Seperated But Living Together

[stillloveshim]

2BA
I think everyone would agree your husband is very confused. And in turn is confusing the mess out of you too. But a good thing is that he obviously still cares a great deal for you.
I think it sound like he "left" because he has feelings of inadequacy.

Keep him in the house. You can tell him you don't want him to leave or you could be more practical and say fiancially it doesn't make sense for you to leave and the girls would miss you.

If you are good with sharing the bed and ML, keep doing it.
If you think the water is getting muddy because of this, then stop. It's up to you.

What do you do for you? And I mean what do you do for you WITHOUT your H? Sounds like you guys are gym rats together which is good, but is there anything you do for YOU time? I play tennis now and I do yoga, but I still do my work outs at home. I also have girls night out which is nothing like it was in college, but more along the lines of getting together, getting some appetizers and drinks and just catching up. We're home no later than 10!! Party animals, I know. But it's a great release for me.

I think you should do the GAL efforts. I know everyone here would agree no matter what happens, that's just good all the way around. I know for me it's been wonderful. Ironically, when my H left, it gave me more freedom and I took advantage of that.

Maybe let him do things for you that make him feel helpful and manly. That always goes a long way for the ego.

Now, my H and I are still not out of the woods by any means, but this is what's worked for me with great results.

-Try not to talk about the future anymore. That's pressure you both just don't need. Me and my H only talk about plans a few days in advance that impact us and our S. Easy stuff.

-Avoid any talk involving the D word. If he starts to go there, change the subject.

-Don't wait for him to see what kind of mood he's in. I got to a point where that was making me CRAZY. I learned to secretly pay attention but I "acted as if" all was normal and well. I didn't ignore him, but beyond How are you? or How was your day? I avoided his possible bad moods. When he was in a great mood, even better.

-I haven't said I love you in months. I say it to me for him and I tell my S all the time I love him and his Daddy. That's been helping to get me by.

-At first it was hard for me to pull back and not be or seem b***hy but I've gotten better at it.

-I avoid arguements. There are things that make me crazy, but I write out the alphabet backward two or three times then work to let it go. Before you call/confront him, talk to someone else or come here and journal. Avoid whatever arguments at all costs.
(Now if you find out he left the kids or dog in the car for an hour while he went a got a beer, yeah, you can have his butt then, but you know what I mean, I hope. My H doesn't do that kind of crap thank goodness and it sounds like your H is pretty good about the girls too.)

-Take more care of you. Just all around good results with that.

-If you have to contact him be interesting.

and my favorite:
--No matter how dark it gets, hang on.

There's probably more but that is what comes to mind right now, but I would think the most important thing right now is avoid all discussions where the Big D might come up and avoid the relationship talks too. Just give yourself a break.

[kelaaron]

I agree giving yourself a break is the best thing. I wanted to say, stop worrying what everything means. My H does that and I did it. In one of our recent brief talks, I finally told him where I am right now which is, not worrying about the future. I did that way to much and sort of feel like I missed a lot of the present. So now my biggest goal is to have nice days. We too don't plan too far in advance, minus the karate stuff cuz we have to deal with that (reminds me need to make hotel reservations). Yes I still believe if there if a physical attraction anything is possible. So just do your best to GAL and keep PMA. It's important.

[stillloveshim]

I completely agree with having a good day. It makes for an easier life and better enjoyment of the present.
I also really really really completely agree that if there is still a physical attraction, anything is possible. If I didn't think my H still desired me, which he still tells me all the time he does, I might have bailed already. I do believe that's pretty big.

[2gthrButApart]

2BA
What do you do for you? And I mean what do you do for you WITHOUT your H?

We go to the gym 2 days a wk together. But I also go to the gym on my own. And it's all ME time LOL.

I also began getting manicures, and pedicures again, something I gave up for a long time.

I bought a red bra LMBO, that got his eyes open, I haven't bought a colored bra in ages LMBO.

I want to begin going out more often on wknds, but its freezing here still. And on wknds he's been asking to have movie day w/ me and the girls and such, so we've been doing that for a while.

