My wife and I have been married six years, and dated three years before that. She is 25, I'm 27, and we have a four year old son.
After our son was born she went through a period of severe postpartum depression. This lasted about a year and included typical depression symptoms (sleeping, emotional swings, withdrawn, etc) and also triggered her wanting to be independent and free of commitments. She began tracking down old boyfriends, flirting with new guys, admitted wanting to have an affair, etc. I stuck with her through this and was completely supportive. She eventually came through it with meds, some counseling, and time.
Presently
Things seemed to be pretty good for the last couple years, overall. However, she has been slowly becoming more and more distant, uninterested in sex, and generally unhappy.
I figured a lot of it had to do with our current life situation. Due to the economy our house isn't selling quickly and she wanted a newer, bigger house. So, we're kind of stuck where we are. We live comfortably though. I make very good money for my age and location (Midwest). My wife works outside the house one day per week for a family friend, but is generally a stay-at-home mom. We have investment property, the house we're trying to sell, and the place we rent. We have nice cars. She is never denied anything that is within our means.
Recently she found new interests and was thinking of going back to school for a post-grad degree in the field. I was totally supportive of this. She was finally getting noticeably happier. She then met someone online who worked in the field. They got to talking and she arranged to go visit the person on a 'work study' type thing. The location also happened to be a fairly popular vacation destination, so she planned to do some sightseeing while there. Again, I was fully behind her and supported her completely. So, she goes.
Fast-forward ten days, I pick her up from the airport when she returns. She told me about the trip (best time of her life) and was happy...for about two hours.
Later that evening she confessed that she wasn't glad to be home. And, that she wanted to move over to where she had visited...without me. Says she hasn't been in love with me for several years, but that she wants to still be friends.
She wants to be independent, live the single life, and be free. Basically wants to start over, party, not have family pressures, etc. Yet she plans to take our son with her (be a single mom) and work full-time (for the first time in her life). I'm not sure where she plans to fit in the single life.
She is convinced that it will make her happy though. And, to use an overused Bush-era term, basically wants to "cut and run". She doesn't want any of the stuff we've accumulated over the last six years, our assets (as relatively small as they are), doesn't mind severing relationships with her family and in-laws (they'll all but disown her), and is leaving behind her pets.
My Dilemma
All I care about in this is the happiness and well-being of my wife and son. If that means her leaving, so be it. I'd rather she be gone and happy than be here and unhappy or resentful.
I'm not really worried about myself. I'll survive and move on. She's put me through shiat before (the postpartum borderline infidelity) and I recovered fine.
One of my main worries is about the distance between where I live and where she wants to move (13 hour, $1000 flight). I know that by state law, I could probably get a court order restricting her to within 50 miles of me. But I don't think I want to do that. I think it would only build resentment and probably be worse for her and my son. If and when I'm able to cut ties where I am I would consider moving close to where she wants to move to make visitation and involvement in my son's life better. Even with the distance, with video chats and everything I can still be involved.
Another main worry is that down the road she will discover she still isn't happy. But by then I'll likely have moved on and will be unwilling or unable to take her back. I am actually willing to remain friends with her, and I do care about her...perhaps too much. I don't want her to end up unhappy and alone.
So, it's difficult to know what to do. I'm not going to hold her back if she is determined to go. And, if it is going to result in her happiness, then I actually want her to go.
Any tips or thoughts on any of that would be great.
Also, any advice on making things less awkward at home during the transition from romantically involved couple to just friends? This is probably easier for people when the process has been a long time in the making, but in our case it literally took a couple weeks...and one of those she was gone.
Recently she found new interests and was thinking of going back to school for a post-grad degree in the field. I was totally supportive of this. She was finally getting noticeably happier. She then met someoneonline who worked in the field. They got to talking and she arranged to go visit the person on a 'work study' type thing. The location also happened to be a fairly popular vacation destination, so she planned to do some sightseeing while there. Again, I was fully behind her and supported her completely. So, she goes.
Fast-forward ten days, I pick her up from the airport when she returns. She told me about the trip (best time of her life) and was happy...for about two hours.
Later that evening she confessed that she wasn't glad to be home. And, that she wanted to move over to where she had visited...without me. Says she hasn't been in love with me for several years, but that she wants to still be friends.
Um, "someone"??? "The person"??? Is this a male or a female?
The "someone" is male. I didn't mention the sex originally as I don't have confirmation of any kind of affair between them. So, I don't want to judge based on that, just yet. Also, our state has no-fault divorce rules, so infidelity wouldn't make a difference legally.
