(((Tawnya))) I think each side has "great" theme songs!!! And yes, I am going to get "Never Believe" tatooed somewhere - maybe inside my eyelids so I never forget!
A more comprehensive update from Monday's meeting (as sent to my L):
Talked about the bank situation. I have signed papers for a $xxK mortgage backed line of credit to pay off joint credit card, existing line of credit and bank account related line of credit. W not yet been able to get there yet she was the one pushing. W asked if $x,xxx was going to stay on line of credit re chequing account (overdraft protection). I indicated that I had not yet discussed this with the bank. W wants it to stay because she has no confidence there will be cash there when she writes a cheque or tries to use debit card. I mentioned that maybe should check that there actually is cash there before trying to use account. W got aggressive saying there is definitely cash there, has always been and our expenses haven't changed. Implication once again is that I am hiding money.
Agenda basically lost next when I said that I no longer was supportive of listing the house and I wanted to buy her out. W not in favour of that even though mediator thought it was good for W since she would get cash sooner (and W suggested it to me and the k's in the past). Some comments that followed:
* "I have $xxx of my parents' money in that house and he is not getting it."
* "The kids have always wanted the house to be sold." (I later indicated that 1 of our kids was indifferent and 2 wanted the house to be kept.)
* "I have been in the house with the kids for 15 years (13.5 but who's counting) and have been their primary caregiver."
* "Other than mediation, you do not talk to me much at all." [Truth to this; unfortunately after she moved out of house with kids, after accusations made to others and the outburst at the mediation meeting on Feb 13, I am not feeling any urge to discuss anything outside the meetings at this point; I see nothing but greed and selfishness on her side.]
* Wants to revisit 50/50 custody and residency. (Implication is she wants more! )
* Not sure about selling vacation property. When I asked about helping fund the payments, answer was "no, nothing agreed to."
* W asked about my conversation with good family friends (the people that provided funding for the vacation property and who I visited recently). When I asked which one she wanted to know about funding. I said that "as I said before, they want their money back."
* "I want to be involved in major decisions" but when asked what she has not been involved with she had no answers.
* I asked for the newer, larger vehicle to be left at house for whoever has kids; not willing to do as not part of "deal". I asked for her bank account # so payments could come from there - NO. Then she said "I know you have been to the dealership to move the vehicle off of lease." (JOKE!!! Never done any such thing and as far as I know it cannot be done without paying all remaining lease payments.) [Side note - even S14 suggested to me that the vehicle stay at the house - even he is more rational than W...]
* "I have compromised and given all the time. No more. I don't even have a bedroom (WHY??? When I am not here, what is the problem? HER CHOICE!!!!!!!!!!!) and I am being asked to give up a vehicle that I have driven for 2 years (actually 17 months and for which I pay 100% of costs)". I mentioned that I am tired of being taken for a ride to which she replied "like I have done that for 18 years, spending $xxK per year on myself."
* "This is my choice but it is not a life sentence."
All in all, back to square 1. As I see it, entitlement attitude reigns. Trying to get as much from this as she possibly can.
One more thing. She has started to work but not exactly full time. As far as I know it is a job with hours from 9 - 3.
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
I do think she has a point on the gift from her parents; maybe you could compromise on that one. Other than that, I would hold firm and do what you need to do. She needs a good dose of reality, in my opinion.
Whatever you do, do NOT take her threats of "revisit(ing) custody and residency" lightly.
On the gift from her parents, two things from my perspective (rightly or wrongly):
1 - the $$ spent on the house renos are a non-issue in my books. Not unlike me funding all mortgage / maintenance / other house expenses for the last (at least) 9 years and the bulk prior to that.
2- the balance: I have no problem with maintaining the intention of the funds that her parents wished (that is, fot the k's) but W has shown that she looks after herself first. So I am concerned that if I say "yes, you can have that" she will use it and then still come back at me for funds for the expenses for which the cash was intended.
She has taken me for a ride already in the last 14 months (if not longer) so I am not sure I can get to any compromise. It is not a vindictive attitude, but I am fearful for the future.
As for custody, I am never taking that lightly. The good thing is we have been here before and she has to climb Mount Everest to get there. The kids have expressed their preference for 50/50 and at their age, that plays a large factor.
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
I think I suggested this a long time ago, but I'd recommend setting those funds into a trust account for the kids, and calling her bluff on that. Takes the objection off the table, and shows her parents you're doing the honorable thing.
W got aggressive saying there is definitely cash there, has always been and our expenses haven't changed. Implication once again is that I am hiding money.
Actually thats not accurate. Your expenses have changed in that she has used your marital assets to fund her A and the expenses related to it. I'm with Puppy on everything but the gift from her parents. It was a GIFT given during the life of the M and if there were stipulations related to it, they should have been set forth at the time it was given. Anyway, she certainly needs to stop swimming in the river Denial and get out and dry off with the towel of reality.
Just stopping in, sounds festive as always my friend. Get your utility belt, its going to be a bumpy ride.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
LOL. "Firoz" means I was distracted by something at work (it is a colleague's name) just before I started typing. Sorry about that. I have indicated to her parents that I am willing to use a trust account a(I cannot do as W has funds in her own account) so they know my intentions. W says "she can handle the $$".
(((S&S))) My utilty belt is ready. All self-defences at the ready. I am used to bumpy - we've all been there for a while it seems! Reality - good concept. W should learn reasonability first and can get that from our k's.
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
Blah {{{{LIS}}}} I wish I had some great words of wisdom, but sounds like you got those already from Firoz (LOL) and S&S
The entitlement thing to me is always such a ridiculous concept, but one that seems to be in the WAS's script..I have never and probably will never understand that one :P Suppose I should just add it to the list of things I will not understand LOLOL
Glad you have your utility belt on and your sense of humor stuck in that utility belt pouch my friend!!
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
LOLOLOL {{{{PDT}}}}}} I wonder if it's in the urban dictionary..lemme check..nope..but I think if it WAS it would read something like this "dude who likes to sit on balcony after a long day and smoke a cigar with his bud"
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
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