With regards to our trip theis wknd, I had told him I'm going whether he goes or not, and he decided he wants to go with me, and seems pretty excited.

I really value your advice. It all seems true. I have been cheerful lately. I remember I time, if I was feeling lonely or down, I figured if it showed he'd feel sorry for me, yeah right, it was a terrible turn off that helped deteriorate our M.

Now I'm trying to be more upbeat and playful, less critical and less defensive about things. I'm not so quick to defend myself anymore, before I would defend myself for the dumbest things, one of my many walls. LOL

I haven't said I love you in mths either. But I know he sees it in my eyes. I can't help but say it in my mind. And think OMG how I will never let you down again if we work things out. I see my faults. Things I let slide, and I knew in the back of my mind were true, but put off changing. I want people to like me, especially my family and my H.

I dyed my hair, cut it, am eating healthier, going to the gym. LISTENING to my girls and my H, not zoning everyone out. Really paying attention to WHAT people are saying.

I'm reading self help books, marriage repair books, health magazines, fun girly magazines and working on my self image and self esteem. I'm going on a girls nite next wknd, few drinks and dancing.

[2gthrButApart]

Yes I still believe if there if a physical attraction anything is possible.

I also really really really completely agree that if there is still a physical attraction, anything is possible. If I didn't think my H still desired me, which he still tells me all the time he does, I might have bailed already. I do believe that's pretty big.

Yes I agree, it shows there's somthing still there. I can't see him wanting to ML to someone he hates. And he always tells me "You know I'm still turned on by you, I find you very sexy"

So I'm trying my best to stay in the sexy mind frame. I find I carry myself differently when I do. Not neccessarily sex sexy, but generally sexy. Keeps him a lil intrigued I think. But it makes me feel good inside. Especially when Other people notice as well, and comment on it.

[sandi2]

Well now, it seems like everyone is getting on the same page at last....!

Thanks for explaining about the living together but "he" thinks of the two of you being S. So, maybe it turns him on thinking of the two of you being like "friends with benefits". If you can do that, then I say go for it. It may help a lot to just think of being friends and if you can and want to have sex, I say that is fine b/c you are M and you aren't doing anything you shouldn't be doing. That is your business and what you desire. Unless he starts degrading you or making you feel "used" then I would not worry about the sex right now.....too many other things to think about.

You and your H had a rough time of it as kids. I appreciate you sharing your past with us. I know it has to be painful to even think back about it, but it did have a big part of molding who you are now. Some of that is good and some is not so good. The part that is not so good is what you can start working on today.

I have to get back to work, but I wanted to quickly say that maybe the reason your H is reluctant to show affection during the daytime or like when he starts to leave or comes home is b/c in his mind perhaps he associates it with what a mother would do for a child coming or leaving home every day. I don't know. I do know that we women have to be careful not to do anything to act like a "mother" to them. They highly resent that, just as we would resent them treating us like a child. We don't want them talking to us or treating us like they are our father. Maybe you can search for some material about that subject. Maybe we all can look and see if we find something and can recommend it to you. Okay everyone??? Okay.

Have to go to work. I am so glad that you have this many people responding to you already. Oh and about Flylady, I got all those emails too, but then I learned you don't have to if you don't mark the little box...... (Thanks Kel for reminding me about that.

Talk later,
Sandi2

[stillloveshim]

Good then. Just keep doing things for you because you deserve them. Maybe make sure you and your H work on separate time with the girls. He takes one and you take the other then switch the next time. I know the time I have with my son is fabulous and he loves the direct attention.
Walking around looking sad, crying, hoping he'll notice and feel bad.....well here's what I've learned and it's been a huge help for me.....he does notice and he does feel bad and once he feels bad he just wants to get away. I've read that men are motivated by the desire to avoid shame. If he thinks he's hurt you and he really does love you, then he's going to be ashamed of himself, whether he's conscious of it or not, he will be and he will react by either ignoring it all together or getting out of dodge. If you let him know you're ok with all that's going on, it makes him feel better and he'll continue to want to be around you.
I'm happy he's excited about the trip. It might be good for you both to have the change of scenery. That always helps.

