I am not sure how I am doing. The distance plan isn't working well. H called yesterday and today. He wanted to talk - told me that he wants me to think about something - that something is what we always argue about. ONce again, it seems to be all about him. First it was his difficulties adjusting to living with a family, then it was his drinking, then it was his anger problem, and then it was his abuse history, now it is about his sobriety, his search for God and a religion he can count on. etc.
I did remain calm, but confronted him on my issue - which he doesn't seem to want to hear or deal with. ( my D semi sticks up for him because she feels they have similiar personalities and when I accuse them of not listening to me - she says they listen but don't do what I say or don't agree - but it isn't because they don't listen) well, I say ok , we can disagree. But again I think we are talking about different things. I don't expect agreement, I expect things like, being quiet when I talk - not interruptin me when I talk, clarification of what I said before the arguing starts based on misunderstandings. I feel like it is always a case of them trying to convince me of their side, and me trying to convince them of my point. So I have backed off the convincing part, offerred to listen, validate, say I will think about it. But what they both have in common is that they just don't shut up!!! They keep things going forever.
Anyway, H has 30 + days, after our talk, which ended abruptly because he didn't like what I was saying and wanted to avoid an argument at work, he calls his sponsor. He confronts me later int he hallway - saying we will be forced to keep our voices down - and tells me that I have to help him not to get upset. When he gets upset, he wants to drink - a drink will kill him - and then says out loud - maybe I should drink and kill myself - it would put me out of my misery and make everyone else happy. I put an end to that one quickly - telling him that he shouldn't talk like this where people can hear - and to recognize that my wanting to continue a minimum of contact is based on not wanting to put more pressure on him right now.
He took that as a positive but it left me wondering still. After the talk earlier in the day - I was surprised to find myself not upset as usual - but calm. I realized that I was doing the right thing by keeping contact limited. He needs to focus on his sobriety - I know that very well, and he cannot be there for me. I accept that. I do think that he is worried about losing me and yet can't help himself from doing everything wrong.
I had other insights today. Because my S on having major problems now. I was pleading with his F to put more effort into his F'ing because I can't do anything. My S is a man - he needs a man's direction right now. My S's problems stem in part to his F - he is acting very much like him and I can't get through or understand. So I thought maybe his F could. Then I realized that I have too much on my plate! I always have - I took care of my mother, my brother, my exh, my kids,and now my H. I am the "go to person at work" - I am the one who gets the most difficult and complicated customers because no one else can handle them. I also have the highest success rate ever since I began working there for the past 13 years.
I don't know what I am going to do with this info. But I can see that I manage a lot, and have very little or no support. I can't keep it up.
Everyone, help me! I need to be reminded that I am responsible for me, and I can only give what I recieve in the first place. I have been running on empty for a long time. No wonder my life is not working. I am really tempted to make some rash decisions about everyone in my life. Please help me not to act on emotions right now.
