25yearsmlc??? Are you there?

[25yearsmlc]

Saff,

Good God I can't find those threads...or if I can, do I want to? Um, let's summarize b/c after all this is MY thread isn't it?

okay, after spending years being poor students in college, veterinary school, law school and medical school, we spent many years in the Army paying back for h's med school. (At one point I was also in the Army as a lawyer, b/c "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em".) One of the last assigments was to Alaska. I had trepidation b/c of the darkness thing...(I love the sun) and I was pregnant with our 3rd, but h had a sad gross job in the burn unit and needed out. So I said "let's have an adventure" and off we went. h LOVED IT THERE....the outdoors, the wild animals, the scenery when not dark (though honestly there are beautiful places, where we were then was NOT attractive, compared to the rest of the state). The kids and I found it a severe environment, small town with people who already knew each other, and you get the pic. So he never wanted to leave but thank God we had to. For the Army. He kept hankering to go back though he knew I didn't want to. I was now a SAHM and suddenly he was a jerk about that. As if my not earning money meant I had no vote in where we lived??

His mentor there really pressured us to stay. Said h would have to go to ONE MORE YEAR of training (h was a veterinary student when we married, then I did law school, and had a baby, and began working as a L, and then h began med school, finished, had another baby, did residency in his field, so you can imagine how thrilled I was at the idea of yet more training...)
No other place or job required someone with h's training to get MORE! No place. Lots of job offers poured in but NONE were as good as Alaska and ONLY ALASKA offered him a $$ gazillion$$ and that was just not true to me.

We fought about this off an on for a couple years and it embittered me as I felt very devalued. But b/c of son's high school, h says he agreed to wait...(I don't recall promising h that we'd go anywhere, i just said don't make son move 4 times in 4 years....)

well when son graduated, h went off to get more training though I strongly objected and said, Besides not needing this at all for your career, if you think it's all about going back THERE...no way."

H left before our d16's junior year in HS to get the training 300 mil away for a YEAR visiting twice monthly, and THEN went to live in Alaska while she was finishing high school--apparently always saying I would join him THEN...(that's what he'd tell the heroes who wondered where I was...) So odd also b/c h was a GREAT dad when they were little. Very involved as time would allow. Coached wrestling and soccer for son and played with d on the floor with her dolls. Really got into it. So I wondered how he could live without us and later on, he told me he missed us and he often sounded depressed to me. When I visited him, the staff noticed he dressed nicer and seemed more upbeat...

I Db'd and Db'd...h started calling me the day he passed his boards, as if he opened his eyes and suddenly noticed he was alone in Alaska. "Where is family?" Oops, NOT HERE...

Began calling me daily, sometimes more than once, to ask me to come up. "Begging" me to come up. Promises he'll be a better h, and the place he was is in the beautiful area, and the money promised was big, blah blah blah. Says he gets it. Promises many things....sounds sincere. I fly up to the state for his 50th bday and surprise him, and he cries...

Finally I decide to try it for a year after older d graduates from HS. I get a job there and it pays me well, for HIS company. I am their L. I see their books. I get nervous. All my fears about their contract and business structure are well founded, turns out. Indeed, they breached the contract with H, quite substantially and it becomes obvious to H that we cannot really stay. They make all sorts of promises, especially delusional hero who h now sees as not so reliable. Meaning hero realizes I am on to him and that the games of constant grandiose promises are not sufficient to me..."show me the money" is my internal mantra...
(I'm forced to pretend amnesia with H and never say "I told you so", as I had said approximately 0647867 times, "this is not a good contract or reasonable for a business" to h when I first saw his contract...)

We start deciding when to leave and how to say it, as H has longed for it for so long but even his father insists he is being "a fool" and that I, the wife, have done plenty enough already and it was a big mistake and H says "yes, big mistake, sorry" etc.
Does he grovel enough? Um heck no. But then, I see the dashed hopes and know he's embarrassed for gambling so much so stupidly...for such a smart grounded guy...I am still amazed this was my h....

But suddenly h's mom gets sick, really sick really fast. We fly home. She is terminally ill with same cancer hero's mom had and hero's mom died in 29 days. Literally. But h convinces his mom to "try" the chemo and radiation and she is still here (puff puff on the cigarettes, but what the hell? Who am I to judge? Seriously...)!

So we have a great excuse for leaving tundra.."Family Medical Needs"...blah blah blah and I tell h, after a visit out there, "We'll wait for you in California where our home is, while you attend to your mom on the east coast, for the SUMMER"...and a few deaths later (i lost some family these past months but that's a side issue) we have spent so much money flying there, and time....but i am home now, in California with d11. D19 is in college nearby (though abroad just now).

And I'm wondering why the heck it's taking h so long to find work here. He is doing work at the hospital on the east coast living with MY mother (at a home we own and she rents) and his weekends are with his mom. So, no I don't see an OW in the sitch. (My mom??...) I think he loves his job there, ironically. MAYBE he wishes I would offer to move there, MAYBE...but he knows if he asked, I'd scream.

Sure we know people there and family. But it's not the way I'd return. I love it here, for one thing. But also I need to see him put me and our family ahead of his job. For real. I'm flexible in a lot of things and frankly, it IS getting pricey to live here with the tax hikes coming. We can live in a state with no income tax and save a teacher's salary in taxes, literally.

