I do feel better this week. Don't know if it has to do with the counselling sessions last week. But this week I am filled with hope and I feel that either way (whether my H comes back or not), I will be OK. My C asked me if I still love my H. Yes, I do. I prefer to think that he is lost, that he is depressed and low and is out seeking SOMETHING to bring back happiness. He is doing it in a VERY destructive way. But it is outside of my control. I see the future. I see that he cannot be happy inside for what he has done. He is not a man without morals. He is suffering inside. I feel compassion for him. Because this path he has chosen will not give him the happiness and the peace he craves, he will continue to act out.
He will not listen to me. I am the scapegoat and there is no talking to him. I can only settle down, have patience and improve myself. I am improving. I feel that after two years of storm and insecurity, I have much more patience than before. I feel that I am a little wiser and a much more forgiving person. My temper has died down a lot, I am a lot less angry with the world. I do not ask anymore, why is this happening to me? I assume that everything has happened because it needs to. It happened so that I could learn from my mistakes, my hurdles in life and I am grateful. I am grateful for these lessons and my kids and I will reap the rewards.
I hope that my H will complete and have successful journey like me. I hope that he will learn to like himself again and reconcile with himself over his actions. Right now, he is fighting it, his struggles are on his face, in his manners. I feel for him but I no longer feel that I have to help him bear his burden or to fix them.
My success have nothing to do with whether he returns and reconciles with me. My success is a result of the work I do within myself, the hard look at the ugliness and weaknesses that is inside of me. I recognized them and now I am free from them.
I hope that one day I will find someone to love again, someone who will love me a appreciate me and the growth that I have achieved. I now have a newfound respect for myself and I feel good.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