I do know that she is interested in the guy. She mentioned this in the process of all this. But she doesn't know if he has reciprocal feelings, and as far as I know nothing happened on her trip. I may find out it did, but as of now I don't know. I could dig through her computer and phone records for evidence, or badger her about it until I get a definitive answer. But in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't make a difference. And, in her plans to move he has not been included. She'll be living alone, across a body of water from him, etc. They may pursue something down the road.
As far as whether she has/had an emotional affair with him. I don't know, but I don't think so...yet at least. They talk very infrequently. The time difference and his work schedule mean they can only chat in the evenings...when I'm around. They don't talk on the phone...which she did...a lot, back when she was bordering on infidelity during the postpartum depression.
It really seems more like she sees him as a possibility after we split. I could be wrong though.
Also, any advice on making things less awkward at home during the transition from romantically involved couple to just friends? This is probably easier for people when the process has been a long time in the making, but in our case it literally took a couple weeks...and one of those she was gone.
I can tell you it doesn't necessarily get an easier for those of us who have been doing it for a long time. I have been living with my W as a "friend" for a few months now. What has worked best for me is to emotionally detach from her and eliminate any expectations that I might have. It is hard and I have backslid often, each time resulting in disappointment because she is clearly not interested in me anymore.
I question your decision to simply let her move 1000 miles away with your son to go and live the single life. It doesn't seem like she has your son's best interest in sight. She wants to take him from his father and subject him to nights of being with a babysitter while she parties and lives it up. If she wants to be "single" then let her be single and that means you keep the kid. JMO. Best of luck.
The "someone" is male. I didn't mention the sex originally as I don't have confirmation of any kind of affair between them. So, I don't want to judge based on that, just yet. Also, our state has no-fault divorce rules, so infidelity wouldn't make a difference legally.
I do know that she is interested in the guy. She mentioned this in the process of all this. But she doesn't know if he has reciprocal feelings, and as far as I know nothing happened on her trip. I may find out it did, but as of now I don't know. I could dig through her computer and phone records for evidence, or badger her about it until I get a definitive answer. But in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't make a difference. And, in her plans to move he has not been included. She'll be living alone, across a body of water from him, etc. They may pursue something down the road.
As far as whether she has/had an emotional affair with him. I don't know, but I don't think so...yet at least. They talk very infrequently. The time difference and his work schedule mean they can only chat in the evenings...when I'm around. They don't talk on the phone...which she did...a lot, back when she was bordering on infidelity during the postpartum depression.
It really seems more like she sees him as a possibility after we split. I could be wrong though.
And you approved of the trip, even though she had a prior history to feelings of admitting to wanting to have an affair??
I think you'll find that her sudden change of heart on being married to you is DIRECTLY related to whatever happened on that trip.
I question your decision to simply let her move 1000 miles away with your son to go and live the single life. It doesn't seem like she has your son's best interest in sight. She wants to take him from his father and subject him to nights of being with a babysitter while she parties and lives it up. If she wants to be "single" then let her be single and that means you keep the kid. JMO.
One of my main worries is about the distance between where I live and where she wants to move (13 hour, $1000 flight). I know that by state law, I could probably get a court order restricting her to within 50 miles of me. But I don't think I want to do that. I think it would only build resentment and probably be worse for her and my son.
I know you love your wife and want to take the high road, but for future sanity and being a good father you must restrict her from moving more than 50 miles. You owe it to your son. Yes it will piss her off and give her another excuse why she thinks it's best to leave you, but that is her flaw. I'm sorry to say that there will be a good chance that you guys won't get back together. You have family where you are and you have a good job. I know you think in your wives eyes that she'll see you as being uncontolling, giving, and a good person (in the hopes of finding you attractive again), but frankly she won't. This is the mind of a WAW or WAH. They are in a fog, you are not. There is no doubt that she is seeing this guy and usually that is what creates a WAW or WAH.
Do not let her take your son! Children need their fathers just as much as they need their mothers. You should not sacrifice your relationship with your son so that she can go play teenager. Imagine 10 years from now having to answer when your son asks you, "why didn't you fight for me?" Remember, he'll look to you as a model of what fathers do.
No way do you allow your son to go with her. Talk about part-time dad....heck you will see you kid less than 99% of other divorced dads!! I couldnever do it no matter how much marital assets she trys to bribe me with!!! You can't be seriously thinking about allowing your son to be taken that far away are you????? Please tell me you are not one of those types of dads!!!