But first, I need to know this is the partner H once was. We did not always move where he wanted; on the contrary. We each took the other's career into consideration for EACH move. Only Alaska was different and it was like h was crazy, a bit. I wanted him to get a neuro work up I swear. But as a doc, he's quite good and i do med mal defense and can say that with pride and relief. But that
only meant he was not "officially" crazy. Just super selfish.

thanks to the DBing, I think, h finally realized that even with being there, ALONE, it was not enough. Being with us, anywhere else, is better than being there alone. And sadly for him, even being there with us was not very good as he was mistreated. In hindsight I wonder what he really told them and how they could screw him so badly. He is not their first though.

Fast forward...older d is now approaching age 20. When h was first set to go, she cried and asked him why he was doing something that was "a dealbreaker for mom" and "is your job more important than your family?" (OMG I could not believe how well she spoke!) H was so quiet then, ashamed? Didn't really answer...in words. They walked around for 2 hours one day and she told him how she felt and cried hard and he still left. So when he told me the other day that he was "getting pissed" that she had not directly written to him while abroad, (but copied him in on one email), I really had to bite my tongue.

But I also had to speak up. That's when I spoke up and did two things: sent up a red flare saying essentially, "fine, I forgive the whole Alaskan thing ya da yada, but NOW, today, you are again 3000 miles away and I feel WAY LESS connected to you (TOO detached, if you catch my drift....) and so do the kids and you still have d11, and of course d19 does not feel close to you. As she said, you chose to "not be a part of her life for her last years at home"....what did you expect? I said this could happen at least 44 times to you, are you surprised? You are the parent and the one who left. And why not apologize to her and ask her for forgiveness? Re-build the R...own the damage you caused and be grateful you are being given a chance to repair that damage, I'm on your side, etc"

After the initial snotty reply, I guess he saw the light or something. Cuz he flew out here and made some efforts in the job search. I am strongly encouraging that.
Of course he should have done this long ago...of course. But I can't tell you what he was thinking...selfish stuff? Sure probably. But then, I think also he must be down about the whole dashed dream he staked so much on, and his mother is dying slower than we thought, thank God, but dying nonetheless. He won't let her suffer fyi, so she feels good about that and has done weirdly well on the chemo with NO side effects, I swear...(Well yes, lost her hair, but feels fine...wacky, and yes, still, puff puff cough cough yak yak puff puff...keep those cigarettes coming...) So who knows what is going on with him? I asked a 100 different ways "are you wanting out" "do you like it this way" or what? WHAT GIVES???? And maybe, as time alone will tell, something clicked.

So there we are. All caught up? Did I tell you once upon a time we were quite happy? And we've accomplished a lot and were very poor for a long time but now we arent' so much. Lately times are hard, yes that is true for me with finding a job. But h's job prospects are good. He simply needs to stop requiring so many job traits for his "happiness" at work and realize it is ONLY A JOB...OMG...seriously. Cannot imagine leaving my family for something less than the presidency...and even then only if they consented...

I hope, pray and sometimes believe that his values are coming to be, or returning to, the ones I thought we had. We'd be together, raise good people, (kids) and have adventures and make enough money to have some fun and a few nice things...nothing big about the money on my end. I knew we'd never starve and that h worked hard, but I didn't want him to go to med school, as I had heard medical doctors have little time for their families and I was right. I loved being married to a veterinarian.

H told me in the heat of the moment that he always thought I would always make huge bucks. Don't know why, as I ALWAYS aimed at the public service sector and "saving the world"...odd of him to have those expectations unspoken. But he did for awhile anyhow.

Not so much now. Seems calmer about it. Verbally supports my artistic endeavors and all. And is paying the bills. I have friends who say they'd love their h's to leave them and the kids in the nice house and pay all the bills and visit...and sometimes there are advantages....chick flicks, long baths, no talking during the news, toilet seat left down...etc.

But I know just from talking on this site that there are men who can connect meaningfully and want to spend time with their mates...and H says he does. But hey, all I know is what I see, which I told him. Now he seems to be getting it, for whatever reason. I have to wait and see.

Does this answer your question? Hard for me to re-cap it all...but there, I did it.
Can't tell if it's healthy for me, or not. I do choose to forgive him for the bizarre and long lasting behavior that was so painful. He never saw it as the rejection it felt like but the kids did. And so, he has to pick up those pieces with them. He wants to. I know that. I would hate to be him. It would kill me to know how much our daughter feels estranged by him. But she's open hearted, if you know what I mean. And our son feels lots of negative things about him but they get along generally.

I'd love to chat about piecing sometime. Like how you stopped yourself from going back in time now and then. I mean, when I see something that reminds me of his past behavior, I get very uncomfortable. H says I seem "too ready to bolt"...probably true. Feeling at moments, like I must protect myself. I stare at anything that looks like deception.

The other fear and I do feel it, is when he DOES come home...(assuming). I mean even in Alaska it was weird to have him around all the time as he gets kinda bossy and has a high activity level in the A.M.....heinously early...."Let's HIKE!!" "Let's FISH!!" "Let's HUNT!" Enough...'let's go to the theater"....(my words).
So I wonder if we have grown too apart and been apart too long to reconnect. IN bits and pieces it's fun, but how will it be full time over time?

Be careful what we wish for.

thanks for listening and reading this far...

(( j ))