My birthday sucked. BUT, it could have been much worse. I felt very-very lonely and tired. I don't know if you know that feeling, the one when you feel empty and sounds do not really come through to your mind but you are like isolated from your surroundings? It feels like there is a filter that protects but also separates you from what's going on or the ones close to you. Like watching a movie with no sound in a quiet environment. I will just forget the day and leave it out of my list of 10 best days of my life. I survived even though it was much worse than last year's...
In the afternoon I went to my C. She kept saying she is not clear about how I feel. Finally I told her I feel H as a rotten leg that I love but needs to be cut off because it poisons me. I love him, I will always love him, I think, but I can't be with him.
She told me that she agrees, he is not capable of "giving" anything at the moment and that she understands. She also said she hoped I would work WITH him so that he gets out of this blockage sooner and that maybe I could be the driving force to create situations that would make him feel better about himself WHILE she works with him on a private basis. That he will be a different man after this process and maybe that new man will be good for me. I told her I cant see how a man can be so blocked that he cant say any words or do any kind of actions to at least try to convince his wife who he says he loves to stick by him. She says that after talking to him, she can see how he cant, he is totally confused and overwhelmed by the knowledge he got of how he has been reacting and behaving in his Rs, all kind of Rs, including his R with our kids. He has recognized the patterns, he knows he has repeating these unhealthy patterns all his life and now he is trying to figure out how to change that. It is sad that, after all we have been together, another lady will enjoy his new self...
I am so sorry that I cant wait for him. I am trying to MAKE myself do it but I cant. She said he lacks enthusiasm about anything. He hit bottom, moved out hoping to feel better and then he realized the "bottom" was 7 stories below... She wants me to help him. I told her I cant be the "man" again. A year later, he hasn't moved an inch and now I need to move to him again? Who will support me? Who will nurture, help, love me? I am tired of loving myself and pretend it is enough. I am not afraid to admit I am like a lab, I need companionship to be really really happy. Who will be by my side? Emotionally, physically, in my -rare- dreams? Timing sucks. Maybe if he had started a year ago things would be much different. I honestly feel it is too late. And that saddens me. Breaks my heart.
She repeated she wants me to do the exercise about "the triangle" which he did and broke down because she said it is life changing. We made an appointment for Tuesday and we also arranged our "exit-interview" (me & H) for Saturday. She will first see him and then both of us.
FG, I love you too, you know that. I even got used to your Unicorn ... I know what has worked. I cant find anything left in me. Any strength, any motivation. I know I keep saying this but I think I am depressed and it is getting worse. And my C is against medication.
Lisa, what the heck are you doing not marrying this guy? I like the house. I even picked out which bedroom I am using when I come visit....
...
