Rzrbkfan, when you were describing how your wife had made do with you being emotionally absent from the M for a while but then needed more, and that is why she turned to another man.....it brought up to mind my own stitch. Only with me, I needed much more from my H in the beginning of our M. I was so young and wanted us to be so intimate with each other (besides just the physical part), but he just couldn't seem to do it. So, to try to hide the hurt and go on the best I could, I would get involved with as many "projects" as I could. After my health begin giving me problems and I couldn't do all those projects anymore to stay busy, then I became so lonely and felt so sad and removed from any R. Anyway, that is when I begin to shut down emotionally from the MR and then got involved in an EA. Then......(are you listening to this? THEN......my H is suddenly interested or concerned about our R. Or....maybe he isn't but doesn't want me to have anyone else. Ironic, isn't it? Why two people can't seem to get on the same page at the same time. Maybe it is just the difference in the make-up of men and women. Maybe it takes the "shock" of actually knowing that a man could lose his wife to another person! I don't know, but it is a very common story her on the DB board. So sad.
Anyway, I wanted to tell you that the EA will wear out and if the OM does something to tick her off......that will be even better than her having to grieve over the break-up from him. Some men can deal with that and some can't. It is risky b/c some EA's do turn into a PA and especially if he is there locally. My heart goes out to you. I know you are in pain and I wished I knew more to say to help. Just keep following the DB principles b/c I believe in them. It is and will be THE hardest thing you've ever done, but if you draw her back to you, then it will all be worth it. It has taken a very long time for my feelings to start returning toward my H b/c my stitch was a bit different (and it's a very long story). But the good news is that when she does finally get the "want to" back, and she starts putting forth a little effort, then things will start showing more positive patterns. However, for quite some time to come, I'm afraid, you will probably have to carry the biggest portion of this load of "work" b/c I don't thik she has really reached the point of being willing...."to be willing" (if you know what I mean). She is just there and I think maybe still trying to "play the game" with you and the C about the OM and the EA being over. That is why I wished he would do something to really disgust her or make her mad as h@ll, so she could forget him and get back to the business of being a wife and mother.
Talk to you later, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We had a looong R talk today, I know against the rules, but it happened. We talked about everything and although she still maintains there is nothing physical and emotional part is over, she realizes it was wrong and that it is not affecting how things are between us. She is still really mad that I let her parents in on the EA and she is now also mad that I had brought up the internet at work and getting OM suspended. She said she was starting to get over everything until I did that. We had a lot of ups and downs, but ended well I think. We hugged for a while but it wasn't a real big squeeze from her She did say that she is going to go through with all 6 sessions and would try to try. Also told me that she didn't think she was strong enough to ever D and so I had nothing to worry about. My thoughts to that are that maybe not, but being the way we are now, SUCKS!
She told me that she wanted me to be around more with the family, but didn't say she was going to act any different. I doubt she will. I guess one of the main problems is with me. I want this so bad and my feelings get hurt when she is not necessarily mean, but just absent. This causes me to be down and gets her pissed and then its a downward spiral. I am starting IC on Friday and it couldn't come soon enough because I need help with learning how to deal with all of this and all of the emotions that come along with it.
Also, during the talk I said that to me forgiving is forgiving and letting it go. She said to me that I told her that I forgave her for OM but now I am bringing it up all of the time and acting mad. I told her that I will have ups and downs about it and that right now I was mad at him and her, but I was working on it and I wanted to forgive (per my definition) but that it was going to take time. I asked her that I hoped she could forgive me as well in time.
I keep jumping back and forth, so sorry about this. After she told me that she it was ok for me to be around more, I told her that I didn't think it was a good idea because of how everything was affecting me and that I needed to give her and me space to figure out what we wanted. I told her that I wanted her but that it was getting harder each and every day. She said that she understood, because that is exactly how she felt for some time. We set up a schedule of when I would be coming over to be with the kids and not right now, but sometime we would start scheduling time for each other to be together.
I don't really feel any better after today, but I guess things could be worse. I just need to start GAL and quit dwelling on everything. I took ambien that last two nights and I slept all night both nights in a row for the first time in who knows when. I also have been running 2.5 miles per day every day this week since Sunday and have continued my diet.
