Sooner, When we tell them that we can work it out or that you are leaving the door open for reconciling...they don't want to hear it. Saying things that are directly related to relationship talk tends to hinder them from focusing on themselves. Why? Because they are so busy focusing on what we've said and trying to find ways to discourage us from hoping that they'll return. When you leave them alone, no discussions about the relationship/marriage, the more time they will have to focus on themselves and continue moving through the crisis stages and it also alleviates the added stressors that are put on them. He needs to think that he's convinced you that he's not coming back in order to move on.
I know it's the craziest thing you've ever heard of, but it's the truth of how this crazy monster works. In their minds, they have to convince us, themselves and everyone around them that they aren't coming back, the relationship was wrong, etc. What it actually boils down to is this....in many cases, moving on only takes place in their heards, not their hearts and souls. Others will move on and not return, but will regret what they've done, but never admit it.
You don't have any control over him and what he's doing right now. The only person that you have any control over is yourself. The less you bring up the ow, the better. The more you talk about the ow to him, the more he will defend her and stand by her. That's why it's important to remember...she's only there for the ride and some day, that ride is going to fizzle out.
In the meantime, focus on you and your children. Make sure you are financially stable and watch those bills coming in to make sure they aren't yours!
I would like to suggest that you take a couple of hours and read the postings under the MLC Archives. There are a lot of excellent threads there that will explain a lot of what you are experiencing and hopefully answer many of your questions. BTW, you are not alone in this....we all have been there or are on the same path w/you right now.
Mum is the word on the ow. No more relationship talks for now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
