stella: dancing in limbo

[stella_k]

((((nlt, Beginners, Kalni)))), hi and thanks for checking on me.

I'm fighting off the worst 'flu I've had in years. For two days I was delirious with high fever, now I'm just feeling sick in my stomack and struggling with a headache.

I have news, however.

On 26th I've returned from my mom's place (she lives quite far away, Kalni, about an hour by train) and felt horrible. It turned out I had high fever, so I climbed into bed. That's when H has called to tell me about money he's transfered to our D18. When I told him I'm sick he offered to come over and bring me some medicine and fruit. I said, no, there is no need. He insisted and I said ok, come over, then. Then, a friend of mine has called. She offered to bring me vitamins and when I mentioned that H is coming over, she said great, I'll call him and ask him to stop by my place first and take it for you (she's my neighbour). Two hours later, H calls and tells me he's still at the friends' house and will come over soon. Three hours later he finally appeared. I have to remind you that I was going dark again and H was very aloof for a while.
Now he entered, sat on my bed next to me, kissed me on the fourhead and started stroking my hands. Then he's done something
REALLY rare: he started a R talk! He said that he's figured he wants me and only me and he knows what's to be done and he's going to do it. Thanks to high fever I've had the best reaction: none. I only asked if he's sure this time. He said he never changed his mind (???) and that he always told me truthfully how things are between us. I had to remind myself that for those in LALAland time goes differently and their memory is impaired by MLC.
Anyway, once he was gone, the friend has called about her conversation with H. It turned out he came over for vitamins and stayed for a glass of wine, which is strange, as he was avoiding her, since she said some very unpleasant things about OW to H. She also sent him an e-mail "don't you f!!king lose Stella" half a year ago. She was shocked that he stayed and initiated the convo about OW. He said, I cannot live without Stella. I love only her. The next line was a little bit disappointing though: I don't know what to do .

That's not all.

THe next day another friend (MF) has called. It turned out, H came over to see him after he left me and they ended up having drinks in the city. That's another very close friend with whom H has pretty much lost contact. And - F's wife does not allow H to visit them because of OW :D! So, he tells me the same story, how H has told him that he's unhappy, in hell, hates himself, wants his M back. By the end of the evening H was so drunk, our F had to take him home. He says, H kept muttering that it's great, OW hates it when he drinks and now that he started to drink heavily, she will go away and leave him. So childish.
NEVER this woman will go away on her own accord. If he wants to get rid of her, he has to kick her out. And he's still trying to avoid doing it.
He called me the next day. Sure enough, she hated it when he came drunk and they had a row. I don't remember the whole convo, but I remember telling him that he needs to tell her the truth, whatever the truth may be.

Today he came over to take some stuff for my mom and take it over to her for me, since I'm still sick. It was his idea, I didn't ask him. He looked terribly thin, unkempt, with dark circles under his eyes. Painful sight, really. Twice he started saying something and then stopped after "I'm so sorry".

I have been there before, and more than once, and I try hard not to let my expectations go up too much, but I think something is really happening now. It seems like his unhappiness has finally reached its peak. He's reconnecting with old friends, he's initiating R talk, he definitely looks like he's about to hit the bottom.

When I asked him: do you want me to help you? he said, yes. But then I asked :How? And he wouldn't give an answer.

I wonder, is there anything I can do to help him?

I'm worried about him. His health is on stake. What he's doing to himself is terrifying to watch.

ok, dear friends, I need to return to bed now, I'm still dizzy.

Thanks for listening.

((((Hugs)))) for all.