I know. I know. He did say that he cannot predict the future, but it seems to him...
See, the thing is, he doesn't know anything about my wife and I. I see him for ADHD (wasn't diagnosed until 34 yrs old!), and he has never once asked about anything other than how the medication was working. When I told him about the divorce last time he had no idea and started scrambling through his notes when I told him I brought it up a long time ago. Now this time he'd written it down so he asked me when I came in. So I told him what was going on, about my wife's medication, and about how I was planning on separating just to give the two of us a break from the situation. And he said that it might work, but three years is a long time to be strung along and I should consider relieving myself of this burden.
I told him about how I wanted to fight it and I told him that I really could not see how this divorce can benefit any of us. He said that "if she doesn't love you anymore, then being out from under it would benefit the two of you. I can't see any reason to stay together if she doesn't love you."
He wrote me my Rx for the AADHD and when I left I paid my bill and told them I would have to call back to set my net appointment.
In my opinion, if anyone should know, a psychiatrist should know, that love is subjective and cannot be defined as either you do or you don't. Besides, I never said she didn't love me, I said that she told me that she loved me but wasn't "in love" with me. Those are two completely different statements. If I know it, he definately should.
Anyway, enough about that guy.
Last night, I came to a conclusion: My wife and I have been extremely close for nearly 19 years (we both just turned 35). We were best friends for the first ten, and have been married for the past 8+. We have shared in everything and have been closer than I have ever been with anyone else in my life. We have been a staple in one another's life for over half of our lives. I refuse to let that go without a fight. I am aware that this may not work out as I want it to, but if I give up now, I will never know. In my post yesterday, I was whining about the fact that it has been three years going (with that short break from November to Feb). However, I've reversed that thought...if we have hung in there for three years, there has to be a reason and to be so close to actually turning our lives around financially, to stop now (after coming this far and this long) would be like running a marathon and then quitting ten feet before the finish line.
I'm recharged and ready to fight.
Also, I've done a ton of thinking and soul searching over the past couple days and I figured something out that I think is vital.
Though my wife and I (with the exception of the past three years) have been extremely close, we NEVER COMMUNICATED properly. When we were friends, that dynamic worked. When we changed the dynamic of the relationship, we didn't change our communication and it damaged the marriage. Every problem and issue that we have all goes back to poor communication.
See, we have always gone very much out of our way to avoid conflict with one another. We did everything in our power to not "hurt" one another and ennded up hurting the marriage in the long run. She would throw out hints here and there, but I didn't see them for what they were and just did what she was asking without ever considering what was behind what she was saying. On the other end, I didn't throw out hints, I'd just shut up and deal with whatever it was she was doing/saying that I disagreed with. Eventually, it just went away...but it didn't. It manifested later in other issues, except those issues were now larger and harder to control. Eventually, when things got too big, the dam broke and everything came pouring out at once and foolishly we tried to tackle all of them at once.
