I'm not a princess/This ain't a fairytale

[K4D]

If you want to show up. Then do it with the attitude of who cares. After all, remember that he is not innocent in this. So if anyone looks at you funny, just keep reminding yourself that he played his part to.

Mistakes are usually made on both sides. Its not usually one sided. Anyone who thinks it is is full of crap.

I can't say that personally I think that anything I did justified what my W did. But at the same time, I am not her, and I know I made alot of bad mistakes and therefore I do not hold it against her what she did. What I do hold against her is her not being willing to wash both of our mistakes and try and work things out. But thats just me.

But I don't think anyone should be judging you. Wasn't it Jesus that said let the person who has not committed a sin throw the first stone?

Kevin

[AFWAW]

Mel,
How'd it go with the visit to the house? I can understand where you'd be apprehensive. My heart quickens every time I talk to or see my wife. I wish I could get her back--wow. I've been thinking about you and hope you had a good day. Take care.

[Mellenmack]

It went okay. It was a squadron BBQ at the Security Forces park, so it didn't take long. He didn't say hardly two words to me and we didn't even really look at each other. Everyone else totally ignored me, of course! Just whatever, you know. He texted two hours later and asked if I was okay (what he usually does after he knows I don't feel good about something) and I said fine, even though I should have been honest. Did not want to get into R talk. Just wanted him to leave it alone so that I can let it go.

Kevin, thanks for seeing the side of just washing the slate clean and starting over. I think sometimes LBS want to hold things against spouses for walking away. While I do not think the past should be ignored (doomed to repeat it if so), everyone deserves a clean slate to start new from.

John, I know it's hard, but if you can keep all the things she DID do to you in the forefront (not holding over her head, but just keeping them in your mind), you will be better able to let her go. Him asking me to drop her off in front of all his friends so that he could ignore me was assinine and I will never do it again. He can come pick her up from my class or have someone else do it, but I will not have him treat me like crap in front of his friends again, no matter what I have done. That was just dumb on my part, but I wanted to prove to myself I could. Well, I did. And now I'm not gonna anymore. He'll figure it out. Lots of texting last night. He said he was proud of me for finishing school and I let him know that I could not have done it without the support of him and the kids. Which is true. Tyler has given a lot and the baby doesn't even remember when I wasn't going to school. I am sure she will love this new mom who is totally into her when the degree is finished and the job is gotten.

I don't even go to the house anymore. The girl is still there with all of her stuff, and I just refuse to be around it. I'm not even sure I could live there again.

Today was more class and I had more time to think about my own stitch in this class. It also helps that the prof is there to give feedback and the other students too. He started talking about narcissists a little today (those who love themselves the most, but really it's the image they have of themselves that they love the most) wikipedia.com if you want to know more. But it made me think about something. I have spent the last 14 years almost traipsing around this country and others following him around. I in no way minded Holland, San Angelo, TX or even Minot, ND although that one was cold. I have been ready to leave here since 2002. Would not have gotten my degree so there have been some plusses to being here. I wonder what would happen if in five years, he retires and I say I want to move to Fairhope. I have followed him, why wouldn't he follow me? It made me realize that we have talked about retiring to Texas, but he has also talked about moving to Montana to be near his brother, although this has been more so since the separation. Just things that go through my head.

The rest of it is that the prof and the other students think he is a dry drunk. Not sure about that. Want to read more about it. I want to form my own opinion. They don't live in the stitch, and I don't want to address it unless I can quote it chapter/verse. Really just want to wipe the slate clean. But I know he is going to keep drinking. I want to be fine with that but I know what recidivism rate is too, and I don't want to be there.

Anyway. Thank ya'll for checking on me. I am off to check on ya'll now!

Melissa

[Mellenmack]

Alright, well, I have an update.

OW is moved out. Don't know why. We were texting awhile ago and he mentioned it and I said cool. That's it. No more and started texting about something else. Then he texts "Did you see where I said OW moved out?" And I said yes. He says okay, just making sure. I told him I figured if he wanted me to know more, he would tell me. I'm not gonna ask. I don't care. But I thought it was funny that he is kinda like, look at me, look what I did...

Of course I am glad, but he is crazy if he thinks I am going to think something about it. The last thing he told me was that he wants a divorce. And until he tells me different, I am basing everything on that.

But yeah, I am glad the wench is gone. Very. But I don't want to seem happy that she is gone, because I don't want him to feel bad or mad, or whatever. I don't want to seem overjoyous about her departure because I want him to keep thinking she's crazy. And I think if I badmouth her or am glad she is gone, he will make her "better" than she really was. Anyway.

End of discussion for tonight. My bed is calling.

Melissa

[K4D]

I'm glad to here she moved out. Maybe yall can start peicing things back together now. That would be awesome. I hope that is the case.

Don't worry about what everyone else thought. They don't matter anyways. I can understand you feeling awkward though. But who cares what they think. They probably don't know the whole story anyways.

Keep up the good work,

Kevin

[AFWAW]

That's good news as it won't be tugging at your heart and mind anymore driving you nuts. I wish I had the emotional strength you have when it comes to dealing with your situation and how you react to your spouse. Maybe he is starting to consider what things could be like in the future. Good luck.

[K4D]

Mel,

Check out my latest post. Woohoo!!

Kevin

[K4D]

Where have you been Mel? Are you still out and about? How are things going?

Kevin

[K4D]

Have you left us?

Kevin

[Mellenmack]

No, Kevin, I haven't left. Just nothing has happened. He called yesterday at lunch wanting to ML and I gave in and went. It has been no contact from him since then. Nice, I know. He did mention that all of his friends were coming over for supper though. Didn't invite me or D4, so that says something in itself, I guess.

I know, I'm supposed to not be caring. Nothing he does should mean anything to me. So I have decided to stop the ML again. We'll see how long I last, I guess. I want to, to maintain some kind of closeness, but I am tired of feeling like it doesn't matter. I get in the bed and he can hardly wait to kiss me, but then, no contact afterwards for the rest of the day or next morning. Who knows when he will finally initiate contact.

Maybe it's all me. Touch is one of my love languages, so maybe I make too much of ML because of that. Interesting. Hmmm..

something to thing about.

Melissa