I agree. Since it came on the phone bill, you have nothing to hide.
Confront her with the evidence of the A.
To paraphrases some advice that Puppy (and others) gave me a while ago, when you confront her, make sure that you:
- Stay strong and rational - Realize that if you demand that she stops the A, she will not. - Know what your boundaries are: what are you willing to accept and what are you going to request of her.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
. . . and if it takes you a day or two (or three) to sort out what those things are, then fine -- you DON'T have to do this today. But don't put it off any longer than 2-3 days, or it will eat at you.
I started to write an answer, and the more I wrote the dumber it sounded.
Because I am. Because I don't want to push her even farther away. Because I don't want to be "needy" and "clingy." Because I don't want to look weak and have her see how deeply, deeply, deeply this hurts (the worst part is that she signs her text messages to OM the same way she signed every card she ever gave me from our first anniversary card 17 years ago).
So resolve to suck less. Come up with a plan, and 'nad up and put it into action.
btw, your answer makes no sense. In fearing her and NOT standing up to her, you are looking needy, clingy and weak.
Food for thought. I'm sorry for the 2x4, but life is short and I'm in a grumpy mood today and so I didn't feel like pussyfootin' around. Someday you'll thank me.
the worst part is that she signs her text messages to OM the same way she signed every card she ever gave me from our first anniversary card 17 years ago.
Believe me, I know that hurts. I've been there (very recently), as have half of the people on this forum.
We all had to learn (and keep learning) the following lesson: focus elsewhere, do things for yourself, work on making yourself a better, happier person, and it all starts to suck less. The less it sucks, the more you focus on yourself. The more you focus on yourself, the more you S focuses on you, and the less things suck.
Unfortunately, the spiral works the other way too if you keep focusing on your S.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I've had the scene play out in my head 100 times today. The first screening was bad -- rage, rage. By the 100th, I was the model of cool.
But the funny thing was in every version of that program, she did the same thing: "I'm going to do what I want to do."
So what's the purpose? To let her know I'm pissed? She's just going to say, "I am too." Okay -- not DBing. Acting out of emotion instead of the 180? That's what got me into this in the first place.
And let's face it -- my knowing and disapproving will just make it more exciting. That's what they live for.
But I gotta tell ya, what burns me more than anything -- what hurts me more than the hurt itself -- is the fact that she's bringing it into my childrens' home. When she's up there texting away, she's bringing a stranger into their safe place. And the mouth she uses on him, she kisses them goodnight with.
And that freaking BURNS ME UP. But that is not the place to start from. I'll just have to let it burn and own it.
I've been thinking... You're in crisis mode right now, so most of your posts are written from a stance of what you're doing to navigate this awful time.
Are you able to take a moment to think about what YOU want? If it is your wife, can you articulate what it is about her that makes you want HER?
My point is... Sometimes on this journey, we discover that we've been focused on being loved and having someone "complete" us. And we discover that we have so much to mend within ourselves because no one is responsible to make you whole or happy but you.
For some reason, your wife feels justified in taking this new path (the wrong path, most of us would say). From your seat (and, frankly, from mine), it is horrible, brutal, cruel. She doesn't see that she is horrible, brutal, cruel. She's gone through many, many steps of convincing herself why it's OK. The number one green light for her was likely your refusal to participate in counseling.
If you truly love THIS ONE WOMAN, it is never too late, no matter how far down the path she goes. I truly believe that.
So, for now, can you please validate your love for her? Why, exactly, is she THE ONE. This will help you and all of us fuel up to root for you in your quest to win her back, despite the injustice that you are suffering.
And then, Dr. H, can you please validate why you are THE ONE for her? That will, I hope, give you a minute of feeling worthy, and it just might uncover obstacles having to do with your self.
You don't have to do these things if you're not in the mood. I'm just hoping you'll take a minute away from your (JUSTIFIED) rage so you can draw a picture of your perceptions right now.
Please hang in there. I cannot imagine your pain right now. My heart goes out to you.
DrH...I'm going to have to put up something from your first post for clarification....you said: "The awful irony of it is that, because I exploded one day with my kids, I started individual therapy in December and went on some medication that has really had an amazing effect not in terms of changing my moods or anything, but in allowing me to think clearly -- perhaps for the first time in life."
You exploded one day with your kids? Can you explain this?
I do think your W is having a full on affair and I do think she is trying to flee the marriage as fast as possible to continue it. However, if you literally exploded on your own kids, then well, I mean, for me that would be the end and I don't think I would ever get over it.