One last thing I saw yesterday a list of things on her bedside table that I am now using as a playbook. It was a list of things she needed to improve, each of the kids, and me. So now at least I know what she is thinking and I can start looking to improve in each of those areas (most of which I already knew and have already started doing) Lastly, she told me today that she recognizes all of the changes that I am trying to do, but that my actions are not always in tune with my words. I really have to work on that. Hopefully, IC will help.
one more thing, I just googled my username and it showed up being here. Not that this would ever happen, but I don't want her stumbling on this site and reading everything I have written. So as soon as approved, I will be lonelyrzr since the current name is pretty revealing to me. Sounds dumb but I am a BIG fan.
Congrats on the small victory lonelyrzr - even though things are far from fixed, it must be reassuring to know your W is willing to work on things. Make sure you keep working on yourself, because she may go back and forth on trying and wanting things to work, and the more consistent you can be, the more it will keep an even keel if she starts rocking the boat (I love a good metaphor).
I'm always so happy when I read a success story of someone I've been following, it gives me hope that my sitch still has a chance.
Im not so sure of any success yet. She is still really confused, down and not sure she can get past things. But she is willing to go to the sessions and see after six if things have changed and then reevaluate things. But I guess you could look at it as some type of success. I just have to learn how to manage my anger and emotions and consistency!
I definitely know what you mean about reading the success stories and hoping that it can be me someday.
Rzrbkfan, I think it is a wonderful sign that your wife is doing the best she can at this time.....if what she said to you is the truth......and if she has put OM out of her life. If she hasn't, then she will find out that she can't stradle the fense and she can't play you or anyone else b/c it will finally come out. However, accordingly to what you have said about her in the last few posts, it sounds so much like me when I was trying to let go of my OM and talk about the MR to me H. Like you, he still had some anger and I told him that I did not want to discuss anything about the OM and I did not want to dread thinkig that he (my H) would be bring up OM and all of that everything we tried to talk. He said something that day that he has stuck to his word about. He said that he never had to mention OM's name or bring up that subject again. He has never brought it up and threw it in my face and he has never brought up OM's name to me. I know it must have been very hard for him to "trust" me and I'm sure he had his own demons he had to deal with where my my EA and everything that revolved around that was concerned.....but he stuck to his word! He has not brought it up. At that time that we talked, I was brutal with him as far as being honest about how I felt toward him and staying in the home b/c I did not "want" to stay and I told him that I had to reach a place of being willing to "be willing" and at that particular time, I had not fully reach that place. It took me a long time and I know it must have seemed like a life time to him.
If you do bring up the OM to her, you will be hurting your chances of saving your M in a major way, so please do not ask her about OM or her feelings regarding him. It is something I believe most WAW's do not want to discuss, however, a few may do it. I see myself in her stitch when you described her in these last posts. I remember how I just wanted to close the door on the OM stuff, and leave it alone. I felt if H and I were to keep talking about the EA or OM, it kept it alive and kept my memories and fantasy "fresh"......and it would not help me in putting all of that behind me and moving on with my life. Although, my H had read everthing I had written between us, so there were no secrets anyway.
So, I hope the IC can help you in dealing with your issues. Come here and just tell us that you have a bunch of junk you need to let out of your system b/c it is better to do that than to talk about it to her. I think people need to delete the history on their computer where they visit the DB boards b/c of chance of the spouse finding and reading what has been said. It does cause problems in a lot of stitches when that happens. I am not that computer intel. but you mean she just typed your name in google search and it pulled up the DB board? I have never thought about that. Wonder why she did that? Was she trying to find out if you've been looking at porn or searching for something else?
Well, I have to go and start getting ready for work. Talk to you later. Hope you allow the exercise you are doing to help you vent your anger duing that time and get it out of your body and help heal your mental thoughts.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She did not type my username in, I did just to see what would pop up and 7 pages did and this website was on page six. I really doubt she would have the desire and knowledge to guess to look up rzrbkfan, but you never know. B/C if she read my posts without knowing rzrbkfan she would know its about us.
Anyway, I didn't talk or text her the rest of the night. D called me after the bball game and begged me to come home which I did and laid down with her until she feel asleep then left without speaking to W.
This morning W called me in a good mood and was very nice and pleasant and talked about something she found of D that was cute and then talked about S school art class. We talked about all of that and then I let her go first.
Well, I am about to head home to have a home cooked family dinner for the first time in a while. I am excited but cautious. I am going to be strong and nice and pleasant. Nothing serious, just fun with the kids and her too if she joins.
She did say that she is going to go through with all 6 sessions and would try to try. Also told me that she didn't think she was strong enough to ever D and so I had nothing to worry about. My thoughts to that are that maybe not, but being the way we are now, SUCKS!