Just keep swimming...PH #5

[pearlharbr]

Seems Tawnya and I locked each other's threads!

Last thread

So to recap recent events, five weeks after I kicked him out of the house xBF left me a long letter (see page 15) in which he admitted he was wrong, committed to doing whatever it takes to fix the R, and asks for another chance.

As an aside, if there are any newbies reading this, please count this as my vote for kicking out a cheating spouse ASAP. I tried to wait it out for two months during which his A just progressed and I felt worse and worse about myself. As soon as I kicked his sorry ass out of my house things turned around. I truly detached, moved on, felt great, and now this.

Back to the topic at hand. Still digesting what I think and feel about his letter. As Tawnya and I were discussing in the alt, the million dollar question is whether I still love him and want him in my life. I don't know.

Off to bed and hopefully get some sleep.

[JDOllie]

Wow, Pearl, I know how you feel. I'm not where you are, but W is showing signs of life. And big part of me is actually disappointed. When I was dark, and she wasn't making any attempt to see me, then it sucked, but I could focus on buttoning things up and moving on.

Then they do THIS crap - and you wonder if they are sincere, or if the OM/OW broke up with them, or if they are just feeling guilty, and if they come back, it'll fade.

As far as your situation, it's obvious that xBF made some pretty major concessions - admitted to being wrong - etc. I'm guessing there is a part of him that holds you partially responsible for the problems, so maybe he is fighting his pride a little too?

I used to think about what I did wrong in my R, and then I would remember what W did, and I would get a little miffed.

So, anyway, if it were me, and in my heart I still had room, I would say something like this:

"Dear xBF,
I really appreciated your letter. I know that we have been through a lot, and it means a lot to me that you would be willing to share very deep feelings with me.

I am not sure how I feel at this point, but I do know that I am not willing to consider any possible reconciliation while you are still with OW.

Thanks,
Me"

If my W wanted to reconcile, my first requirement would be:
"Do not contact OM in any way, shape, or form ever again. If there is a single text, phone call, or visit, it is over, and I walk immediately, no looking back."

See what he says - if he is a typical WAB (WalkAwayBoyfriend) then my guess would be that OW knows nothing about the letter. I'm hoping that he would be more sincere/genuine than that, but let's err on the side of caution.

But, first things first: is there room for him still in your heart?

[pearlharbr]

After sleeping on it and thinking some more, I still don't know.

I'm leaning toward filing this letter under the heading of "believe nothing they say" and moving on with my life. You're right, I should assume that OW knows nothing about it and that they are still together because he hasn't said otherwise.

Plus, and this may be really jaded, but I don't know what's behind this supposed change of heart. With no other info, I think it's financially motivated. I think he's realized how much it's going to cost him to get rid of me and he's balking at the price tag. Hence the weeks of delay with getting me this first chunk of money which is only about 10% of what I will be asking for.

I'm ok with him holding me partially responsible for our problems. I have always maintained that they were at least 60% my doing and I am working on changing those things about myself. But I can't get over the fact that he chose to walk away and cheat and lie instead of turning to me to fix things.

Is there room in my heart for him? I really don't know. I wish I did. I feel empty inside, not sure if nothing is there or if it's just buried really deep for my self preservation.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

What JDOllie ^ said.

Puppy

[spellfire]

Hi Pearl,

Wow, you still have a lot to consider. My instincts are saying definitely take care of the financial stuff first. Second, a no-contact agreement sounds great too. I would inform him that after those things are all tied up, you will consider what he said in his letter, but not before, and no guarantees either.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Pearl,

What Spellfire ^ said.

Puppy

(sorry, slammed at work today)

[pearlharbr]

Thanks guys. Still thinking. Just got home from an afternoon of skiing. It was good to get outside but it didn't really clear my head like I wanted.

Going out for a drink tonight with a friend. Hopefully that will help.

[JDOllie]

It's been 4 months - just like everyone has been telling me, give it another week or two.

I know how it feels to want to just KNOW, but if I look at you, it's very clear, so that means it probably applies to me.

I can't think of anything better to do than just continue with life, work, skiing, etc, and see what happens.

[Tawnya]

Yeah {{{{Pearl}}}} SO glad you went skiing..hope you had GREAT fun my friend

You still do have a lot to mull over that you certainly can't do in a 24 hour period really..there is NO rush..great thing is that YOU are in control of this situation..which is nice if you look at that part of it

Tawnya

[pearlharbr]

Believe me Tawnya, I am ALL about being in control of the sitch now! I'm normally not a control freak but after feeling so out of control for the past few months it is fantastic to be in the driver's seat for a change.

I don't think I will say anything until after the weekend. I don't want to rush into anything and still unsure what I want the first response to be.

I've started drifting back into a little bit of anger and a lot of WHATEVER since there are still no actions behind it. If he were serious he'd be doing something about it, not just leaving a letter.