Karen, an A is definitely a drug, make no bones about it. There are scientific studies that show that the 'fall in love' feeling affects your brain. So that's why it feels so good. There are a lot of studies to show that our body will acclimate to this feeling (as with all pain and ecstasy and all drugs) so in order to feel the same 'high' the person needs to get the next fix, the next high and more and more to feel good again. That's why if someone is addicted to this 'high' they are in for pain because it CANNOT last. This person may seek other highs elsewhere (as in other OW's or other drugs) but not with the same thing again and again. The 'falling in love' phase lasts two years max.
Pollyanna,I can feel your frustrations, your questions tells me that you have a dire need to find answers and that if you have the answers, maybe you can make sense of things and work this whole mess out. You will feel this way for a few months, I am afraid and sorry but you won't find all of your answers. Think about whether you REALLY need answers to make you happy. What does it achieve? Can it reverse matters? Not really. All you can do is move forward.
Yes, at times I am angry with H. More for the fact that I feel I love him more than he loved me. But now I understand this to be a judgment. My DB coach says that judgement will KILL intimacy and marriages. So I try not to think that way anymore. So I am trying very hard to not judge him but to find compassion for him. For his destructive efforts to find himself, to understand the pain he must be in. I am disappointed that he has shut me out of his journey but I understand he must do this alone. I don't even think he is including OW in this journey. I feel he must be concealing his weaknesses from her to show his best side.
OW is different from me, yes. She is his co-worker so she sees him everyday at work - his obsession. So it must be wonderful to share an obsession with someone. She looks different from me, colouring is the same. My H says that he finds her cheerful and I am trying to work on that for myself. I don't want to be a grumpy gus forever, no matter what kind of justification I have for it. I don't want to be a victim and announce to the world that I am JUSTIFIED in being angry and grumpy because my H cheated on me. No. I want to be happy and relaxed because I have survived these hurdles and knows that I am a GOOD person.
I have met OW about five times before I found out about A but don't really know her at all. But in fact, I really don't care. I am not going to waste brain cells obsessing over her. She is not worth it basically. I am the one I need to work on, I want to think about my kids. A much better and more enjoyable way to spend my time, don't you think Pollyanna?
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