[Art_Pl]

Hi,
Just was trying to protect you from mistakes that I made.
My W and I were extremely close and very intimate. That is why it was impossible to accept the separation. If I could give myself an advice more than two years ago, at the time when my W decided she wants a separation, it would be this one: focus on daughter, work, sport, books whatever but on her. I think that my wife just wanted a rest and I was always too close. Begging her (not constantly), but time to time. Taking seriously her "all over" talks, etc. Inviting her to movies. Bringing her flowers on Valentine Day etc. I did such things on occasions, but should not have done this at all. Yes my hand should be always available, but only when she would ask for help. Now my wife is flirting with smb at phone and it is all my fault, i had to give her more space two years ago. Now I pray that this flirting does not go any further. And the only thing that i could do is to suppress my jealousy and not ask her anything.
Now, you are saying that he deleted pictures of you from his phone. Unless he told you about this by himself, there should be no way that you know about this. I think he feels that you follow him closely and he pays you back with a repulsion. TAKE YOUR FOCUS OUT OF HIM.
Another thing which I found extremely important is that you should avoid any argument at all. Because nasty words, when they were said will be separating both of you for quite a long time. And sometimes these words trigger hasty actions.
At the end I would only say that I lasted for over two years only because each day I put the ring on. At this time I close my eyes and imagine how I kiss her, dream of our future kids. Dreams are creative and charge me up every morning.
Good luck to you

[Art_Pl]

one thing more. I liked a lot that you tend to defend him. This is a right attitude. Keep this, he will feel your support

[2gthrButApart]

Last night..

He's on his way home from work, I'm washing clothes, I text him and ask him if he wanted soemthing washed for our trip. He didn't answer me. After about 20 mins I called him, he picked up and hung up. I called back thinking it was a mistake, and it rang 1x, went to VM. I tried 1 last time, and when he answred I asked if he was hanging up on me. He said just shut up and say what you want to say.

I got angry, and told him I was just callng to ask about the clothing item. He was pissed. we hung up and he text me that I effing annoy him. Why can't he have HIM time to be able to think. I always eff something up. I gnored him. I told him he can have all the thinking time in the world, I won't call him anymore. I said all I was doing was trying to get laundry dont for our trip. He said tyou say that all the time, and 500x youdo it again. I told him I don't offer to wash soemthing for a trip 500x. I just left it at that.

He walks in to the house 10 mins later perfectly fine. Trying to play with me, and poke me, and like friendly kicks on my butt. I acted as if. But I was FUMING inside.

He then asked me to make him a shake for the gym, and I said no. You haven't apologized for the way you spoke to me or treated me. So then he apologized. HE NEVER apologizes. Then he was playful again. Dr. Jekyll Mr Hyde



Ok, so I mad a HUGE mistake. I thought the tuition payment came out of our joint chkng acct and it hadn't yet. We paid some other stuff and ended up over drafting by like $500. He is PISSED off to put it nicely. He called me at work just now and said I owe him a lot of effing money. Said I will eff up all of his days to come. Called me an a$$ and said he is starting to hate me. He said then I wonder why the hell he feels the way he feels about me.

I told him fine, from now on all $$ will be seperate, the joint chkngs is strictly for mutual bill payments. I told him I think it's best to seperate our $$ so he can see what he really spends. I told him its a JOINT acct meaning he could check the balance too. Not just ME. I told him I am not going to take 100% fault, I admit THIS TIME was about 95% my fault.

I'm not arguing.

He called me at work again, and said I try to make it seem so simple, we were charged $100 and something in overdraft fees. I gave it back to him from my savings, but he's still mad that it happened.
I told him I'mnot trying to make it simple, I cannot talk now I am at work. Thats when he mad the comment that he's starting to hate me and hung up on me.

I want to save our marriage, but I think I need to detach pronto, I need time and space for me. I'm done trying to plz everyone, esp him!

Ugh!!! Back to square one. Hate and anger. MLC/Depression SUCK!!

What are my next steps? What should I do on our trip this wknd?