Just keep swimming...PH #4

[Tawnya]

Whoa {{{{Pearl}}}} dang girl..I hope you get back to give some details..and hope you are okay..you probably have like 1000 emotions right now!!

Tawnya

[kassie]

So when do we get the details and what is your intial reaction?

We are listening and here for you when you are ready.

[pearlharbr]

Have a seat, this might take awhile. And if I lock after this I'll start Just Keep Swimming PH #5.

So...I came home to find the house exactly as I left it (he didn't take anything as far as I can tell) with the exception of the four typed pages sitting on the kitchen counter.

I won't retype it all here unless you guys want to read it for yourself. Here are the highlights:

I am the love of his life and he doesn't want to lose me.

He's been a complete ass and is willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to me.

He promises to never lie to me again so here's the truth:

• He thought if he brought up critical issues in the R (sex) it might cause me to doubt things and leave him; he was afraid to lose me so didn't want to rock the boat
• He's bothered by me not working because it would help me establish my own life, resented having to work long, stressful hours to support our lifestyle while I was being lazy, uncomfortable when coworkers asked about my job search and he didn't have a response as to why a "smart childless young adult is just sitting home"
• He hasn't been communicating about everyday things because of his job; doesn't want to talk about stupid meetings and he's been under a lot of stress; my jobs have always been more interesting to talk about and I did the talking; he's moving to a new project that he's excited about so that will change things

And of course, everyone's favorite subject...the OW

They just started hanging out after work in groups a few times. Nothing flirtatious, just talking over a few beers. When we went on a river rafting trip in early June I went to bed early and he stayed up partying with her, having fun so they became closer friends. During bowling season she started showing up for drinks afterwards (had been only guys) so they started talking more. It was then he started having doubts about us so he started talking to her about us among other things. Then they started going out for beers on a regular basis and...

When I found out about the A at Thanksgiving we were with some of his old coworkers. When I stormed out of the bar they told him we were too different and didn't know why we were together. This clouded his thinking and he realizes now he should never have listened to them because they only know what they see from afar plus they were mad at me from a trip we all took together the previous summer.

At one point he told OW he would not see her again but then I went out without saying anything to him or inviting him so he started seeing her again.

He thinks it's because he misses having someone else to go have a couple beers with since his best friend got married and moved away. He had a couple guys in AK who sort of filled this role but no one in CO until he met OW.

The whole thing started because he didn't want to talk, just made up his mind that it was broke and there was no way to fix it.

He thinks I am his best friend, no one knows him like I do.

List of things fun things/special memories from the past

He was wrong to say we have nothing in common. I was right, there will always be something new to enjoy together. If I truly feel that he is not my best friend then he wishes me well.

He has learned that he needs to communicate to have a successful R. He is committed to tell me everything from now on.

After 8 years he things it deserves the effort to see if we can work it out (points out I said this exact thing to him but he didn't listen and I was right). He wants to back to MC because he doesn't want it to end like this. If I want to move on after MC it would help give me better peace of mind.

He is committed to doing everything in his power to make it up to me. He is asking for the chance he wouldn't give me two months ago and hopes I am the better person and am willing to give it. He loves me and doesn't want to lose the life we've built.

[pearlharbr]

How do I feel about this? Not sure.

Immediate reaction was to start crying.

Then I realized that he STILL has not said it is over with OW.

And there's been no actions. These are a lot of empty words with nothing behind them. I would have thought there would at least be a nice bouquet of flowers sitting on the counter too. Or he would have stayed at the house and waited for me to come home so he could hand it to me in person. Nothing.

I feel like a fraud for not being as strong as you guys and my other friends think I am. I can't believe I am actually even considering this.

He's taking advantage of my Catholic guilt by pointing out that this is what I wanted two months ago.

So I wonder if I'm just as bad as him if I decide to walk away without giving it a chance.

I still think that he needs to physically beg and grovel before I even consider giving him another chance. And my best friend thinks we should agree on a financial settlement and he should give me the money up front. That way if things don't work out it will already be done with and I can move on immediately.

I won't do anything right away. I need time and space to think. And he needs to twist in the wind for a while.

As always, your feedback is much appreciated.

[Tawnya]

{{{{Pearl}}}} Well I'm glad Icouldn't sleep, so I came back on!! HEY..first of all..no matter your choice, YOU are not a fraud and this is what you came to this site for in the first place..shoot..anyone would take the time to consider it when it was written like that.

You know tho, the thought that crossed my mind after I read the first post with his letter, is what you said in your 2nd, okay so all the "Right stuff" was there about you were right, he was wrong, he was a jerk, but no talk about ending it with OW?! That would have to be my first question in my next convo with him if I even was thinking about thinking about it..LOL..which I'm sure is true in yours too!

Of course you were right..of course he is stupid to let you go at all..DUH..and I think you are right to let this "steep" in your mind and his..

Pearl, my sweet wonderful friend, in no way, no matter what you decide, should you ever think that a) we would love you any less b) that you are a fraud or c) that you would be like our WAS's are if you decide to walk away..

YOU are awesome and he should realize he's an idiot LOLOL A million hugs to you {{{{Pearl}}}}

Tawnya