I didn't mean to ask for specifically 30 days, he was pressuring me to give him a more definite time table on our R. H doesn't quite get the concept of a separation. He says that he just wants to date for now. I gave him a lot to think about in the nicest way possible about our R. His response remained consistent - that was when I was drinking, I don't feel the same way anymore - I have learned a lot during our time apart about myself and I have a lot more to learn. I even see your wisdom in doing this now.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
How are you doing? How is the distance plan working? Hope you are well.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
I am not sure how I am doing. The distance plan isn't working well. H called yesterday and today. He wanted to talk - told me that he wants me to think about something - that something is what we always argue about. ONce again, it seems to be all about him. First it was his difficulties adjusting to living with a family, then it was his drinking, then it was his anger problem, and then it was his abuse history, now it is about his sobriety, his search for God and a religion he can count on. etc.
I did remain calm, but confronted him on my issue - which he doesn't seem to want to hear or deal with. ( my D semi sticks up for him because she feels they have similiar personalities and when I accuse them of not listening to me - she says they listen but don't do what I say or don't agree - but it isn't because they don't listen) well, I say ok , we can disagree. But again I think we are talking about different things. I don't expect agreement, I expect things like, being quiet when I talk - not interruptin me when I talk, clarification of what I said before the arguing starts based on misunderstandings. I feel like it is always a case of them trying to convince me of their side, and me trying to convince them of my point. So I have backed off the convincing part, offerred to listen, validate, say I will think about it. But what they both have in common is that they just don't shut up!!! They keep things going forever.
Anyway, H has 30 + days, after our talk, which ended abruptly because he didn't like what I was saying and wanted to avoid an argument at work, he calls his sponsor. He confronts me later int he hallway - saying we will be forced to keep our voices down - and tells me that I have to help him not to get upset. When he gets upset, he wants to drink - a drink will kill him - and then says out loud - maybe I should drink and kill myself - it would put me out of my misery and make everyone else happy. I put an end to that one quickly - telling him that he shouldn't talk like this where people can hear - and to recognize that my wanting to continue a minimum of contact is based on not wanting to put more pressure on him right now.
He took that as a positive but it left me wondering still. After the talk earlier in the day - I was surprised to find myself not upset as usual - but calm. I realized that I was doing the right thing by keeping contact limited. He needs to focus on his sobriety - I know that very well, and he cannot be there for me. I accept that. I do think that he is worried about losing me and yet can't help himself from doing everything wrong.
I had other insights today. Because my S on having major problems now. I was pleading with his F to put more effort into his F'ing because I can't do anything. My S is a man - he needs a man's direction right now. My S's problems stem in part to his F - he is acting very much like him and I can't get through or understand. So I thought maybe his F could. Then I realized that I have too much on my plate! I always have - I took care of my mother, my brother, my exh, my kids,and now my H. I am the "go to person at work" - I am the one who gets the most difficult and complicated customers because no one else can handle them. I also have the highest success rate ever since I began working there for the past 13 years.
I don't know what I am going to do with this info. But I can see that I manage a lot, and have very little or no support. I can't keep it up.
Everyone, help me! I need to be reminded that I am responsible for me, and I can only give what I recieve in the first place. I have been running on empty for a long time. No wonder my life is not working. I am really tempted to make some rash decisions about everyone in my life. Please help me not to act on emotions right now.
{{{Kassie}}} sigh..you are just in a crummy spot my friend. First off, to ME at least, it seems your hub doesn't respect your "I don't want contact" for him to be calling you and confronting you twice in the past day?! And then for him to lay the guilt trip on you about if you upset him, he will drink and then he will die..that is crappy because it really stops you from being able to be honest with him or share anything that may upset you..so basically you have to agree with him on anything/everything for the next however long or else it will make him want to drink?!
Is there any way you can have absolutely no contact?? I mean for both of your sakes for say 1 week/2 weeks?? I dunno Kassie what the best solution is..
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
I don't need solutions, just the support please. I can figure out what to do, I am just tired of carrying it all. Talking here helps me to cope and stay upbeat because I get support for me.
Thanks for posting. Yes, I'm warm and cozy now - amazing how we take a little thing like electricity for granted.
I agree with Tawnya. H is disrespecting you. Time to put your foot DOWN. I know it's easier said than done though. I thought the 30 days was for just that? Maybe when he calls again just say "30 days please" and hang up?
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
Ok..well support I can definitely do {{{{Kassie}}} and like I said, only you can find your solution anyway
OK..so for support, I say..hugs definitely (check), chocolate and/or salty food, a massage for each of us at some great spa, and then a girl night of pigging out and talking and/or watching chick movies?!
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Aww {{{Kassie}}} any time!! I think I forgot about us getting all dressed up after the spa pampering and going out to a nice dinner where Pearl hooks us up with guys and band members to flirt with us and tell us how lovely we are and then go home, get into comfy clothes, and eat bad stuff and watch movies and talk all night
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
I think I forgot about us getting all dressed up after the spa pampering and going out to a nice dinner where Pearl hooks us up with guys and band members to flirt with us and tell us how lovely we are and then go home, get into comfy clothes, and eat bad stuff and watch movies and talk all night