I've just read through your sitch. I'd like to offer something I realized in mine. Puppy asked why you're afraid of your wife and you replied because you don't want to push her away, etc.
I think the common theme in those points is fear. Fear of losing her, fear of life alone, fear of the unknown. I realized that I was letting fear (those and others) run my life. When I decided I was not going to do that anymore is when I was able to really look at my R and analyze is for what it truly is, something like Lucky suggested doing.
It's not easy, believe me I know this. But mull it over and see if that makes sense for you. If you can let go of the fear it is so much easier to do all the other DB things: detaching, focusing on yourself, letting your W work on her own issues because you understand you cannot do it for her.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
