WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 4

[confusedinpa]

Who initiated the talk this morning about the DR book?

Right now she moved out of the room. That's what I had suggested to you earlier because it really screamed to me that she wanted her space. Right now you've given her all the power in the relationship and you're reacting to it all. Take that control back and just do your own thing.

In terms of the compassion issue. To show compassion is to care and "understand" through their eyes. Right now in all your postings, you mention how you can't see this or how she can't see that. Stop for a moment and put yourself in her shoes. Then when she interacts with you, see things how she does. Right now your idea of validation is more like patronizing. True validation is really understanding what she is going through and responding accordingly. This means letting her express herself without judgement. Then if she asks for your opinion, don't say "you should" say things like, "well I would". This shows that you aren't trying to "fix" her, but just what you would do. It would be up to her if she does it or not. During the conversation, repeat what she says and maybe ask a short question or two about it not her. That way she sees that you are really listening to her.

It's going to be tough at first, but keep at it. It gets easier the more you do it. This establishes trust with her which seems to be a big hurdle right now.

Stuck808,

The book got brought up as she said that she was only to read 2 pages of it before she got too tired. I tried to get her to move to a different book (i.e. 5 Languages of Love) that we had talked about and thought was interesting - just to get her off my playbook.

I know I've given her all the power in the relationship, I'm just not sure what you mean about take control back? I have read that the person who cares the least about the relationship has the most power/control. Is that what you mean?

I'm also struggling with the compassion/validation piece of it.

When she says that she can't get past the hurt/pain from the past, can you offer a suggestion on what would be compassionate/validate that?

I do agree rebuilding the trust is a big deal right now. She even said it last nite that she didn't think she could trust anyone, let alone me, with her heart again as I had hurt/broken it so badly.

I do appreciate your input. I'm really confused right now, but I know I need to pull it together before I see her when I get home tonite.