It's Not Like on T.V.

[confusedinpa]

I was the same way during my first counseling session with my WAW. I'm not sure if mine is typical, but my counselor focused on what were the things that happened in our marriage that made my wife feel like this. When things were brought up - i.e. I didn't pay attention, make her feel important, valued, equal, etc. - the counselor/therapist then focused on why I did those things. There was no discussion at all of what she did wrong. That's how it's been going now for all the sessions (I think we've had 4 or 5).

I didn't fight/defend what she said I did, as they were unfortunately true. My wife didn't present it as attacks either, rather than just telling her story. Actually pretty scary as she did it with little/no emotion (which is very unlike her).

I remember how our counselor would look at me with disbelief that I was that dumb as to what I did (i.e. she would ask me to come up to bed and I would make her wait an hour or so until I was done doing what I was doing). I couldn't believe it either when I heard my wife say it. In my case, it turned out I was suffering from depression that prevented me from being emotionally responsive.

I do agree with my wife when she says just because there's a name to what made me be the way I was, it still hurt her and doesn't excuse it. Now I just focus on my 180 and I use what she brings up in the counseling sessions to fine tune my 180.

I wouldn't say I'm a good example though as she's still moving forward with the divorce. I called a DB coach now so hopefully I'll get better results.

Best of luck to you