Seperated But Living Together

[2gthrButApart]

Thanks to all of you for replying. He hasn't gave me that speech in about 2 months. And he is acting a lil' different in the sense as,it seems like he wants to get a lil' close but feels like he might be let down?

I'm trying to be less sarcastic and more respectful. Don't know if thats working. It is one of my 180's

He actually showed a lil' jealousy in the gym on Sat AM when we were working out together, he hasn't done that in yrs. And he gave me a compliment on Friday on how much of a good mom I am. He hasn't done that in a while. I know he's been suffering depression for a while, but it's been pretty bad for about 2 yrs or so. But he's dead set against medication.

[2gthrButApart]

So last night we ended up getting into a R talk, I know it was very stupid.

He ended up saying he thought we were passed all of this (meaning R talks, and trying to "understand" what went wrong) In other words I should be over it already. My mind is going a lil blank now, but he asked me if I want him to leave the house now, I told him I never wanted you to leave you want all of this, and he said Yes he does. He said what, do you need to see the papers to believe me that I want a D, I'll give them to you tomorrow, I asked you have them done already and he said yes he does, they're at work, I said do you really? and he said no, but if I need the papers for me to believe him that he's serious. I just stayed shut and sort of day dreamed. He asked me if thats it (meaning am I done speaking) I said yes.

He asked me if we're still going to OH this wknd, I said yes, I paid, so I'm going, he said ok.

He asked if I was ready to get out of the shower with him, I said no, so he got out. Waited up for me on the couch. When I got out I went over to the computer, to shut it down, and he came over after a couple of mins and asked if I was ready to go to bed. I got up and went to bed.


One thing that was said last nite, I told him I was there for him all of these yrs, I was trying to show give him the love and affection he didn't get from his parents all of these yrs, and show him how much he can be loved, and he said Did you ever stop to think maybe I didn't need that??

I said I guess you're right, I asked him why did he marry me 7 yrs ago, after 6 yrs of being together, and he said maybe that was his mistake, leading me on to believe I was loving him the right way.

I felt a lil insecure like maybe he could be talking to someone about "us" and they're persuading him towards D, so I said you changed so suddenly, things were going great before you left to see your dad in Oct, maybe whoever got into your head is trying to sell you hopes and dreams leading you to believe you'll be happier without me, and he said no one got into my head, stop saying that. I saud well it seems like someone is selling you false hope, leading you to believe how much better youlife can b once we're D'd. He said, oh so I'm selling myself hopes and dreams?

He made a few jokes, maybe to lighten up the air a bit. Then in the middle of the night he was hugging me??? I just don't get it!!!

This AM it was more jokes, and LM. I know when we were going to MC she told me he doesn't feel appreciated, and ML seems to make us a lil closer. I don't want him to feel rejected b/c I don't want him building up more resentment towards me. And I always wanted to ML more often than he did before.

Yesterday after he IMed me and I told him a thing or 2, he said he knows all I do, and that he has issues in his head and in his body. He said he's so tired of it, feels like he's going crazy. Could this be a symptom of MLC?? This completely breaks my heart.


Ugh, I don't know what steps to take. It seems like we are getting along better than ever, he's not angry w/ me anymore. So how do I distance myself without coming off as B----Y, or cold. This morning he said body heat? And hugged me again while we were still in bed.

If we are doing more together now than before the seperation, and getting along better then what gives?!!! We do all the same things except we are not "together" and he doesnt kiss me on the lips and we don't say ILY. I just don't flippin' get it.

Please help me to cope.

[2gthrButApart]

He now deleted his b-day pictures off of his phone, many of the pics were us 2gthr, hugging, or having a good time, dancing, laughing, from his bday a yr ago. They were happy pics. Why would he delete them? He now only has pics of our daughters, and 1 of his sis w/ her baby.

How can he hate me so much after all I've done, for him, us, our family?????

[2gthrButApart]

He needs to know you as a woman and that may take some "alone" time for both of you if you know what I mean.
Burt

I truly appreciate all advice given, and I don't want to assume anything or jump to conclusions, I want to be as clear as possible, I'm always making wrong assumptions.

Do you mean we should have time alone apart, or time alone together, like weekend getaways?

It seems like when things get really close btwn us, all of a sudden he has to remind his self through reminding me, that he wants a seperation/divorce.

[2gthrButApart]

I can't agree more with setting boundaries. If you ever have some time to read through my sitch you will see the struggle I myself had with that, but its changed things alot for me.

Hi JLB

Your sitch is actually one of the sitch's I've been reading for a couple of weeks beore I decided to finally post. You're a very strong person. I admire you. I have no one to talk to besides you guys now. I don't like airing my biz to people I know.

[stillloveshim]

Hi 2BA,
I think I read you're 27 and you have two girls? How long were you two together before you got married? Sounds like you might be high school sweethearts?
Do you know how many people he's told he wants out?
One of my big problems that scared the crap out of me (still does) is how many people my H told that were separated and that he wanted a divorce. I know he has since shut his mouth but that was a really scary for me.
I understand the ML. We have done that a few times when this all started and have recently had a couple of encounters but I've set a new boundary that doesn't include that for now. But I agree, it does make me feel closer to him.
How old are your girls and how are they taking this?
Is moving out an option for him? Can you afford two households? Or does he have someone he could stay with for free?

