Your MC sessions sound just like mine. We could be pleasant and talkative right up to the session, but in the session it was like she was telling herself "I am not going to be forced to work on this, I'm not, I'm not, I'm Not!" - Silent, sitting as far away from me as possible, not looking at me, not answering questions, etc.
I don't think this is abnormal for our Sitch's.
In our early sessions, My W still maintained that the EA was minor and over and not really worth discussing. When it came out (I brought it up after finding more evidence) that the EA was still ongoing, had never really ended, and was pretty serious, then our MC ended the joint sessions right then and there. It was his opinion that joint MC can not work as long as there is a 3rd party in the picture. We have each been going through IC with him with the plan to pick up joint MC again if and when she decides that the EA is over, is no longer pursuing it, and decides that she want's to work on the M.
You may want to consider the same.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
So today I get, "Can you do me a favor and pick up my dry cleaning?"
So where's my choice? Say "no" to establish boundaries and be accused of being an a** or deliberately difficult by "just trying to make everything as hard as it can be" (a favorite), or say "yes" because I've done it all along but would therefore still be less of a partner?
With everything you do, the main question you have to ask yourself is "Does it improve my situation?" So if you feel better picking up the dry cleaning, do it. If not, tell her you do not have time to do it, you are busy doing something, find whatever excuse you can come up with. This is all about you. So do not try to pay her back. It makes you feel better, too, but it is short-term.
Sometimes it is not easy to really listen to yourself, your needs, your interests. Practice that, and it will help you in the long run.
If she makes that comment about trying to make things harder, tell her that you are trying to do the right thing for youself. Leave it at that.
M43 W45, M17 S9 D6 Bomb: 11/11/08 EA: 10/26-12/31/08 ? Retrouvaille: 2/13-2/15/09 Healed, but still heading for D My situation
I know just what you mean. I also feel like the more I do, the less respect my W has for me -- but at the same time, I can't abandon my responsibilities.
I have tried to rationalize it like this. I am going to do as much as I can to carry my share of the family responsibilities, and I am going to help her whenever she has reasonable requests, BUT I am going to take care of myself first. For example, I used to not go to the gym in the mornings because I wanted to make sure I was there to help my W get the kids ready for school. Now I go to the gym a couple of days a week - I just make sure she knows ahead of time so she can plan her morning.
It is still a challenge I admit, and as I also work from home I find myself feeling taken advantage of and resentful. Take care of yourself, but don't be rude.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I just don't know anymore. Looking up at that mountain....
W has this idea that we're going to tell the kids about D together and say that Mom and Dad have just decided they can't be married to each other any more.
But that's not true. So what's my move? I'm willing to be in the room when she tells them, but the idea that she would represent ME as a WILLING partner in this decision infuriates me.
"You've got to be mature about this and think about the kids."
I'm sorry, "think about the kids"??? By your own actions you're putting yourself above the kids. You said it plain as day in MC. So why is that I am supposed to subordinate myself for the good of the kids?
If this is not acceptable to you, then tell her that. How old are your kids?
In any case, I would avoid fighting in front of the kids (I am sure you are not planning on doing that), so talk to her about what you are/she is going to say before you talk to the kids. Do not accept anything you are not comfortable with.
I gotta run, but there were some threads about that topic in another subforum. I will try to find them when I am back later this afternoon.
M43 W45, M17 S9 D6 Bomb: 11/11/08 EA: 10/26-12/31/08 ? Retrouvaille: 2/13-2/15/09 Healed, but still heading for D My situation
Wow, that seems fast. Is she already ready to tell them?
I would just play a delaying game - "Let's figure out what is going on first and tell them later"
It would seem to me that she is locked in and focused in EA and OM and can think of nothing else right now than clearing any and all obstacles to pursuing that life. ie once you have "Jointly decided" and "Jointly told the kids" then you are not "Really" married any more so she is free.
If this is her hidden agenda, have you considered exposing it? Have you confronted her (calmly, rationally) with the information you have and telling her that you know. If she knows that you know, and that you are not going to calmly agree to lie and say "We jointly agreed" and that her kids and others will find out what really happened, she may pause a minute to think.
Also A's in general tend to be shorter once they are exposed.
If you go this route, be careful, since if handled incorrectly, it could also chase her out of the house and directly to OM. The opinions in these forums seem to be split, but there are a lot of people who are very pro-transparency and exposure as far as A's go.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Also, if you are into reading books, I would recommend 2 for you:
1) Not Just Friends - will help you to understand what is going on between you, your W, and OM
2) No More Mr. Nice Guy - sounds like you are similar to me in that you take care of people, focus on your W, etc. to the detriment of yourself. If so, this is a quick read that explains why this is not good (it's not really being nice, it's a way of being indirectly manipulative) and how to get past it.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
NO WAY should you have to tell your kids that you buy into the D. I'm not saying blame it all on your W but it's HER decision, I'd try and talk to the C and see what you can come up with.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
She knows that I'm aware of EA/OM. She's doing a good job of hiding now, but her defense was "it's because of my decision, not the cause of it," which may or may not be true, but she refuses to acknowledge that it has a direct impact on the way she engages me and my changes and MC. If I had to choose, I'd say W is the kind that digs even deeper into OM if I push her on it.
