have saved your money and got your keys back. I told you I was not gonna come back over here" And that almost did it, but I held my composure. When she finally left, I just smiled because now I can see her wanting and looking for that conflict and I did not give it. It felt so good I couldn't go back to sleep. It also hurt because this was the day after our anniversary.