[2gthrButApart]

We were together for 6 yrs before we got married. This mth makes 7 yrs married.

Our girls are 6 and 8. They don't know a thing yet. He hasn't left b/c he doesn't know how to tell them. The only person who knows we are not together is his dad, in another country. He still calls me his wife, to his friends, family, co-workers even to me, to my face. The other nite at the gym, he was talking about a guy to me, that was there, and I told him, oh the other nite when I was here alone, that guy asked me if I missed him. My H said Oh yeah, I'll kick his A$$. Which he has not shown jealousy for me in about 9 yrs. So what was that about?

But then reminded me last night, with a very cold look in his eyes, that he wants a D.

He has a sis he can stay with for free, but knows I def cannot afford our rent on my own, and he has said he will pay the rent until I can do it on my own. He tells me he wants out, but he's still home, which confuses the He!! out of me. His BF knows he wants out, but doesn't know we are living together as "roommates". He doesn't tell anyone.

He's been making jokes, and wrestling with me lately, and has begun to hug me at nite again.

For Xmas he bought me such nice and pretty expensive gifts. Last week he was in an extra good mood about the WO he had planned for the gym and when he was leaving I went to lock the door, he ususally gives me a peck on the cheek, or gives me his cheek for a peck, but he gave me the nicest kiss on the lips. OMG, I felt like I was in heaven. But when he got home, it was the cheek thing again.

This AM, he was running late for work, he kept saying I'm leaving,I said ok, & it took every ounce of courage, for me to stay in our bedroom, and not follow him to the door, as ALWAYS do. And he came and looked for me, and gave me a peck on the cheek. And last nite he held me the whole nite, after the whole R talk, and him saying he still wants D.

I'm so confused???

In March, he is going out of town with his brother, to visit their dad. I'm going to try my best to go pretty dark, b/c every time he has gone, he would say I never even give him a chance to call me, I'm always up his A$$. So I figure maybe going dark, will help him to see what life is like when I'm not looking for him. Perhaps I'll be able to think, and have some ME time, and he'll have time to miss me.

He'll be gone for 9 days.

[2gthrButApart]

I'm thinking about you.

Thank you so much. That comment really touched me, and you are on my mind as well.

[sandi2]

Okay, everybody just hold on for a minute! Some of you are about to have this couple seperated before she turns around good. This is the Divorce Busting Board, don't forget.

First of all, 2gthrButApart, do you want to stop making love? B/c I have not heard you say that you did. You said that you had needs also. You said you were confused, but you have not said you wanted his ML to you to stop!

In the first place, the two of you need to stay together under the same roof.......not separate. I know you are getting a lot of advice from Newcomers and they mean well, and reaching out to others on the board is what we need to do. I am not an expert and I am not claiming to be or to know everything each case should do, but unless there is abuse or some other extreme circumstances, stay under the same roof if you want to save your M. If you want him to go draw those D papers up to show you he will do it, then just tell him he needs to find another place to stay!

What we may feel and what you may feel can be entirely different. What your boundaries are and what mine may be can be entirely different. So, you decide what you want. If you want to stay M to this man who may be going through a MLC or he may be involved emotionally or even physically with another woman, then think that over very carefully before you tell him anything. He is very fragile, apparently, b/c he is not himself. According to what you have said, the least little thing could set him off and the M would be over before you knew what hit.

It depends upon how much patience you have and what you can endure and how much love you have for this man. If he is in MLC, it will take a world of patient to endure what he may put you through b/c at times they do feel like they are losing their minds and their emotions are on a roller coaster and they will pull you in with them if you allow it to happen. Often with a MLC comes an A.......at least an EA. EA's are powerful so don't shrug it off as if it is nothing to worry about. If he is involved emotionally with OW, then he probably does have somebody putting ideas in his head, but so can you. You have the ability to outshine any woman on the planet if he once thought you were the best wife on earth. However, your job will be the challenge of a lifetime and there are no promises at the end of the day. A MLC can last from 3-5 years......it just depends on different factors involved. But for right now, tonight, this should be your decision as to what you want to do. If you want to work your butt off......I mean harder than anything you have ever done in your life, and you are willing to re-invent yourself to become the best woman/wife that any man would be thrilled to have, and you will do it regardless of how bad it gets or how hard it is, then you say the word, and we are here to guide you every step of the way as long as you are on this board. But, don't let anyone talk you into separating from your H or anything else, unless that is what YOU want to do. Your chances of staying together is best under the same roof. Once he leaves that house, he will begin to think and act like a single man.....not a married man with children. Is that what you want? Then there is always the chance that he would want to drop by for a "booty call" after he leaves the house. That is where I would draw the line. That is being disrespectful in my book. As long as the two of you are sleeping in the same bed and living under the same roof......then you are still talking about things. But once the separation takes place, it will all change into high gear and you will not be happy. A separation does not help in MLC very often. In fact, I can't think of a case to come to mind right now.

