Alison - I'm really sorry this is going on in your life right now. I know it's terribly difficult for you.
Alison - now is the time to really use those DB skills. It's time to understand them and practice them. I'm not talking about the last resort or getting a life - I'm talking about changing the way you behave and that in turn will change the way others around you behave towards you.
I know you've done a lot of work on controlling your temper and staying calm under pressure - but there is still a part of you that seems to want control the people around you and the events in their lives. You are the only thing you can control - the rest is up to the other individuals and the universe.
What would be a complete 180 for you? I expect something along the lines of a casual comment to your daughter that it's up to her where she stays and you'll see her when she's ready. Alison I promise you that if you did that to your daughter, sincerely and from your heart - rather than guilt trip her with sad voice and needy discussions - she will come around quicker than a fly to a BBQ.
Another golden rule of DBing is to never show your hand. By saying stuff to your husband like "you've taken everything else from me don't take this" gives him so much more power than he actually has over your life. Don't tell him a bloody thing. Don't give him any ammunition against you. You know he'll use it - he doesn't have your best interests at heart. I know that's hard to understand, God knows it took me years to understand my X no longer considered my interests a priority, but they just don't and they are not going to for now.
Forget trying to be friends with him. Forget trying to have a relationship with him "for the sake of the children" it's too early for you guys to do that and the attempts you make to have that relationship seem to backfire. There is a lot of water that has to flow under the bridge before you and H can have that sort of easy relationship and the bottom line is my friend - you may never have that relationship. You know what - even if you don't, you will be OK.
Finally, I completely understand how much you want to stay in your house and I know how fundamental that feeling of connectedness with a time and place is throughout this harrowing journey. When my X and I split our finances, I bought a house for myself in the same area we lived - even though I should have purchased in a more affordable area, decorated it very similarly to our family home and lived there with a huge mortgage for a couple of years. I realise now that I was staying in the same area because I wanted to be available to him if he came back. I talked the talk about being "over him" and "moved on" and all that - but while I stayed in that place, with our foster daughter I subconciously thought I was still connected to him.
About 18 months ago, I accepted an opportunity to work in another state at the other end of Australia. I rented out the house, organised the foster daughter and moved up here. It was when I physically moved that I really started to heal.
Moving house, or downsizing is not the worst thing that could happen to you Alison - indeed it may even be the thing you need to take you to the next place in your life. Having your own space, in your own place to start your new life is a very powerful opportunity. It's also fun to get a new house and make it the way you want it.
Girlfriend - please stop clinging to what-could-have-been. Move on as though he is never coming back - then if he does you'll be in a better place to have a better marriage - if he doesn't you've got a head start on your future.
DB your kids. You know how to do it. It works.
Thinking of you as always, V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
