PM Thread #4

[PositivelyMommy]

Karen, I can't believe it! I am a stay at home Mom also and OW is a workaholic lawyer as well!

Although, I worked before the kids came along, I was never a workaholic. I love my balanced lifestyle. Now I have 4 part-time jobs and still get to spend time with my kids because I am careful to pick jobs that give me maximum flexibility.

But I think it all goes back to what others say about it's how the OW makes H feels that is what is attractive. Our H's fell in love with the feeling, not the person, I think. The rush is the aphrodisiac. The person can remain unchanged but once the rush is gone, then they find themselves out of love. It's not a mature way to look at a relationship but I don't think our H's are thinking right at the moment. There are some H's that are serial cheaters and are constantly seeking the rush, going from one OW to another. These OW have not changed! They come in all shapes and sizes. But the H's are addicted to the high.

I really believe that looks, personality, work ethic, all of that is secondary to the 'feel' of the new R. Yes, men are very visual creatures but our H's didn't fall in love with beautiful, gorgeous women. They fell in love with how OW made them feel. I think if we concentrate on that then we have got something.

So if you want to play the game to win back H, I would concentrate on making H feel good about himself (eventhough he has done many horrible things to you and is not worthy of your trust and love just yet). Not be dishonest with yourself or throw all your self-respect aside. But more with a compassionate heart for his problems and your M issues. Just because we are wives, we don't have to act like wives. We should be acting like mistresses to lure them back (if that is what we want).

If your goal is to be vindicated, then alienate him, make him run into OW's arms so he gets his highs and feels good about himself because he knows he has screwed up and is feeling guilty to begin with. Rubbing his face into his mess will only drive you further apart. I know at first I couldn't get over the feeling of hurt and there were moments that I really wanted to hurt him back. And I had to ask myself some very difficult questions. What kind of person am I? Am I a hypocrite? Would I sink to his level and hurt the one that I proclaim to love forever? I had to really look hard and make decisions to not hurt anyone, to preserve my dignity and let karma and God take care of the rest.

It is up to all of us to make this choice, whichever one feels more right to each person. I don't think there is a right or a wrong in this matter. It's more of a question of whether you think your M is salvagable or not.