So, you think about what you really want and then let us know, okay? The Divorce Remedy book is wonderful and the principles work b/c it is your toolbox. It holds all the tools to save yourself in this turbulent time. BTW, don't show him any books on M or try to get him to talk about the M anymore. Not for now. Don't point out good things about being M or talk about the future. Don't try to get him to watch tapes or listen to anything about MR.

I know you are in a state of confusion about his weird behavior right now.....and with good reason. But, I think if he is ML to you every night....then you stand a very good chance of hanging on to this guy!

So, say the word, and we'll get started with the DB principles to use.

Take care of yourself....most of all. That is very important.

Sandi2

[2gthrButApart]

Sandi2, Thank you so much,
I really want to save my marriage. I don't want him to leave, many times he's asked if I want him to go,I always tell him no. I know some people believe in becoming a B***H in order to get his attention, but that was one of the problems that messed us up. I don't know if he's connecting w/ anyone at all emotionally. I know he's here on time, leaves to work with me, and we are actually a lil closer than when we were together. I get a sense that w/o the "Husband" label he feels ok, b/c then he can't fail me. I have a feeling he thinks he failed me, but he hasn't.

One comment he made when this all began in Oct, was that he wishes we could've been better friends. And that he feels he should have been able to talk to me more openly. Says I don't and didn't understand him, and of all people I should have been able to.

I'm trying really hard now to listen, not judge, not question, not offer advice.

Ironically enough, the day he kissed me on the lips last wk, was the day I happened to put my wedding ring back on, b/c I read the thread on this board, and someone said she will keep it on until the divorce is final. I feel the same way. I took it off to hurt him when he said some mean things to me, but it didn't phase him, of course LOL.

Today I sent him a TM...I said I don't want to have a discussion about what I'm TM you, I just need to get it out of my mind, and off of my chest, ( I hold things in until I blow) (His dream is to live in the country his dad lives in, I don't approve of the education there) I TM him and told him I just want him to know if making him happy and keeping us a complete family meant we would move over there, I was willing to have made that sacrifice. I told him i would have looked for work at a Hotel resort, or a hospital, And home schooled our girls, that's how much you mean to me.

He didn't reply, b/c I asked him not to. But then today he tells me since he's getting out of work early on friday, that he's thinking about picking me up from work, so we can go to lunch then come home 2gthr. The thing about this is, he works 2 miles closer to home than I do, so he'd be going in the total opposite direction, to do something meaningful. Why??

(Friday we are catching a late flight to OH, I'm taking him the the Arnold comp, during our marriage when I was a SAHM he was always giving, now that I work FT, even though we are not together, I feel I owe him some nioce gifts of appreciation, so he says we'll go eat, I guess so we won't be hungry on the flight)

I tend to over analyze and jump to conclusions alot. I don't want us to stop ML, b/c I love it, and b/c I don't want him to think I have someone else on the side, b/c since I have changed my hair, the way I've been dressing, trying to boost the self esteem I lost after having to D's very young, he seems to like it but also is acting a bit suspicious. I NEVER denied sex in the 12.5 yrs we were 2gthr, and he knows it. And he's actually in the mood more often now. Is that he feels the pressure is off?

Please help me to DB while living 2gthr.

Complaints during our M and/or during our discussion after the seperation which hw says lead us to this,

* He's not happy, says I changed. Says he doesn't know what "it" is, but I'm different ( I think a lot has to do with my self esteem, I know I'm beautiful, but am no longer comfortable in my clothes.
* Says I never Initiated sex
* I wasn't and am not neat nough (this is true)
* I have a nasty attitude and am sarcastic ( a wall I built early in my life due to my childhood)
* says I don't listen to him, and don't understand him
* Says he always Gave, now its time for him to get thing for himself
*Says I should have realized his struggles, and gotten a FT job sooner than when he HAD to ask me to get one
* I never accomplished anythign I said ai would, degrees and such, even thouh he had paid lots of $$ for those opportunities for me ( I let being mom consume me, and those things fell to the waist side)
* Says I never do anything I say I'm going to go do, like an errand or something of that nature
* Says I always have excuses when I don't do the things I said I was going to do that day
* Says I say sorry too much (again I think it's a childhood issue of mine)

Things I realized, big mistake, i put our kids 1st in the marriage. See, about this Friday, my idea would have been Oh I'm getting out of work early, let me go get my gorls from after school early, again putting them 1st. I took him for granted, in the sense that I "Knew" my marriage was secure. Boy was I wrong, in all ways. I'm trying to change that too.

Any insight, or advice?

BTW I did pack us 2 new Adult DVD's for the trip, new lingerie (says I never get sexy for him, when we were still 2gthr) and a new "toy". I enjoy these things, and moments with him. And I will not allow an opportunity for another W to come and put things in his head about how he doesn't get sex either, just in case he meets one. I will show him how attractive he is to me, since I think his self esteem is shot since he hasn't met all of the goals he expected to meet by now. Things leading to MLC.

So sorry this is long. I have NO ONE to talk to, LOL

Oh, he's also planning on going w/ me to family's house for entire wknd, in 2 wks, and again for Easter. I'm not complaining, but again ...WHY???